Sunday, 26 December 2010

I Think I'm Learning Maintenance!

Since my last post I'm feeling different. I guess because the scared feeling I had has gone. Although the pms is still there and the cravings have been bad for the last few days I've felt in total control of my food and exercise choices and it feels great.
My plan going into the christmas break was to enjoy the foods I knew I would be having, but to only have a small portion of each and to not go back for seconds. So far I've done that and even better, some of the things I had planned to have I didn't end up having at all, although I'll maybe have some of them at some point over the break.
I tried to remember to savour every bite although I did find that hard, but when I considered going back for more of something I just told myself no, and that one portion was enough, and it worked.
Another problem I usually have is that as soon as my routine changes I forget to drink my water. Silly I know, but go figure. So I vowed to try to keep the water intake up and so far I'm not doing too bad. Not as high as normal, but still loads better.
I was supposed to be going to the gym this morning, but hubby was on call til 8am this morning and ended up working 14hrs overnight, so didn't actually get to sleep til 8am. This morning I thought that that was my workout out the window, but when hubby got up at lunchtime he told me if I wanted to go to the gym to go and he'd just watch and film and cuddle on the sofa with Erin. As TOM is due anyday and I know that the first day I always really struggle with horrendous cramps and tiredness I decided that I would go today in case tomorrow is the day, and then I don't have to feel guilty if I really don't feel up to going. So off I took myself to the gym after lunch, did a 5-6min warm up, then ran for an hour on the treadmill at a steady pace, before doing some arm and ab exercises. And now I'm home and tidied and feel great, tired, but happy tired, and all is right with the world lol.
I was 1lb up on the scale this morning from Christmas Eve, but I'm actually fine with that. It could be food, it would be water, it could be TOM, but seriously, it could be a LOT worse, and has been in so many years past when I've just let myself loose on the food and dealt with the consequences in the New Year. Last year I did well, but this year it feels different. Although I still want to lose a few more pounds before I call it goal, this year it feels like I'm learning what maintenance is going to be like. Realising that I can never go back to the way I used to eat or the lack of exercise. But if I am just mindful of what and how much food I put in my mouth and what I do with my body then I can still have foods I like, AND keep the body I'm loving more with each day...

Wednesday, 22 December 2010

Scared

I should be ecstatic. In the last few days I've been seeing numbers on the scale that I NEVER thought I'd see. Under 140 numbers, 137.5 Monday and today in fact, truly amazing to me.
But I'm scared....
Because this last few days I've also not been eating great. At the weekend we had some pre-christmas family celebrations to attend. The meals were completely out of my control so I had decided beforehand to eat healthy the rest of each day and just have small portions at the meals. Saturday night I ate the main course but afterwards I just felt like I wasn't done, felt empty inside still. The dessert was a selection of dutch biscuits, just perfect for this girl's sweet tooth. I ended up having one of each... I tried to make a point to savour each bite, but thinking back I can't remember a lot of it. I also had a couple glasses of mulled wine.
Sunday morning came and I felt bad and was really tempted to say yes to the very unhealthy breakfast that was offered, but I asked for a healthy breakfast instead and went on my way. The Sunday meal came and again I just couldn't seem to get full. I did have lots of vegetables on my plate, but I know they will probably have been cooked with butter... Then even though I had promised myself after Saturday that I wouldn't have a dessert, I did... Now because I'd ended up eating so much at lunch I wasn't hungry so didn't end up eating anything else again Sunday.
Monday was back on plan, and I felt good. But yesterday I struggled again. DH and DD bought me an advent calendar with a choc behind each window. I've not been having one a day but rather have maybe had three or four on a weekend evening, and then let DH or DD have the others. But they've been piling up the last week or so and are right in my path when coming in or out of our lounge. Yesterday, just while preparing dinner, I think I ate maybe 5 of those chocs before I came to my senses and stopped...
Today WILL be totally on plan, I'm determined, and tomorrow, but come Xmas Eve things are going to get hard again. I have fully planned and prepared myself that I will be eating things over the next week or so that I haven't had in a long time, some through choice, some not, and I'm scared. Scared that I'm not going to be able to stick to the small portions of only the things I love and savour every bite. Scared that the one portion of each item I have planned is not going to be enough and that I'm going to still want the rest that is left in the house. Scared that seeing DH and DD eating those leftovers is going to make my inner child have a tantrum and say "it's not fair, I want some". Scared that I'm going to completely lose control and wake up on the 1st Jan with a huge weight gain...
I've fought so hard over the last 17 months to get where I am today. I don't remember ever being this weight my whole adult life, and I love the way I feel about myself now even though my body is not how I hoped it would end up. But I also know that those food cravings are still there just beneath the surface and always will be, and those binges that got me to 274lbs in the first place could start again just like the flicking of a switch. I know I will always have issues with food, always. I am a comfort eater and learnt to eat to block out any bad feelings I had, and I still want to do that on a regular basis, I just don't.
I'm scared that the fog is going to descend on Xmas Eve and I won't be able to fight back...

Thursday, 16 December 2010

I HAVE To Stop Weighing Daily

I really have to stop weighing daily, it's driving me mad. I've weighed daily now for several months, and as long as it's stable or going down then I'm ok, stable days are stable days mood wise, going down days are happy days, but bouncing days are the pits, they immediately set my mood for the day and I can't handle it anymore.
I'm mid cycle at the moment which I think from the last two months is a pattern where I bounce up, to several days later drop back down and then lose a little more. But although I think there's a pattern, I'm still not handling it any better, and I'm freaking out which is NOT good. It's like every sensible brain cell leaves the building when this happens and I just can't believe that the weight is going to drop again. I'm certain that it's just going to keep going up and up til I'm back to my heaviest weight and I already feel in my body like I've gained like 20lbs when it's only 1 or 2. The pattern from the last two months has shown me dropping back down a little by now, but this month it doesn't seem to be happening yet so that's freaking me out even more. I KNOW this is not healthy for me or my head but I feel like I'm trapped in this.
I know that over Christmas the scale is bound to bounce because of family celebrations etc, but it doesn't make it any easier knowing. I'd got my lowest weight down to 140lbs and had set myself a new goal to be under 140lbs by Christmas Eve, a number I don't ever remember seeing as an adult. On Monday I was back up to 141.5lbs and now I'm 141.0lbs. I know this is stupid, I know no-one else will see the difference, but I feel it even if it's only in my head.
I really don't know what to do, now the bounce is in place I have to keep weighing daily for now to make sure it goes again, but I know that it's not a healthy place for me to be going in my head. I got on the scales this morning and seriously was so close to tears, as I am now as I write this, and that's not on. I had planned to move back to weekly weighing, on a Friday, like I did the first part of my weight loss journey, once I hit goal, but still not sure exactly where goal is going to be. Right now I'm thinking 135-137lbs maybe, but the thought of going through these head games everyday til I hit those numbers just makes me want to curl up in a ball and cry. I don't want to spend the entire Christmas season feeling depressed because the number isn't exactly what my head says it should be...
I've even considered not going to the gym this morning and just sitting sulking at home, but I know that's not going to help, so I'll force myself and hope a workout at least gets rid of some of the negative emotions that are flying around my head today.

Sunday, 28 November 2010

Calming Down But Still Got Head Work To Do

After my last post I'm really happy to say that things have improved.
My weight loss pattern of the last three months came into play again and after being stuck for almost 3 weeks I lost 4lbs in a week, and am now averaging 142.5lbs which I'm really happy about. It's funny though, because when I saw the elusive 145lbs there wasn't the huge excitement that I thought there would be...
I've had time to give this a lot of thought recently and I know the reason is that 16 months ago when I started this journey 145lbs seemed impossible, but in my head that 145lbs also brought up a picture of a perfect body... No loose skin, flat stomach, toned limbs etc... Well, let me just say that that picture isn't what I ended up with. Although clothed I am ecstatic with the reflection in the mirror, naked is another thing. I have a LOT of loose skin after losing over 130lbs, especially on my stomach, but also my arms, thighs, knees etc... I am now working with a personal trainer once a week and am definitely seeing improvements from combining those sessions with my usual workouts and a programme he has made for me, but I know in reality that perfect body isn't going to happen, and that's left me thinking, what do I do now?
As 145lbs is the very top of the healthy BMI range for me and the weight is still coming off steadily each month, although it seems in spurts, I've decided to revise my goal to 135-137lbs and see where that takes me, then think again.
Although the number on the scale is still a high priority for me, through these PT sessions and talking with my trainer I'm learning that my body shape needs to become a higher priority now I've reached this point, so I'm trying to take the focus off the number a little, although not really sure how to do it yet.
I'm stuck in a vicious cycle with my weighing I know that. I used to weigh weekly on a Friday am, but then moved to daily weighing, but have to say I'm struggling with that. Earlier in this journey weekly weighing was great because I saw a loss almost every week, so little fluctuations weren't really a problem. But now I'm nearing where I think I want to be I know my weight can alter between half to two pounds each day, and seeing as I'm losing about 4lbs a month now in spurts it's likely that at least a couple of those weekly weigh ins I could likely see the same number or even see a gain. Weighing daily I can see the ups and downs and as long as the general trend is down over a week or two I'm happy. But weighing every day is also frustrating for me as well because I'd be lying if I said it didn't help set my mood for the day.
In an ideal world I'd go back to weighing weekly on a Friday, and just be happy that if I knew I was staying on my eating and exercise plan, I could trust that the weight would keep coming off and my body would keep improving. Any ideas on how I can make this transition?

Thursday, 11 November 2010

I Will Not Give In

The scale is still showing 146.5lbs this morning. It's shown the same number for almost a week now which never happens for me...
I'm really scared that it's going to start going up again or that hubby was right the other day when he said that maybe this is the weight I'm meant to be.
I HAVE to get to 145lbs at the most, this journey is not over til I do, that was the impossible goal I set myself and I have to prove to myself now that it's not impossible.
So although I'm scared I'm determined to keep going with my plan as normal and I've promised myself that my usual weekly treat will not be happening until I see a new lower number on the scale.... But did I tell you I was scared? I don't want 146.5lbs to be the end... or the start or an upward trend.

Tuesday, 9 November 2010

I Want Off This Rollercoaster

Last Thur I saw a number on the scale which put me in shock, 10st 5.5lbs/145.5lbs, only 0.5lbs away from my original goal I set myself just over 15 months ago. I just couldn't believe I was so close, then Friday I was back up to 146.5lbs and that's where I've stayed everyday since...
Granted I didn't have a great weekend, socialising and no exercise because I was still sick from the cold, but still. Yesterday however I went back to my usual double class at the gym and ate totally on plan. I was really sure that this morning I'd see a lower number on the scale but nope, same again...
I looked back at my weigh in records from about a month ago and it's looking like I could be coming up to the time when the scale usually starts bouncing for a week or so, before dropping again and taking another pound or two with it, but I'm not sure. I know it's a pattern that I seem to have found and that as long as I keep to my plan it will all work out in the long run, but still, it's driving me mad!!!
This fight I'm having with my scale really needs to stop. I still want to go back to weekly weigh ins only but there never seems to be a good time to do it. Right now I probably should do it so that the bouncing doesn't push me over the edge, but then again I'm scared that if I don't keep an eye on it it might bounce up and up even though I've not changed anything. I know it doesn't make sense, but I have this irrational fear that if I don't keep an eye on those scales they're going to revolt on me and start showing me higher numbers each weigh in, until I'm right back at 274lbs....
This pattern feels like I'm getting on a rollercoaster each month. There's the slow climb on the scale for several days/a week, the peak at the very top where my heart is in my mouth and I'm scared to death of what's going to happen next, then there's the sudden steep descent at the other side where I'm clinging on for dear life. I know the adrenaline rush after the descent is amazing, but really I wish I didn't have to get on this same ride each month....

Wednesday, 3 November 2010

Still Here

Was away from Mon-Fri last week and got sick when we came home so the last 10 days or so have been a blur.
While we were away I was actually pretty good with my planned treats, and had two great runs, but getting sick when we came home really threw and spanner in the works. Friday I felt dreadful and am ashamed to say that this lead to a weekend of serious comfort eating (binging). I've learnt over the last 15 months that comfort eating doesn't actually make me feel better and most of the time I have it under control, but this information seemed to conveniently disappear as soon as I got sick. All that was in my head was "I want a nice cup of coffee and some biscuits (cookies), they'll make me feel better", they didn't, so I tried something else. By Sunday night I'd tried most of the old favourites and although the tastes were just as good as I remembered, none of them actually made me feel better....
So on Monday I forced myself to get back on plan and went to the gym for my usual two classes. I really struggled through them both with my breathing etc but made it by doing them lower impact. Yesterday I went for a gym workout but gave up after struggling to just do an incline walk on the treadmill and came home.
Today I got on the scale for the first time in several days, hoping I might see a number just a bit above where I was when we went away, having had a couple of good days to repair some damage. Imagine my surprise when I saw it was between 0.5-1.0 lower still! So that really cheered me up. My breathing is also a little better today so I went to step at lunchtime and survived although it was still a struggle. Tomorrow is a gym workout and I should be having another PT session on Friday but when I saw my PT yesterday he said he thought it might be a good idea to cancel this week and rearrange when I'm 100% so as not to waste it, which I think is probably a good thing. I had hoped I'd have recovered enough for it by then, but I still only feel about 50% today and can't see me improving so much in another 48hrs.
The main thing I'm focusing on right now is getting back to feeling 100% so I can ramp up my workouts again, and the thought that I'm now only 2lbs from my original goal weight of 145lbs and a healthy BMI of 24.9 after over 15 years! I know now that this isn't going to be my final goal (I think 135-137 may be) but 15 months ago I couldn't even imagine being 245 let alone 145 or lower....

Wednesday, 20 October 2010

Bouncing Again & A Possible Pattern

The number on the scale has been bouncing again for the last week, which is frustrating to say the least. TMI, but I think I'm starting to see a pattern. I had sort of come to the conclusion that I seem to lose weight at the end of one month and beginning of the next, then mid month I stall. This last two cycles though it seems that the number starts to rise mid cycle by about 1-3lbs, combined with me feeling completely irrational, upset and angry, which is what happened over the weekend lol. Then last month all of a sudden I started living in the bathroom for potty breaks day and night and being absolutely starving all the time, followed by the number on the scale dropping back to it's original number and then carrying on down for a small whoosh. Well the potty breaks and being ravenous started overnight and the scale was back to it's original number this morning. So I'm hoping that I'm going to see a new low in the next couple of days! If it does happen then I really think I might have hit upon a pattern, which might make the bounces more bearable, I say might lol. I'm still contemplating trying to go back to weekly weighing only, but it never seems like the right time to stop getting weighed the next morning. We are away from Mon-Fri next week and I won't be able to weigh then, so maybe I could use that as a starting point?
I'm happy to say that I ran 8k on the treadmill in 59.39 yesterday so my furthest yet in under an hour. It seemed harder than the first time I did it (7.95k in 60mins) but then again I had no-one to talk to the whole time. So this combined with the faster 5k's has me hoping that I really am making some progress. I'm taking my running kit with me next week and hoping to at least go for 1 run, hopefully more, so we'll see what effect all the training has had on my outside running. I still haven't got to the point where I can just run and enjoy it, each run still seems so hard and it's sheer stubborness that keeps me going, but the feeling afterwards is worth it, and I am holding out the hope that now I'm running further, 5k might start to feel more enjoyable soon.

Tuesday, 12 October 2010

A Huge Grin

Today I went to the gym for my workout as usual. Tuesday is a gym cardio/strength day depending on my mood and how sore I am from two classes on a Monday. Today I felt a little sore and tired and wasn't sure what to do, a treadmill run or the new programme my PT designed for me which is cardio/strength intervals. I decided to make a start on my PT programme and just see how I felt.
Whilst in the main gym my PT came over and asked how I was doing and two other people who I talk to often commented that I looked like I'd lost more weight and was looking really good. One of them asked me about my PT sessions and on my recommendation has booked a course of them himself! I was also really happy that I managed to run at my fastest speed yet for one of the intervals on the treadmill, 11.5kph, and my rowing intervals were also faster than ever before, one being 129.
I then went into the small "mans" gym which is where most of the weights are, to do my upper body workout, and there were several men in there doing their own thing. I've often seen one of them but he's never even acknowledged me before, until today lol. It was only a smile and a nod but it was like I was suddenly visible to him lol.
Finally I went to the floor area to do my final ab exercises and then my stretches, and as I was stood on one leg stretching my quads I looked in the full length mirror in front of me and this girl was looking back. She looked slim, fit and toned, and her face just looked so healthy, energetic, glowing and happy and I suddenly realised that that girl looking back was me! My mouth immediately started to widen into a huge grin and although I felt a bit silly grinning at myself in the mirror I just couldn't stop. I looked back at myself and felt SO proud of myself for how far I've come and what I've achieved in fourteen and a half months. I still have some weight to lose, but I'm actually fitter now than I've ever been in my life, and it feels amazing!

Thursday, 7 October 2010

It Was Real

I'm happy to say that the scale numbers last week were real, and have been constant since then. I'm still 10st 12.5lbs/152.5lbs over a week later, so I think it's here to stay. I must admit to being a bit frustrated that it hasn't gone down any lower as it's official weigh in day again tomorrow, but then I keep telling myself that I was stuck before and then lost 4.5lbs in just a few days, and I've got to give my body chance to settle before it moves on. It appears that the constant steady losses I was having are over now and that my weight is staying pretty level with a whoosh down every now and again and I'm just going to have to live with it. I'm still holding out hope that I can reach my initial goal of 145lbs by Christmas, so we'll see.
So whilst I'm trying to get my head around the number on the scale or rather take my focus off it, I'm trying to concentrate instead on my exercise. I had to cancel my PT session last Friday as I was ill and didn't end up exercising at all for 3 days, but started back again on Monday and have been working hard all week so far. Had my rescheduled PT session on Tuesday which was HARD and I'm still sore from, did Step class yesterday and then today I've had a breakthrough! The furthest I've managed to run non-stop so far was 7k (actually think that included some walk breaks but can't remember) and I've been a bit frustrated that although the shorter distances I am slowly getting quicker at, I am still finding increasing the distance so hard. So today I was tired and decided after a 10min warm up on the cross trainer just to start running on the treadmill and if I felt like it to get off after 10mins and move onto something else. Well today I was enjoying my music and rather than counting songs which I usually do to gauge my time without actually watching it I just listened and when the next song came on I thought, ooh I like this one, I'll run to the end of this one. Then my friend came over after she'd finished her run (she is fast and runs 11.5k in an hour) to ask how I was getting on and I was telling her about struggling to run farther. She said that it's always easier to run alongside someone as talking distracts you, so in future if I want to to go on the treadmill next to her if she's on when I get there. She talked to me for about 10mins I think and then I put my music back on and carried on. When I started to feel really tired I decided to run to the end of the current song then see how I was doing on time. When I put the time back on the screen I'd run over 55mins!!! So that spurred me on to run the full 60mins and I finished up doing 7.95k in total, non-stop!!!! I was and still am elated that I managed to do it, run a whole hour without stopping and no walk breaks. It's been a goal of mine in the back of my head since I did my 5k race that my next challenge was to be able to run an hour non-stop, and I did it!!!
So even if the steady losses on the scales are gone, the steady progress in my fitness hasn't which I'm really happy about. I just have to have faith that if I keep doing what I've been doing, it will all work out in the end.

Wednesday, 29 September 2010

Is It Real?

I mentioned in my post the other day that the number on the scale had finally dropped. I was really happy on Saturday with the new number. As for going back to weighing weekly, well that hasn't been going so well lol. I've sort of managed to do it every other day, which I suppose is an improvement. I guess I just need to keep working on it.
Anyway, yesterday morning I got weighed and was in shock, still am really lol. I saw a number I've been desparate to see for SO long. In the UK we work in stones and lbs and I've been wanting to be 10 stone something for like forever lol. Yesterday morning I saw that number, 10st 13lbs/153lbs. I re-weighed three times just to make sure, then put the scale away in a daze. The pessimist in me immediately said that it was just a blip and that I'd bounce back up again today...
Well today came and although I didn't plan to weigh, I just couldn't help myself. 10st 12.5lbs/152.5lbs....
I really can't believe it, it just feels surreal. My official weigh in day isn't til Friday and I'm still determined in my head that I'm going to bounce back up by then so I can't seem to allow myself to be ecstatic about it, it's like I've been given THE best gift ever, but told I can only have it for a day lol. I know I shouldn't weigh tomorrow, but I also know that I'm going to, and then again on Friday, before I finally believe what I'm seeing. If this really is right, I've now lost over 121lbs and am less than 8lbs away from my original goal of 145lbs to get me just into the healthy BMI range!

Saturday, 25 September 2010

Great Scale & Exercise Day

I finally saw a new low on the scale this morning, 11st 2lbs or 156lbs!!! It was SO good to see a new lower number as I've felt so frustrated this last couple of weeks with the bouncing. And unfortunately I have to be honest and say that this immediately set my mood for the day, I was HAPPY!
I had been thinking of maybe not going to the gym or step class or running this morning, but once I saw that number it motivated me and I decided step class it would be, 1hr instead of the usual 45mins midweek ones. And I then had the best step class I've had in weeks! I finally got one of the moves I've been missing for about 4 weeks, and could do the whole routine up to the last little bit, which I think I might be able to get next week now that I've got the rest straight lol.
I've been giving a lot more thought to my daily weighing while those numbers have been bouncing about, but I still don't really know what I'm going to do. I admit that the number on the scale determines my mood starting each day, which as long as it's coming down is great, but when it's bouncing for no particular reason stinks, and I really need to get over that. When I started this journey I weighed weekly, on a Friday, and that seemed to work well, but I heard that people found it much better with daily weighing as they got used to the usual daily fluctuations and so became less obsessed with the numbers. Like I said, while the number is going down then daily weighing is working great for me, but if I'm retaining water or whatever and the number is up I find it hard to deal with. Friday used to be my treat day, but then it ended up turning into a treat weekend if we had things planned on a Saturday or Sunday. Recently I've changed things so that I decide when I'll have my treat dependant on our plans, so tomorrow I'll have my treat this week. So I'm thinking should I go back to weekly weighing? But then I think can I actually do it after daily weighing for quite a while now. The other thing is, if I don't like the number I see once a week am I going to be in a bad mood the whole week til next weigh in, or am I going to end up back on those scales each day to make sure the number is going down? My PT has said that I need to focus less on the scale now and more on my body shape and what I want it to be like, and that makes sense, but I still want to finish what I started 14 months ago, I want to get to a healthy BMI.... I've even thought about trying to weigh monthly as surely in a month the number has to go down, but then I'm thinking I could get lax with the treats etc because I know I'm not due to weigh for a while, and think I'll make it up later, which I don't want to do. So I think from writing this post I've come to the conclusion that I need to go back and try weekly weighing again and see how that goes for a while at least. Hopefully it will stop the daily mood swings and allow me to just focus on what I need to do. Watch this space I guess...

Thursday, 23 September 2010

I Can Run Like The Wind!

Lol, well, maybe not, but it felt like it for a few seconds!
I had my second session with the PT at lunchtime and OH MY GOSH! He joked the other day when I saw him that last week was just a warm-up. Today he seriously kicked my butt, he worked out a new programme for me in which I barely had time to rest before moving onto the next exercise. When it came to the treadmill he asked me about my running and I said that I can run for up to 50mins or so now, but slowly at 8kph with a 0.5% incline. Shorter runs I can do faster, 5k at up to 8.5kph and I've done 2.4k at 9kph with a 1.0% incline a few times. I told him the fastest I'd gone was 10kph for a minute or so one day. I can't remember today's drill exactly because I had my mind on not falling flat on my face off the back of the treadmill, but he had me doing 5 x 1min interval runs with a 1min walk in between all at a 2% incline, the first run being at 9.5kph, 10kph for the next, 10.5kph for the third and then 11kph for the last two, and I did it!!! I really couldn't believe I'd done it, I felt like I used to when I first started running and was increasing the time I could run for, like I was so strong and invincible and shocked at just what I could achieve.
So even though the scale is being really stubborn right now, I'm happy to have had a much needed NSV today which proves how my fitness is improving and shows me what I can do if I push myself a bit harder. Let's just hope the scale realises I mean business quickly and follows suit with those last 12lbs.

Monday, 20 September 2010

Highs and Lows

Friday had been such a good day with my PT session even though I was exhausted by nighttime.
Saturday I had planned on maybe going to an early morning step class at the gym, but when I woke up I felt really sore in my arms, shoulders, chest and front thighs. The worst bit was that when I breathed in deeply my chest hurt and I wondered at first if I was getting sick, but then realised the boxing which I've never done before had probably worked chest muscles I haven't used lol. So I decided that as we were going out for the day later as a family and would be walking a fair bit I would give step a miss. We had a great day out although my eating ended up being totally off plan. We went to a fair which we went to 5yrs ago and DH remembered a pic he had taken of DD and I back then, so he decided he wanted to recreate it. I vaguely remembered the pic but it wasn't til we got home and I started going through folders of old photos that I realised how far I've come in this last 14 months. Want a look?

I really couldn't believe there was so much difference and still don't feel inside my head and body like I am so much different, even if the pictures and mirror say so.
Yesterday although I got back on plan I didn't end up working out as I felt really down and tearful all day. I didn't weigh in but had lots of potty breaks during the day and then overnight, so I really expected the scale to show approx the same number it did on Saturday. No such luck, I'm 2lbs up this morning, so 2.5lbs from the lowest I've seen which was Wed or Thur I think. I really can't believe it, I could have thrown the scales out of the bathroom window and then had a good cry. I really don't understand why the number is going up instead of down. I know Saturday wasn't good, but I was perfect yesterday.... Even as I type this I'm struggling not to break down and cry. It's days like this (that I haven't had in a while) where I see the number going up instead of down and I begin to panic that my good luck in losing all this weight has run out and it's all going to start going back on again and there's nothing I can do about it. Realistically I know it isn't good luck and that it's taken hard work to get where I am, but the scared girl inside is terrified that it's all going wrong. I CAN'T go back to where I was, my life was a total mess and I hated myself and was close to a breakdown. This past few months I'm finally learning to love myself, faults and all, and working out how I tick, and I need this to carry on. I need to finish what I started 14 months ago and then continue my journey to maintenance. I'm SO close, yet today it feels like I'll never get there...
Today I just want to go to bed, cry myself to sleep and wake up when this is over. Instead I'm going to go run some errands soon, then go to the gym for my Bodytone and Step classes. I know that I'll probably feel like crying the whole time, but what's the alternative, give in and know that I didn't even fight to keep the girl in that second photo. She's too good not to fight for....

P.S. Just got back from my classes. NOT good, Bodytone was fine but Step was a disaster. Couldn't get the steps right and ended up in tears in the middle of the class. I think only one person noticed, a friend who was concerned, but I couldn't get out of there quick enough today. I really don't know what's wrong with me, I'm so down this past couple of days, and it's not pms. I just feel that everything is out of control.

Friday, 17 September 2010

First PT Session

I had my first session with my personal trainer today and it went much better than I thought, although it was HARD.
He asked me various questions about what I've been doing so far and where I want to go from here, what areas I want to focus on etc, then did my weight and measurements. Then we went outside into the football stadium next to the gym and the hard work started lol.
He had me doing boxing, squats, step ups, arm dips, running up and down the stairs in the stadium, then exercises with kettlebells, with barely enough time to get my breath back between each. Then we went back inside to do final stretches and wow, they hurt!
If nothing else, from this one session I've learnt that I lean my weight too far forward when doing lots of exercises, including squats and running upstairs, don't dip low enough when doing arm dips, and I don't stretch deep enough afterwards which might explain some of the soreness I get. I struggled with one of the kettlebell exercises and was using my arms too much when I should have been using my abs, hips, butt and thighs mostly, so that's something we're going to have to work on, but he said I'd done really well for a first session. I felt fine until I got into the changing rooms, then suddenly my arms and legs were like jelly lol! But I went for a swim for 20mins and then into the sauna and jacuzzi to relax a little before coming home. I DID feel ok, but as the minutes tick by I can feel that tomorrow my body is NOT going to be happy with me lol, my arms are already starting to ache, as well as my butt and thighs and I'm wiped out. We'll see what tomorrow brings, but if you don't here from me for several days please send a doctor with pain meds and a stretcher lol....

Wednesday, 15 September 2010

Challenge Update

I was so proud of myself for my run on Friday, but my knees were really sore on Saturday morning. I had been planning on running again in the morning, but I knew when I got up that if I did I'd end up feeling worse and hating the run, so Saturday ended up being a rest day. Sunday DH wanted us to go for a family hike in the morning which ruled out another run, but we ended up being out for over 2hrs and it ended up being a serious walk, so was happy with that.
Monday was Bodytone and then Advanced Step class for me and although these classes kick my butt I love them, it feels like a great way to start the week. Well I must have worked harder than I realised at the time because, come yesterday morning, my butt, inner and back thighs were SO sore! I went to the gym but even once I got on the cross trainer I still felt tired and achy. I did 10mins on the cross trainer then had decided to try to increase my distance running on the treadmill. My longest run up to now has been 6.5k so I decided to go for 7k. I usually listen to upbeat and dance music on my ipod while running, but yesterday I decided to try listening to a running podcast for a change. That was a mistake... About 2k in I got a stitch which got worse and worse until at about 3.5k I had to stop to walk for a few minutes til it subsided. I started running again and really had to push myself to keep going. The stitch returned but not as bad so I just kept pushing on. When the podcast finished about 5mins from the end of my run I changed back to my music and those last 5mins or so were the best part of the run, I got my bounce back and suddenly felt like I could have run longer! So although part of it was walking, yesterday I did my longest distance so far, 7k! I'm still really scared of trying to increase my distance too quickly in case I make my calf/shin worse. I don't have the pain I was having, but it's still tight on a morning some days when I first get up and I have a little discomfort sometimes. I keep thinking of my physio's advice to take it really slowly and so I guess that's what I'm going to do. Rather than increasing by .5k a week which I originally did, right now I'm planning on increasing by .5k a month, and if that gets me to where I want to be without anymore injuries then that's all I want. It may be another 6 months before I am up to 10k, but I'll get there, and then I'll think about signing up for my first 10k race!
Today I went to Step class at lunchtime and did a 10min treadmill walk beforehand just to warm up a little as I'm still sore then had a great class. I saw my personal trainer in the corridor and he asked me if I was looking forward to our first session on Friday lol. Looking forward to it isn't really the phrase that comes to mind, more like "cr***ing my pants"!
So 15 days in and I've exercised 13 of those days. Yeah, it should have been 15, but before the challenge it would have been 11 at the most so I'm happy with how it's going so far. I'm adding in more activity during the day in general and have taken a giant leap into toning up more by doing some 30DS and hiring my personal trainer.
I'm down another 3lbs in the last 2 weeks which leaves me with 12lbs to go to my original goal weight! The last couple of days have found me pondering what the rest of the year holds for me, and I've decided to really try to get those last 12lbs off by the time I finish my 10 personal training sessions, so in about 10 weeks. To be able to get to goal, complete those sessions and hopefully tone up some more along the way would be the best Christmas present I could ever ask for....

Friday, 10 September 2010

Victory!

We are away for our 12th wedding anniversary, hubby is being hubby and having an afternoon nap before we go out for a meal tonight. So what have I been doing? I've been for a run around Ogden Water! Six months ago I ran/walked twice round, doing about 1 min running to 3 walking and thought I was going to die lol. Today I ran non-stop and did 6k which was just over three loops. I think I'd call that a victory in improving my running wouldn't you?!!! Xxx

Thursday, 9 September 2010

Back In The Land Of The Living

I'm really happy to say that I feel SO much better today. Had a good night's sleep and most of aches and pains seem to have gone. So I took myself off to the gym this morning and ended up having a great workout:-
10mins Stationary Bike
40mins Treadmill Run 8kph/1.0 gradient
10mins Cross Trainer
As I've mentioned on here before, I've been thinking of hiring the personal trainer at the gym for some sessions in the hope that he can help me tone up some of what is left, and maybe help me get the last few pounds off, but have been putting it off because of cost and being a scaredy cat lol. Well, when I went to the gym today I was talking to one of the girls and she said that he usually does a special offer in September. Then when I went to check in for my workout, sure enough, there was a message waiting for me from the personal trainer asking if I'd thought about sessions and that if I was interested throughout September if you book a series of 10 sessions instead of being £250 they are £180, so about a 25% saving! The scaredy cat in me thought about just deleting the message and pretending I'd never seen it, but the new strong, brave Lisa went straight in that gym, over to him and told him I wanted to book some sessions! So I have my first session with him next Friday and I'm already quaking in my running shoes lol! We had a chat and discussed what I'm wanting from him and he's going to work out a program for me, and thinks that he will definitely be able to help me tone up some of the problem areas more which is what I really need. Really can't believe I've done this, from morbidly obese, 274lbs, UK28, binge eating couch potato to overweight, 158.5lbs, UK12, healthy eating gym bunny who has just hired her own personal trainer in under 14 months, GO ME!!!

Wednesday, 8 September 2010

Today Will Be A Fail

I don't know if it's been the run up to my period and that I ended up being 5 days late, or if I'm actually coming down with the flu or something, but today I feel terrible. DH took DD to school and I slept til 10am, then dragged myself downstairs for some breakfast and just sat watching tv til I HAD to get ready to go collect her again in the afternoon.
I ache allover, have headache, feel sick and dizzy, and I'm SO hot, but I'm really hoping now that my period has started I'll start to feel better tomorrow. So today even though I'm upset with myself for doing it, I've decided to have a rest day in the hope that it will help. I kept hoping I'd feel better enough as the day went on to do 30DS but I just don't feel up to it. So Day 8 is going to be a fail, and in my perfectionists head that means the whole challenge will be a fail... But I'm trying to remind myself that I've exercised everyday in the last 9 days, and usually I'd only manage probably 5 out of 7 days, so I'm still doing better than I was. I think if I just focus on making sure overall I'm doing more than I would have then it's a success.
Hopefully I'll have a workout to post tomorrow...

Tuesday, 7 September 2010

I'll Survive

I managed to stay awake til 10pm last night and only had to get up once, but was still exhausted this morning.
I really didn't want to go to the gym. But I considered my other options which were go for a run (weather too bad), do 30DS (couldn't cope with more strength work today) or veg on the sofa all day (crazy woman Syl would kill me lol and I'd hate myself later), so I promised myself I'd go to the gym after taking DD to school and just do something, no matter how easy I worked out.
Anyway, I ended up doing:-
10mins Cross Trainer
5k (approx 35-40mins) Treadmill Run 8-9kph
5mins Rowing Machine
Although it felt hard today I don't think I feel quite as tired now, it seems to have given me a little bit of a lift, I just hope I don't crash again later lol.

Monday, 6 September 2010

I'm So Tired!

After yesterday's long day out and walk I was fit to collapse last night. Both DH and I gave in at about 9pm and decided to go to bed lol. However as is always the case just before my period arrives, I had an awful night's sleep, was too hot then too cold, needed the toilet etc, and all too soon the alarm was going off.
After I'd taken DD to school I came home and did a few chores, but I just wanted to go back to bed. Monday is Bodytone class then straight into Step class at the gym and I REALLY didn't want to go, but I did and although I'm still so tired, I had a really good workout and am glad I forced myself to go.
Tonight I intend to veg out on the sofa again and have another early night, in the hope I feel a little more refreshed tomorrow. I'm just hoping I'm not reaching burnout already after only a week.

Sunday, 5 September 2010

Challenge Day 5

Quick post today, just got back from a family day out which included a LONG walk, well over my 20mins challenge requirement, and I'm exhausted! lol I used Bob but kept forgetting to start and stop him so not sure how accurate the distances were, but he said that we covered almost 9km and were walking for almost 2hrs in total which involved lots of going up and down steep inclines. I've taken loads of photos and the plan is to upload a couple over the next few days so you can see where we went and how high we ended up, but right now I just need to veg out on the sofa for a bit lol.

Saturday, 4 September 2010

Challenge Day 4

Saturday is usually a day where I either go to the gym or step class first thing if DD has stayed at my mum's overnight, or if she's home it ends up being a rest day like Sunday always is.
Today DD is home, but I've just finished showering and doing my hair AFTER having done my 4th day of Jillian this week, and meaning I've completed Syl's challenge Day 4! DH is at work this morning so I told DD it was time to play in her bedroom for half an hour so mummy could workout and luckily she's at the age now where that's not too much of a chore for her. I'm so proud of myself for doing this today as I knew that weekends were going to be my big challenge to overcome, as they always are with my eating. Not sure what will be on the cards for tomorrow, DH and DD are both home so it may end up with me dragging us out for a walk or getting on the Wii Fit, but I'm determined to get my 20mins in somehow.

Friday, 3 September 2010

Challenge Day 3

I should have been going swimming at lunchtime today, but it was DD's first day back at school and once I'd dropped her off and got home I wanted to get some chores done in the house. Once I got going with those I really didn't want to go for a swim... The thing is my Friday swim means length swimming for almost an hour, then I usually go in the sauna and jacuzzi for half an hour, and then need to shower and do my hair etc. This means me being away from home for 2-3hrs. Today I really just didn't feel like being out for that long, especially as I consider swimming my easy workout for the week. I figured that if I did the 30DS instead I'd be done and showered etc in less than an hour, giving me more time to get chores done. So that's what I did! Day 3 of doing it and it still doesn't feel any easier lol, someone please tell me it will soon?
One thing I have been doing this week as well as my structured workouts is trying to move about more generally, ie taking an item upstairs or out to the car etc straight away, rather than putting them on a pile to deal with when I was going upstairs or out to the car anyway, and I feel good about this. It got me to thinking and although I don't know if it will make that much difference, I worked out if I could burn an extra 50cals a day this way thats 350 a week and 3500 in 10 weeks, meaning another 1lb I could lose! So I'm definitely going to keep trying and hope that every calorie counts!

Thursday, 2 September 2010

Challenge Day 2

Happy to say that I was right yesterday about the hunger and potty breaks, and another 1.5lbs of the gain was gone this morning, so only 1.5lbs to go and then I can starting working on getting into new territory, yay, I'm really excited about seeing a new low soon!
Right now I am just SO glad I joined Syl's challenge because this week I'm really struggling to motivate myself on a morning to get on with my workout. I'm lucky that DH had agreed for me to go to the gym today while he watched DD, and I had planned to go as soon as I woke up, but instead I turned over and dozed for another hour or so lol. I ended up having breakfast with them before I grumpily put my running shoes on and headed for the gym. I REALLY didn't want to go. I don't know if I've burnt out with the gym itself, if I'm bored, or if I'm just going through a bad patch with it. I love my classes still but just don't look forward to my gym workouts lately for some reason. When I got there today one of the girls I know who has sessions with the personal trainer had just finished and she looked EXHAUSTED! She said that he'd had her running up and down the steps of the football stadium which the gym is part of, and she felt sick she was so tired! I've been thinking of booking some sessions with him now that I'm getting nearer to goal, in the hope of toning up some of my flabby bits a bit more, but to be honest, I'M SCARED! I really wonder if I'm fit enough for him lol. This girl said that she's seen me running on the treadmill and thinks I'm much fitter than her as she can't run for more than about 5mins at a time. I said I can run for a long time, but only slowly and she said that the personal trainer has set her a target of running a mile in 10mins! I can run about 4 miles non-stop, but they are about 12-13min miles lol. So my mind started whirring (always a dangerous thing) and after my warmup and some incline work I decided to give it a go. I've done 2.4k (1.5m) at 9kph and have ran up to 10kph for very short intervals, but this time I set the speed at 9.5kph and off I went. I realised when I got about halfway through that I still wasn't going to be near a 10min mile, so upped it to 9.6, then 9.7 etc, and ended up doing about the last minute at 10kph, and my final time for a mile was 10mins 12secs.... I didn't meet the goal I'd set myself, but it's something I've never tried before and I did run for much longer at a faster speed than I've ever done which I am so proud of myself for. And even though I was slightly disappointed I didn't manage it, I really didn't think I'd be able to get that close to it so overall I'm very happy with the effort I put in. And mixing my workout up and setting myself a challenge actually meant that although I was exhausted afterwards I really enjoyed myself and felt to have really had a good workout. So you know what I'll be doing in a week's time? Having another go and starting off at 9.6kph this time lol. Watch this space!

Today's workout details:-
10mins Cross Trainer Profile 6 Level 5
21mins Treadmill Incline Walk
10mins Treadmill Run 9.5-10kph
10mins Cardio Wave
10mins Abs and Arm Strength Exercises

Wednesday, 1 September 2010

Day 1 Of A New Challenge

As I mentioned in my post the other day, I signed up for a challenge on one of the blogs I love to read, Syl's Live, Smile, Run.
There were two challenges to decide between, the first being to endure (enjoy doing lol) Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred every day for 30 days, the second being to exercise for at least 20mins a day for 30 days. I was tempted to sign up for the 30DS challenge, but as my usual exercise routine involves me going to the gym 4/5 times a week for cardio, classes and swimming, I knew if I was honest with myself that trying to do the 30DS on top of that would be pushing it too far. So I signed up for the minimum 20mins a day exercise for 30 days challenge, which although I know is still going to be hard, I feel is achievable. I'm planning on incorporating the 30DS into that, doing it at least once a week, and hopefully that should help with toning.
And it's a good job I did sign up for the challenge because I'm really sore today from doing the 30DS yesterday as well as my short run, and if I hadn't signed up I know I'd have used it as an excuse to take a rest day lol. BUT, I have signed up for this and am going to give it my all. I'm promised myself even if I'm dying I can manage a 20min walk each day, so I have NO excuse. So on went the dvd and I sweated my way through it again and felt so proud of myself afterwards.
I've decided to post on here each day what exercise I do, mainly as a record for me but also to keep me accountable. Some days it may just be a VERY short post with details of my exercise alone, just hope you don't get bored of reading about it.
I am SO hungry today though!!! The scale showed the same number this morning which I was a little disappointed with, but I suppose after a 4.5lbs drop yesterday I shouldn't be. I feel like I could eat non-stop today, and seem to be taking potty breaks regularly again, so I'm hoping I might see a drop again soon. My goal for September is to get the 3lb holiday gain off, plus another 4lbs, and I'm really going to try hard to achieve it.

Tuesday, 31 August 2010

I CAN Do This!!!

Sunday was a bad day, and yesterday morning when I woke up I really wondered if I could pull it all together and get myself back on plan again.
As I'd woken early I decided to get myself to the gym and get my workout out of the way, which would at least be a good start. It was a Bank Holiday here but I was surprised that the gym was still fairly busy. I really wasn't sure what I felt like doing, but knew that after going over a week without a run I needed to incorporate some treadmill work or risk losing some ground there. So in the end I warmed up for 10mins on the cross trainer, did a steady 5.3k run on the treadmill, and then did 2k on the rowing machine, which just about killed me lol. One thing I noticed after last holiday when I didn't run for several days was that when I first started running again the back of my thighs and the back of my hips (love handles) sort of hurt, and this happened again yesterday. Not a muscle sort of pain, more a bouncing pain if that makes any sense lol. Just goes to show I'd better not stop running for several days again had I?!
The rest of the day was hard but I got through it. I went to the supermarket and stocked up on loads of fresh fruit and veg, drank loads of water, ate healthy even though I didn't want to, and just generally put blinkers on so I couldn't veer off plan again. Yesterday evening I started peeing and didn't stop all night, and I mean through the night as well! I must have got up to pee every 2 hours through the night and I was getting so annoyed! But it was SO worth it this morning when the scale showed I'd lost 4.5lbs of the 7.5lbs gain overnight!!! I've NEVER lost that much weight overnight, just shows how much water I retain when I go off plan and don't exercise! So it's given me real hope that the other 3lbs might come off pretty quickly and then I can work on getting into new territory. We are going away again for a few days in about 8 weeks, and I REALLY want to have lost all the regain and another 7lbs if at all possible by then, so I'm going to give it my all.
This morning the gym didn't seem so appealing. I decided to have breakfast with hubby and DD before going, then I got to thinking that I really didn't want to go to the gym and maybe a run outside would be good instead as the weather was lovely. I put it off and put it off then decided that yes, a run was more appealing than the gym. So I got myself ready and went to find Bob to drag him along and you know what?! He was fast asleep, flat as a flat thing! That immediately gave me a perfect excuse not to do anything. I'm still new enough to running outside that I really need Bob with me to help me stop my heart rate from going sky high, and so that I can have proof of what I've achieved afterwards, so setting off without him was never an option in my head. But do you know what I did? I went and put him on charge and told him to pull himself together, and while he was doing that I put on my Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred DVD and did the Level 1 workout! Last time I did this workout was about Easter I think, and I had to stop several times, but today I did the whole workout and could really tell that my fitness has improved. She still kicked my butt but in a good way lol. And then do you know what I did after that? No, I didn't go collapse on the sofa and have a nap lol. I checked Bob had got his act together a little, strapped him on and went and did a 2.5k run/walk! I ended up walking most of the hills on the way back because my legs were already really tired from the 30Day Shred and it was midday by this time and hot, but I was just SO proud of myself for going out and still doing a short run after already doing the DVD!
Getting back on plan again straight away yesterday and then the workout I've done today has really convinced me yet again that although it might not be as quick as I'd originally planned, I AM going to get to goal and stay there this time. Before when I've lost weight a holiday or stressful time have been all it needed to make me go off plan and never be able to get back on again, only for all the weight to pile back on and bring more with it. I've been on this journey for 13 months now and lost more weight than ever before, consistently. I've exercised regularly the whole time, which I never did before, and am fitter than I think I've been in my whole life. And even though I've had several holidays and stressful times when I've gone off plan and gained weight, I've got straight back on again afterwards, repaired the damage and carried onto a new low. Knowing that I am now so strong and I really can do this for the rest of my life is just an amazing feeling, one I never thought I'd feel...

Sunday, 29 August 2010

Disgusted

Got back from another week's holiday in our caravan today and am really disgusted with myself.
Hopped on the scales (or rather lumbered today) and in 8 days totally off plan the scale has shot up 7.5lbs!!! I know most of it will be water weight and should come off quickly but still, I could cry... The first few days weren't too bad, but the holiday wasn't what I had hoped for and so I'm ashamed to say I reverted to my old behaviour of eating to comfort myself, and really went for it. I also haven't exercised at all while we were away. I took my running gear but used the excuse that it was hilly where we were to avoid even trying....
I have a lot of issues right now which are causing me much upset, worry and confusion. I've been trying to decide whether I should put the details in my blog as I really feel like getting it out and down it writing might help at least release a bit of the pressure that seems to be building up inside me, but on the other hand I'm terribly scared of being judged by anyone who does read it, or that someone in my family or a friend may read it, so for now I'm having to carry on bottling it up inside me.
Anyway, I know what I need to do in my immediate future to make myself feel better, and that is to get back on plan with my eating, get back into my exercise routine, get the weight gain back off as quickly as possible, and then work on seeing a new low on the scale. So tomorrow I've made plans to get up bright and early and get to the gym for a good workout, and come hell or high water I am going to have an on plan day with my eating, drink loads of water and get back into my usual daily routine at home.
I've also requested to join in a 60day exercise challenge starting on 1st September on one of the blogs I read and will post more details about that if I'm accepted.
So, although right now I'm disgusted with myself and my actions over the last week, I'm happy to be home and that I should be able to get back into my healthy routine over the next few days, and hopefully will feel much better by this time next week.

Friday, 20 August 2010

Feeling A Bit Down

Don't really know where to start with this post. Been pondering it for a few hours and still can't really get straight in my head what exactly is upsetting me.
To try to keep the story short, I had a suitcase in our loft filled with clothes that I outgrew years ago, definitely over 8-9 years before I lost a bit of weight to get pregnant with DD. I got hubby to get it down from the loft a month or so ago and tried several of the items on. A couple fit but most were still too small.
Anyway, fast forward to today, I've only lost about another 4-5lbs since I last tried the clothes on, but I seem to have suddenly gone down another size in clothing and everyone is asking me how much more weight I've lost because I look to have lost a lot more. So I decided to try some of them on again and was ecstatic to find that a several more outfits fit, including one dress that I bought years ago when I lost about 20lbs and used to feel SO sexy in.
The thing is, although they fit and looking in the mirror they looked great, I just didn't FEEL great in them. After gaining and losing over 110lbs, having a baby and then gallbladder surgery 2yrs ago, my body isn't the same as it was all those years ago. My boobs are like deflated saggy bags, although it has improved I still have a bad tummy apron, and I have scars from the surgery. I stood in this dress and although it looked nice, I just knew I wouldn't have the confidence to wear it. I felt like it was obvious my boobs were sagging even with a good bra on, and was paranoid that once I started moving about my tummy apron would be obvious as well.
I am mostly ecstatic about my weight loss, I honestly never imagined a year ago I'd have lost 114lbs and be in a UK 12/14, and no matter what happens I wouldn't put the weight back on to avoid the deflated saggy skin, but I just feel really down about this. I would love to wear sexy dresses again but right now I can't see that happening if my apron isn't going to improve A LOT. I know that I have another 15lbs to lose to get me to a healthy BMI so there is definitely still improvement to be made, and after I get to goal I'm planning on hiring personal trainer at my gym for some sessions to see if I can get myself toned up some more, but right now I just feel like I've worked so hard to get to this point, and now I'm here it's not all I hoped for.

Monday, 16 August 2010

Boot Camp Has Started!

Well, not really lol.
But I've just got back from my first day of six in a row I've got planned at the gym. DD is on holiday with my mum and step-dad, having a fab time by the sounds of it, so this week I'm making the most of the child free time to get some serious workouts in. Today was a BodyTone class followed by an Advanced Step Class which both kicked my butt but I loved them. I haven't been able to do both classes together for a few weeks due to the school holidays, so I'm a little worried I'm not going to be able to walk tomorrow lol!
When I first started my weight loss journey I avoided classes like the plague, I preferred to stay in the gym and use the machines on the levels I chose and put in the effort I felt I could. I was really scared of making a fool of myself in classes and not being able to keep up, but this last couple of months there's been a slow turnaround and now I actually prefer classes to the gym. I love the camaraderie with the other ladies, losing track of the time because I'm concentrating on the moves and keeping up, and the music and workout is always changing so I don't get chance to get bored like I do in the gym.

Thursday, 12 August 2010

Still Here

Just realised I haven't posted in a week, where did the time go?!
I meant to post on Sunday when we got back from visiting family on the coast, but it's been so crazy here I lost track of time and now it's 4 days later lol.
I didn't post about it at the time, but the one run I did when we were on holiday a couple of weeks back felt so hard that I think it contributed to me going so off plan the rest of the week. Since I've got into running I've read so much conflicting info about whether you should run the full distance you plan non-stop, or take walk breaks. Jeff Galloway endorses walk breaks, but I just felt like I was failing if I took a break. So far I've been determined to run non-stop and although afterwards I've been really proud of myself, I've actually not ended up enjoying my runs much because I've not been able to stop and admire the scenery or whatever, and at times I've found it really hard. That run on holiday lead me to being put off running and pondering over whether it was really for me. I've still carried on doing shorter runs on the treadmill at the gym, but doubted if running outside was something I really wanted to keep up. Then last weekend we went to the coast to visit family and I took my running gear with me. I had decided that, weather permitting, I'd go for a run on Sunday morning, using the same route along the promenade I'd first run back in April when I completed the C25K programme. I remember that first run and how hard it was the whole time, telling myself I'd just run to the next lamppost and so on, but I completed it all and was so proud. Anyway, on Sunday morning the weather was beautiful so I couldn't get out of it. However I decided to experiment and when I set off running I checked Bob and found as usual I was setting out way faster than I can comfortably maintain, so I forced myself to slow down and regulate my breathing and heart rate, and just try to enjoy the amazing view. I ran from one end of the prom to the other and a little bit further, 2.6k in total, at which point I told Bob to hang on for a couple of minutes while I re-did my ponytail and admired the view of the harbour while turning around and starting to walk back a little. I then gave Bob another nudge to get going again, and ran 2.4k back to my start point, again at a steadier pace and enjoying the view. What an amazing epiphany I had! I loved every minute of that run, I enjoyed looking at the scenery, didn't struggle to keep my pace, and at the end I felt as if I could have carried on forever!!! So what did I learn from this run?
1. I do love running outside, I've just been pushing myself too hard to keep getting faster or running farther, and as a result lost the enjoyment.
2. I'm hoping it wasn't just a really good run, but actually that slowing down a little and taking a short walk break made a huge difference and resulted in me feeling like I could have kept going.
3. Why did I not realise before that all the blogs I love to read with people posting photos from their runs must mean that sometimes they do actually stop and admire the view and they're not running machines who I will NEVER be able to hold a candle to lol!
4. If stopping to admire the view or taking a walk break means I can go further in the end, then surely that's a good thing because overall I'll burn more calories and increase my endurance.
5. Whatever it takes, if this is what I need to do to get back my love of running then it's worth it. I'm already looking forward to experimenting with another run soon.
6. I've decided that speed work for now for me is going to stay in the gym. I love speed work in the gym, cranking up the speed on the treadmill for a while and REALLY sweating, then backing off and so on, but outside it just takes away the joy of the run for me. So speed work is staying in the gym, and hopefully increasing distance while incorporating walk breaks and admiring my surroundings is going to be outside!
I'm also really happy that I'm now down 3lbs from before we went on holiday which is 3 weeks ago tomorrow and while we were visiting family I went shopping and bought new jeans in a UK14 and a really pretty summer top in a UK12! My ultimate goal in this journey has always been to be able to wear a size 12 comfortably, so that dream is starting to come true.
This week my gym visits have been sporadic because my daughter is on school holidays and hubby is at work, but come Saturday she is going on holiday for a week with my mum and step-dad, so I'm planning on hitting the gym most days to see if I can get another 1lb or so off before she comes back!
Watch this space...

Thursday, 5 August 2010

I'm Freaked Out

Last weekend after our holiday seeing the huge gain on the scale upset me although it was expected, but I got straight back on track and knew that I'd have to work hard to repair the damage. I fully expected to spend probably the next 3 weeks doing just that, which would take us up to our next week's holiday. So I'd worked it out in my head that I'd have lost 4 weeks weight loss opportunity up to the next holiday, and then possibly another 4 if the same thing happens again.
Finding that the holiday weight has dropped straight off in 3 days was a real shock although I'm ecstatic about it. Then to see another .5lb loss yesterday was just the icing on the cake. Last night however I felt bloated after dinner and was sure that I was in for a bounce up on the scale this morning. So I was completely freaked out this morning to see another 1lb loss. That means I've lost 7.5lbs in 5 days! I know the holiday weight must have been mostly water and I have been totally on plan since we got back, but still. I do seem to have a trend of having a good loss at the beginning of the month before my period, which slows right down the rest of the month, so that's maybe part of it, plus we did do loads of walking on holiday so I had more exercise than I'd given myself credit for. The weight loss had been slowing down a bit, and I have also wondered if it's like some people say when they've been stuck in a plateau for a while and they change their routine and the weight starts coming off again, maybe last week gave my system a shock because it was so different to how I've been for months and it's kickstarted the loss again. But I'm seriously freaked out by it all. I'm an eternal pessimist and it just seems to be going too well and I'm waiting for the bubble to burst and for me to bounce back up and stay there. I can't help thinking that I should be punished for going so off plan on holiday last week, but instead I'm seeing a lower number on the scale than I've seen in years. This then leads me to panic that because I think I can get away with it, I might be tempted to go off plan more often, which I REALLY don't want to fall into the trap of doing.
On the other side of the coin, it's exciting thinking that there's still a chance I might get to goal before the end of the year, or at least down another size in clothing....

Wednesday, 4 August 2010

Phew!

I don't know if this is good or bad really in the long run, although it feels great right now lol.
The gain on the scale after our week away had been a massive 6lbs! But I got myself back on plan on Saturday and Sunday saw 2lbs of that gone. Monday saw another 1.5lbs disappear, and then yesterday I was shocked and stunned to see the last 2.5lbs gone!!! I got on and off the scales several times to make sure it wasn't just teasing me, but sure enough all the holiday gain had gone in just 3 days back on plan totally. This morning I actually expected to bounce back up a bit but I found another .5lbs gone and hit the 110lbs/50kg gone mark!!! I still can't quite believe it and think I'll be expecting a bounce for a few days yet, but it feels SO good to have got back on plan and been able to wipe out last week's gain and be on the downward trend again. Really does go to show what I can do when I put my mind to it lol.

Sunday, 1 August 2010

Back From Holiday

We got back from our week away on Friday and my scale really did not like me.... Just goes to show that as soon as I stop exercising and start eating like the world is going to end tomorrow that the weight quickly comes back on... Seriously though, I only ran once in 8 days, I had 2 on plan days in those 8, 1 fairly on plan, and the rest were a complete bust, with 2 of those ending with me feeling sick I'd eaten that much, so I knew to expect a big gain...
I had spent the first 3 days of the holiday fighting with myself over whether I should be on plan and miserable because hubby and DD were having all the usual holiday foods, icecream, fish & chips, candyfloss, cream teas etc, or whether I should say that I'm on holiday, I'm SO different to how I was this time last year, and a week is not going to wreck the last year's hard work. Obviously the part of me who wanted to join in with the eating won, and most of the time while we were away I was content with that decision. I enjoyed having some foods I haven't eaten in SO long, and one thing I noticed was that I wasn't ashamed to be eating them in public like I used to be. It was just so nice to actually feel normal/average compared to other people I saw, I was happy with how I looked and was able to do things I wouldn't have dreamt of a year ago, like walking a mile and a half from the car to a castle to look around and then back again, and that was only a couple of hours out of a day, not a full day out sightseeing which we did some days. A year ago I expended as little energy as possible because it was just too hard and too painful....
Anyway, I got back on plan yesterday and went to the gym for a monster workout, and although it was really hard I managed it and feel much better today, plus the scale is being a little friendlier lol. Been to the gym again this morning as well. Was really tired when I woke up and considered not going, but I can't go tomorrow so forced myself. The air con in the gym was broken though so the heat and tiredness combined didn't make for a great workout. I managed an hour and am glad I went, but it definitely wasn't as good a workout as normal.
So what have I learnt in the past week or so? Staying on plan in not the be all and end all in my life anymore. I've made the most massive changes in my life this last 12 months and that shows in my body and mind. I have been SO focused on getting to goal as quickly as possible, even up to this holiday, but a week away has made me see things differently. I've realised that I've now reached the point where I'm actually fairly happy with how I look. I know I still have a way to go to goal and undressed there is still big room for improvement lol, but overall it's so huge an achievement for me to feel NORMAL. I keep looking at photos from our holiday and still find it hard to believe that that person who looks an average size, young and happy, is me... So whilst I'm now back on plan and determined to hit a new low on the scale soon, I've learnt that I can live my life like a normal person, enjoy holidays, celebrations etc, and I WILL still reach my goal. It may not be by the exact date I originally planned, but it will happen and I will not give up until it does. I think I'm finally learning what normal is...

Sunday, 18 July 2010

Overwhelmed & Panicking

After trying the new Body Tone class at the gym last Monday I spent the next 4 days hardly being able to walk lol. It definitely proved to have been a good workout, and glutton for punishment that I am I'm going back tomorrow to give it another go! Then on Friday I had a programme review with one of the instructors at the gym. He is nicknamed the drill sergeant and I would say that that nickname is a bit tame lol. I have NEVER had such a hard workout in my life! I seriously think he was getting great pleasure from seeing my face get redder and redder and the sweat dripping off me. At one point on the stationary bike I really didn't think I could keep going but he just kept pushing me. At the end my whole body ached and felt like jelly, and my heart rate was the highest it's been since more or less when I started this journey. I really don't know if I could do it all again without him there by my side pushing me, but I will give it a try. One thing he has put on my programme which I didn't have time to actually try was a quicker treadmill run. Over the months I've worked up and can now do 6k on the treadmill at 8kph with no incline. Drill sergeant is expecting me to do 2.4k at 9kph with a 1% incline!!! I have done intervals up to 9kph, but that's only been about 3min intervals, going back down to 8kph for recovery. There is NO way that I can do this then do the rest of the workout he had me do on Friday, so I've decided on Tuesday to go do my warmup, then give the run my best shot, and if that's all I manage so be it. I'll tackle the rest of the workout another day and work up to being able to do it all at some point in the future, or maybe never lol.
Now onto the title of this post. DD's school finishes for the summer holidays on Wed for just over 6 weeks.
I began this journey on the 27th July last year so was only just easing myself into it during the school holiday, and really started to increase the workouts etc after.
Currently I go to the gym Mon-Fri while DD is at school and get my workouts done, then I sometimes go one day on a weekend depending on what we have planned. I find it fairly easy to stick with my eating plan during the week when DD and hubby are both at school and work, but weekends are much harder because when I see them eating some things it's very tempting.
During the 6 weeks break we are also going away for two separate weeks in our caravan, the first one being next week.
SO, by Friday of this coming week I need to have all my usual jobs done at home, my usual workouts, shopping and packing the caravan for a week away. I feel totally overwhelmed, like I've got so much to do and don't know how I'm going to get it all done. I can't say anything to hubby because I know he would say that I should miss a couple of gym sessions if I don't have time for the other things, and that is NOT going to happen lol. So I'm just keeping my mouth shut, gritting my teeth and trying to stay calm although right now I feel totally overwhelmed.
But that leads me onto the panic I'm feeling, and if I'm honest, terror. I am so used to going to the gym at least 5 days a week for at least 45mins, how am I going to cope over the next six weeks when I can't do that? I have the two weeks when we are away when I obviously won't be able to go to the gym at all which is freaking me out lol! I love going to the gym, some days are harder than others, but I feel so strong after my workouts and I get antsy when I don't go for some reason... I'm taking all my running kit on holiday with me and having researched the area we are going to for our first week it seems that, weather permitting, it should be good for me to go for a run every couple of days at least, so that might keep me sane hopefully. I'm also going to research the area for our second week and see how promising that is. Then there are about 10 days when DD is going away with MIL or my mum so I'm planning on having some mammoth gym sessions then. But the other two weeks hubby is going to be working and I've no childcare so I won't be able to go to the gym at all, unless I can go on a night once hubby is home and DD is in bed. I do have various exercise dvd's and the wii fit which I could do if I can convince DD to play in her bedroom for a little while, but I'm never motivated to do them on my own which is why I joined the gym in the first place.
And as for healthy eating, how am I going to stay focused for the next six weeks with two weeks holiday and the other weeks my routine being totally shot to bits?! I've thought about just trying to maintain my weight during this period, but I really don't want to do that. I still have 21lbs to go to my initial goal weight and I need to keep the momentum going if I'm going to get to goal before the end of the year which is my aim. It's like I have an angel and a devil in my head at the moment. The angel is saying, just treat it like normal, find some way to exercise everyday, eat on plan, just have your Friday treat night, or change that night to another if necessary, but no more than one treat night. Then the devil is saying, you're going on holiday for goodness sake, have a good time, you deserve a few treats, and as for the exercise, you deserve a rest!!! See my problem? Any ideas? How can I stop it all from spinning out of control over the next six weeks?

Monday, 12 July 2010

Knew It Wouldn't Last

I knew that last week was going too well lol.
On Friday I went to my first Fitball class. After seeing some of the photos of my legs during my 5k race I realised it's time now after losing 107lbs to start with some serious toning lol. I wore my HRM and was disappointed to find that I burned less than 100 calories during the class, but I really did sweat and it definitely felt like hard work.
Then on Friday night my planned treats were sharing a chinese takeaway with hubby and have a little chocolate. Thing is hubby decided to go over the top and got us a fancy starter as well so I ended up eating far more than I'd planned and was mad at myself straight after.
I did however figure I'd be going to the gym first thing Saturday for a monster workout which would repair some of the damage. What I didn't figure on was the way I felt on Saturday morning when I got up. As soon as I got out of bed I felt like I was going to fall over. I felt horrendously dizzy and nauseous and even when I kept still I felt like my insides were still moving. I felt like I was on a boat on a rough sea and just wanted to get to shore. I decided I'd force some breakfast down me and sit for an hour at home and hope the feeling would pass, then I'd do my JM 30 Day Shred. That never happened either. It took everything I had to get myself dressed and drive to my mum's to collect DD and bring her home. When hubby got home from work he said I looked awful (thanks!) and sent me straight to bed. I stayed there for a couple of hours then forced myself to get up again and ate a sandwich hubby had made me. By this time the nausea had gone but the dizzyness was still the same and I had a flashing in my left eye. I figured I was going to get a migraine but that didn't happen. Then it was dinnertime and because I'd not been in a fit state to decide on dinner in the morning we had nothing ready to make quickly. So hubby and DD voted to get another takeaway, curry this time (I wasn't happy as we hardly ever have takeaways now since I started this journey, but I was in no real fit state to argue). Now I know I could have either not eaten anything or just put a measured portion on my plate and dealt with it but no, what did I do, I pigged out...
So by yesterday morning I was 2.5lbs up on the scale and pretty annoyed with myself. Luckily I was feeling a good bit better, but still didn't trust myself to try to workout so although I got back on plan food wise, I still ended up spending the day on the sofa.
This morning I was happy to see that one of those lbs had gone but I'm still angry with myself. Why do I do this? I know I feel so much happier when I stay on plan, so why do I blow it like this? I think this episode of veering off plan was due to me feeling so ill, and the old excuse I used to use of making myself feel better with food came back to haunt me. I know it was hubby who brought the food in the house and I could have refused it, but I just felt too weak physically and mentally at the time. Somethine else I guess I need to be more aware of in future. Plus it's made me see I need to stock the cupboards and freezer with more things that I or hubby can prepare quickly in this situation.
Anyway, I tried another new class this morning, Body Tone, which is the class right before my usual Step class. Even if I hadn't used my HRM I'd have known that this was a much harder class. There was an aerobic warmup and the whole class kept my heart rate much higher than the Fitball one. At the end my legs were like jelly and I really wasn't sure for the first 10mins of my Step class whether I'd be able to get through that as well lol. I made it though and tonight am feeling satisfyingly tired and achey and feel that I've at least gone a tiny bit of the way to making up for the weekend. I'm not sure if I will stick with the Fitball classes as, although I could feel the muscles I'd worked all weekend, it just didn't seem to do it for me if you know what I mean lol, but if I have the time I'm definitely going to try to do the Body Tone followed by Step on a Monday from now on. It's a great workout after the weekend, as Sunday is my usual rest day anyway, and hopefully I might start to see results.
I'm also in the process of trying to get my gym programme revamped. I've realised this past few weeks that apart from my treadmill runs, I'm totally bored with the rest of my gym circuit and need a change. It's got to the point where I don't want to go on a Tue and Thur which are my gym circuit days, so it's time for a change. I need to catch one of the instructors who they nickname the drill sergeant and arrange an appointment with him so he can hopefully sort me out a new routine which will excite and challenge me again, but I think I need to make sure I can still walk tomorrow and the next day after today's two classes lol.

Wednesday, 7 July 2010

Things Are Going Really Well

So while I wait for it all to fall apart around my ears I'm trying to make the most of it lol.
After my 5k race on Saturday we went out for a celebratory lunch and I had my planned treats and really enjoyed them. The rest of the day I was absolutely shattered though, I think partly from the race but also partly due to the state I'd got myself into in the build up to it. The best thing though was that I got straight back on plan later in the day instead of "treating myself" for the rest of the day or even into Sunday like I have been doing, and it's the first weekend in well over a month I think that the scale hasn't shot up only for me to have to work like mad to get it back down again during the week. I also had the best night's sleep on Saturday night I've had in ages lol.
Sunday I had a rest day but Monday I was back in the gym for my step class, yesterday was a mammoth gym workout including a 6k treadmill run, and I've just got back from THE best step class I've had in ages. I love our instructor and the music she chooses is fab, although I sweat buckets while doing the routine I LOVE how motivating the beat is.
I also saw a new stone on the scales this morning, one I don't remember seeing in a LONG time. I really feel like I'm actually getting to where I want to be, and that goal isn't an immeasurable distance in the future. I think if I keep focused and make sure the weekend pig outs don't return I can actually get there before the end of the year! And I think I'm getting close to needing to go down another size in clothes, to a UK14!!!! I have a whole suitcase up in our loft full of 14's from at least 10 years ago I think, most of which have been hardly worn and thankfully aren't outdated, so I think that will have to come down soon for me to have a trying on session and see how close I am.
My leg is also feeling a little better. I've kept icing it and doing some stretching and a few of the strengthening exercises the physio gave me, and yesterday when I did my treadmill run I tried to lengthen my stride like he suggested and the discomfort didn't seem as bad as normal. Then today I went in the gym before my step class and did the stretches and one set of the strengthening exercises and they really felt to warm it up nicely and now a couple of hours after my step class it doesn't feel bad at all. I'm seeing him again in the morning for a gait analysis and hoping it goes well, and that if I carry on doing as I'm told the worst might be over. I'm still a bit upset I can't sign up for a 10k yet, but we'll see how the next couple of weeks go and hope it's not going to be too long before I can increase my distance again. I know the main thing is to get this injury sorted and ensure it doesn't happen again, and I need to remember that a week ago I thought I might have to stop running altogether for a while, so should think myself lucky.
I'm also going to try a new toning class on Friday, Fitball! Been wanting to try some new classes for a while but was a scaredy cat and also wanted to concentrate on the running til the race, but now I think the time's now come to find a toning class to add into the mix and this one fits in with my timetable. I'm nervous of what to expect but the girls I've spoken to who do it say it's really good, so I just hope I don't fall off the ball too many times and make a complete fool of myself lol.

Saturday, 3 July 2010

I Did It!!!!


Today I ran my first 5k race and am still in a bit of a daze I think!
Last night I was really tired so went to bed early in the hope of getting at least a little sleep. Managed to sleep til 2.45am then just dozed til 6am when I decided enough was enough and got up. Had my usual pre-run breakfast, sliced banana and yoghurt and caffeine fix, and distracted myself by watching tv for a while. Once I started getting ready though the nerves really kicked in.
Hubby drove me down an hour before the start time so I could get my bearings, then he went to collect DD and my mum. It was at that point I felt lonely. Everyone seemed to have somebody with them and they were laughing and having fun and I didn't want to be on my own. After a while I met up with some people I know and felt a little better. They asked if I wanted to do the course with them, but they were all walking and even though I know I'd have had fun with them I had to try to achieve my goal. Then I saw hubby, DD, my mum and even my step-dad so that cheered me up a bit more.
When the time came to line up at the start I fell in with the joggers and tried to get to one side. Once the horn went to start the race I knew there was no turning back lol. I was conscious of thinking I had to keep a steady pace and I felt to be running really slowly, but when I looked at Bob for the first time I was actually doing a 6.54k pace when my usual pace is 7.30. I did think about slowing down, but decided just to try to push myself and see how I managed. It wasn't til I'd run the first 1k that I realised I didn't have my ipod on lol. I frantically struggled to get my earphones in and switch it on as I ran, but for once I didn't seem to need the music to motivate me, I was running on pure adrenaline I think.
At one point the sun was really hot and I could feel myself tiring but I just pushed on and soon the clouds appeared again and the breeze gave me a bit of relief.
One other difficulty I had was due to the fact that this race had runners, joggers and walkers. The announcers at the beginning had asked anyone walking or taking a walk break to move to the left to let others pass them, but people didn't seem to be taking any notice so I had to weave in and out to pass people a lot.
It wasn't until I reached the last 1/2k that I realised I was so close to the end and decided to go for it and speed up. As I was running along the home straight I had my day made by seeing my gym instructor on the sidelines waving and cheering me on! I know she was probably there to cheer others friends on, but the fact that she saw me running so well right at the end and cheered me on made it really special for me. It made it all seem a bit more real for me because it's through going to the gym and her encouragement that I've got to this point.
When I crossed the finish line I stopped Bob, went to get my medal, goody bag and water and headed to the meeting point. As I'd crossed the finish line the race clock had said 32.10, but I was even happier when I looked at Bob to see I'd done it in 31.49. However it turned out that the course had only been 4.51k which made me feel as if I hadn't really done the job I'd set out to do. But I felt like I could have run a lot further, not just another 1/2k, so I did some quick calculations and based on my average pace worked out that my time would have been 35.15 for 5k which still smashed my 40min goal!
Hubby and family then appeared with a bottle of pink sparkly wine to toast my success, and then it was time to head back to the car.
When we got home I plugged Bob in who was happy to report that my average page was 7.03 which confirmed the 35.15 5k. Not surprising my heart rate during the race was higher than normal, but who cares lol. I did it!
Overall this was a great experience. I was disappointed that the atmosphere wasn't as good as I'd hoped, but that was maybe due to me feeling nervous and lonely, and I wish it had of been a full 5k. But the main thing is I ran my first race, achieved my goal of running the whole way and smashed my goal of an under 40min finish!!!
And I think this race officially made me a runner because if the physio hadn't told me on Thursday that I shouldn't increase my running distance past the 6k I'm doing regularly til we get this tendonitis sorted, I'd have come straight up and found a 10k to sign up for in a few months!

Friday, 2 July 2010

Less Than 24Hrs!

This time tomorrow I'm going to be waiting with hundreds of other women for the start of my first 5k Race!
I can't believe how quick it seems to have come around, and now that it's here I'm SO SCARED! I think part of it is because I'm doing it on my own. I know several other ladies who are doing it, but they are all walking and I'm running. In a way I wish I'd been able to do it with someone, but then again this is a very personal thing for me so I'm probably going to be better off on my own.
The Race is to raise money for Cancer Research and whilst I'm really pleased with the amount I've raised, my main reason for signing up for the Race in the first place was to challenge myself and as a milestone to remember in this weight loss journey.
Only 11 months ago I could barely walk a kilometre without being exhausted, crippled with backache, aching feet and legs. In January when I started running on the treadmill at the gym I could barely manage three x 60sec runs without feeling like I was going to die. And now I regularly run 6k non-stop. When I run I feel SO strong, like I can do anything that I put my mind to, because I know how far I've come to where I am now, and that amazes me....
I am worried about the Race because I've got it into my head that I want to run the whole thing and finish in under 40mins. I do this easily on the treadmill and have done it several times outside as well, but I'm worried that if the weather is hot that will affect me, and not knowing what the crowd is going to be like I'm scared I won't be able to get a steady pace going which will affect my time. Others keep telling me it's the fact I'm doing it that matters and I should be proud of myself whatever happens, and I know they're right, but I still can't stop wanting to achieve these two goals and I know I will feel disappointed with myself if I don't manage them.
I've spent the last couple of days getting everything ready for the morning, music on my Ipod, charging Bob so he can tell me if I'm doing ok, staring at my bib etc. Whilst doing this I keep filling up with tears because I just still find it so hard to comprehend that this is me now, that I'm a runner and I'm about to do my first Race. When I went to see the physio yesterday he treat me like an athlete and it's just so foreign to me. Inside sometimes I still feel like the same morbidly obese, extremely depressed and unhappy, terribly unfit person, then I realise she's gone. If I'd lost this weight by changing my eating alone I could see me going back, but by joining the gym I feel like I've completely changed my future forever. I cannot imagine ever not exercising now. Before I saw the physio and thought he may tell me I had to stop running or even exercising altogether for a while I was absolutely panic stricken. My run yesterday morning before physio, the whole time I just kept thinking, I love this, I love running, please don't make me have to stop and I felt sad at the end because I was scared it would be my last run for a while. I was SO happy when he told me I could carry on as normal as long as things don't get any worse, and I'm going to do everything in my power to make sure that they don't.
I know that I'm going to do a lot of crying tomorrow morning, before, during and after the race probably. Seeing all the other women when I get there and reading the messages on their back signs is going to be humbling. I have songs on my playlist that have helped get me to where I am now, and every step that I take is going to move me closer to another milestone in this journey. Seeing my loved ones cheering me on from the sidelines and being there to hug me and congratulate me when I finish is going to be wonderful, because I know I've also amazed them with how far I've come, and I want to show them how strong I am now and what I can achieve.
And if I manage to achieve my two goals of running the whole way and in under 40mins, then that will be the icing on the cake.....

Wednesday, 30 June 2010

Injured Then Not?

I'm happy to say that since the weekend I've been totally back on plan and this morning was ecstatic to even see a new low on the scales. I'm determined to keep it going again now, no more 36hr binges for me!
Since I started running in January I've had several little niggly injuries in my legs, one in my right hamstring I think which still niggles now and again, but the one that occured the beginning of last week seemed here to stay. For a few weeks my left calf has felt tight when I've first got up on a morning, and when I've started running on the treadmill at the gym my calf and shin have ached for the first 10mins or so, but then have been fine. Last Tuesday though after my workout, when I got home my calf, shin and ankle really started to hurt. I wasn't sure what the route of the problem was but I iced my lower leg and took a rest day on the Wednesday. It did ease a fair bit so I did my usual Thursday workout, after which it hurt again, so I rested it again on Friday and Saturday. Sunday I went to the gym and it was just the same, and Monday step class was uncomfortable. Then later on Monday I went to reach up to one of the high shelves in the kitchen and when I raised onto my tiptoes and put more weight on my left leg it suddenly hurt much more. It was at this point I knew I needed to finally do something about it, so yesterday whilst at the gym I went to see the sports physio and had a quick chat with him. He said it could be merely a calf strain, neurological or to do with my achilles, so booked me in for an initial consultation tomorrow at 11am. He said that I can still do my first 5k race on Saturday as it doesn't seem to be severe at this stage, but that I should try to focus on the bike and eliptical to rest it a bit til I see him.
Well, would you believe it, I got up this morning, started to walk towards the bathroom and.... no tightness... no pain... nothing! I pointed and flexed my foot and did a few experimental moves to see if that caused it to hurt, nope. Walked my daughter to school, still nothing. I figured I'd go to my step class at lunchtime and that would make it raise it's ugly head again for sure, but here I am and still no pain! And now I don't know what to do, I considered going to see if the physio was there to cancel my appointment for tomorrow, but then figured I have another workout in the morning before my appointment so need to see how that goes. If the pain comes back then he can look into it, if not I will go and just talk to him about my niggles and see if he can offer any advice and give me some stretches and strengthening exercises to hopefully reduce the chance of me getting anymore. I'm just relieved that I'm not in pain today, so I'll take it. If I have to pay for a physio session and only get advice from it, if that's all I need, then fine.
And did I say, my first 5k Race is only 3 days away and I'm absolutely terrified!!! I know I can run the distance, have got up to 6k non-stop now and 8k with walk breaks, so that's not a problem, but I'm worried that the weather is going to be hot which I'm not used to running in yet and that I won't be able to get a steady pace going because of the other runners. My main problem is that I've got it into my head that I want to run the whole thing, and in under 40mins. I'm getting faster, but right now I'm still a slow runner, so I'd be ecstatic with under 40mins. But what if it's too hot and the heat affects me badly, what if I have to take walk breaks, what if I can't keep a steady pace because of the other runners and don't make the 40mins? See, loads of what ifs which just mean I'm terrified of not achieving my goals. I know it's not the end of the world if I walk or don't make the time, but in my head it is, I want to do the best that I can and prove to myself and my family just how far I've come in the last 11 months, and I want the whole experience to be totally positive and give me the momentum to keep going to a 10k next. I know realistically there is nothing more I can do now to prepare myself, other than pray to the weather gods that it's cloudy and cool on Saturday, and that I'm lucky with the crowds and can get a steady pace going. All I know is I'm going to be SO glad when it's over lol