I CAN Do This!!!

Sunday was a bad day, and yesterday morning when I woke up I really wondered if I could pull it all together and get myself back on plan again.
As I'd woken early I decided to get myself to the gym and get my workout out of the way, which would at least be a good start. It was a Bank Holiday here but I was surprised that the gym was still fairly busy. I really wasn't sure what I felt like doing, but knew that after going over a week without a run I needed to incorporate some treadmill work or risk losing some ground there. So in the end I warmed up for 10mins on the cross trainer, did a steady 5.3k run on the treadmill, and then did 2k on the rowing machine, which just about killed me lol. One thing I noticed after last holiday when I didn't run for several days was that when I first started running again the back of my thighs and the back of my hips (love handles) sort of hurt, and this happened again yesterday. Not a muscle sort of pain, more a bouncing pain if that makes any sense lol. Just goes to show I'd better not stop running for several days again had I?!
The rest of the day was hard but I got through it. I went to the supermarket and stocked up on loads of fresh fruit and veg, drank loads of water, ate healthy even though I didn't want to, and just generally put blinkers on so I couldn't veer off plan again. Yesterday evening I started peeing and didn't stop all night, and I mean through the night as well! I must have got up to pee every 2 hours through the night and I was getting so annoyed! But it was SO worth it this morning when the scale showed I'd lost 4.5lbs of the 7.5lbs gain overnight!!! I've NEVER lost that much weight overnight, just shows how much water I retain when I go off plan and don't exercise! So it's given me real hope that the other 3lbs might come off pretty quickly and then I can work on getting into new territory. We are going away again for a few days in about 8 weeks, and I REALLY want to have lost all the regain and another 7lbs if at all possible by then, so I'm going to give it my all.
This morning the gym didn't seem so appealing. I decided to have breakfast with hubby and DD before going, then I got to thinking that I really didn't want to go to the gym and maybe a run outside would be good instead as the weather was lovely. I put it off and put it off then decided that yes, a run was more appealing than the gym. So I got myself ready and went to find Bob to drag him along and you know what?! He was fast asleep, flat as a flat thing! That immediately gave me a perfect excuse not to do anything. I'm still new enough to running outside that I really need Bob with me to help me stop my heart rate from going sky high, and so that I can have proof of what I've achieved afterwards, so setting off without him was never an option in my head. But do you know what I did? I went and put him on charge and told him to pull himself together, and while he was doing that I put on my Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred DVD and did the Level 1 workout! Last time I did this workout was about Easter I think, and I had to stop several times, but today I did the whole workout and could really tell that my fitness has improved. She still kicked my butt but in a good way lol. And then do you know what I did after that? No, I didn't go collapse on the sofa and have a nap lol. I checked Bob had got his act together a little, strapped him on and went and did a 2.5k run/walk! I ended up walking most of the hills on the way back because my legs were already really tired from the 30Day Shred and it was midday by this time and hot, but I was just SO proud of myself for going out and still doing a short run after already doing the DVD!
Getting back on plan again straight away yesterday and then the workout I've done today has really convinced me yet again that although it might not be as quick as I'd originally planned, I AM going to get to goal and stay there this time. Before when I've lost weight a holiday or stressful time have been all it needed to make me go off plan and never be able to get back on again, only for all the weight to pile back on and bring more with it. I've been on this journey for 13 months now and lost more weight than ever before, consistently. I've exercised regularly the whole time, which I never did before, and am fitter than I think I've been in my whole life. And even though I've had several holidays and stressful times when I've gone off plan and gained weight, I've got straight back on again afterwards, repaired the damage and carried onto a new low. Knowing that I am now so strong and I really can do this for the rest of my life is just an amazing feeling, one I never thought I'd feel...

Disgusted

Got back from another week's holiday in our caravan today and am really disgusted with myself.
Hopped on the scales (or rather lumbered today) and in 8 days totally off plan the scale has shot up 7.5lbs!!! I know most of it will be water weight and should come off quickly but still, I could cry... The first few days weren't too bad, but the holiday wasn't what I had hoped for and so I'm ashamed to say I reverted to my old behaviour of eating to comfort myself, and really went for it. I also haven't exercised at all while we were away. I took my running gear but used the excuse that it was hilly where we were to avoid even trying....
I have a lot of issues right now which are causing me much upset, worry and confusion. I've been trying to decide whether I should put the details in my blog as I really feel like getting it out and down it writing might help at least release a bit of the pressure that seems to be building up inside me, but on the other hand I'm terribly scared of being judged by anyone who does read it, or that someone in my family or a friend may read it, so for now I'm having to carry on bottling it up inside me.
Anyway, I know what I need to do in my immediate future to make myself feel better, and that is to get back on plan with my eating, get back into my exercise routine, get the weight gain back off as quickly as possible, and then work on seeing a new low on the scale. So tomorrow I've made plans to get up bright and early and get to the gym for a good workout, and come hell or high water I am going to have an on plan day with my eating, drink loads of water and get back into my usual daily routine at home.
I've also requested to join in a 60day exercise challenge starting on 1st September on one of the blogs I read and will post more details about that if I'm accepted.
So, although right now I'm disgusted with myself and my actions over the last week, I'm happy to be home and that I should be able to get back into my healthy routine over the next few days, and hopefully will feel much better by this time next week.

Feeling A Bit Down

Don't really know where to start with this post. Been pondering it for a few hours and still can't really get straight in my head what exactly is upsetting me.
To try to keep the story short, I had a suitcase in our loft filled with clothes that I outgrew years ago, definitely over 8-9 years before I lost a bit of weight to get pregnant with DD. I got hubby to get it down from the loft a month or so ago and tried several of the items on. A couple fit but most were still too small.
Anyway, fast forward to today, I've only lost about another 4-5lbs since I last tried the clothes on, but I seem to have suddenly gone down another size in clothing and everyone is asking me how much more weight I've lost because I look to have lost a lot more. So I decided to try some of them on again and was ecstatic to find that a several more outfits fit, including one dress that I bought years ago when I lost about 20lbs and used to feel SO sexy in.
The thing is, although they fit and looking in the mirror they looked great, I just didn't FEEL great in them. After gaining and losing over 110lbs, having a baby and then gallbladder surgery 2yrs ago, my body isn't the same as it was all those years ago. My boobs are like deflated saggy bags, although it has improved I still have a bad tummy apron, and I have scars from the surgery. I stood in this dress and although it looked nice, I just knew I wouldn't have the confidence to wear it. I felt like it was obvious my boobs were sagging even with a good bra on, and was paranoid that once I started moving about my tummy apron would be obvious as well.
I am mostly ecstatic about my weight loss, I honestly never imagined a year ago I'd have lost 114lbs and be in a UK 12/14, and no matter what happens I wouldn't put the weight back on to avoid the deflated saggy skin, but I just feel really down about this. I would love to wear sexy dresses again but right now I can't see that happening if my apron isn't going to improve A LOT. I know that I have another 15lbs to lose to get me to a healthy BMI so there is definitely still improvement to be made, and after I get to goal I'm planning on hiring personal trainer at my gym for some sessions to see if I can get myself toned up some more, but right now I just feel like I've worked so hard to get to this point, and now I'm here it's not all I hoped for.

Boot Camp Has Started!

Well, not really lol.
But I've just got back from my first day of six in a row I've got planned at the gym. DD is on holiday with my mum and step-dad, having a fab time by the sounds of it, so this week I'm making the most of the child free time to get some serious workouts in. Today was a BodyTone class followed by an Advanced Step Class which both kicked my butt but I loved them. I haven't been able to do both classes together for a few weeks due to the school holidays, so I'm a little worried I'm not going to be able to walk tomorrow lol!
When I first started my weight loss journey I avoided classes like the plague, I preferred to stay in the gym and use the machines on the levels I chose and put in the effort I felt I could. I was really scared of making a fool of myself in classes and not being able to keep up, but this last couple of months there's been a slow turnaround and now I actually prefer classes to the gym. I love the camaraderie with the other ladies, losing track of the time because I'm concentrating on the moves and keeping up, and the music and workout is always changing so I don't get chance to get bored like I do in the gym.

Still Here

Just realised I haven't posted in a week, where did the time go?!
I meant to post on Sunday when we got back from visiting family on the coast, but it's been so crazy here I lost track of time and now it's 4 days later lol.
I didn't post about it at the time, but the one run I did when we were on holiday a couple of weeks back felt so hard that I think it contributed to me going so off plan the rest of the week. Since I've got into running I've read so much conflicting info about whether you should run the full distance you plan non-stop, or take walk breaks. Jeff Galloway endorses walk breaks, but I just felt like I was failing if I took a break. So far I've been determined to run non-stop and although afterwards I've been really proud of myself, I've actually not ended up enjoying my runs much because I've not been able to stop and admire the scenery or whatever, and at times I've found it really hard. That run on holiday lead me to being put off running and pondering over whether it was really for me. I've still carried on doing shorter runs on the treadmill at the gym, but doubted if running outside was something I really wanted to keep up. Then last weekend we went to the coast to visit family and I took my running gear with me. I had decided that, weather permitting, I'd go for a run on Sunday morning, using the same route along the promenade I'd first run back in April when I completed the C25K programme. I remember that first run and how hard it was the whole time, telling myself I'd just run to the next lamppost and so on, but I completed it all and was so proud. Anyway, on Sunday morning the weather was beautiful so I couldn't get out of it. However I decided to experiment and when I set off running I checked Bob and found as usual I was setting out way faster than I can comfortably maintain, so I forced myself to slow down and regulate my breathing and heart rate, and just try to enjoy the amazing view. I ran from one end of the prom to the other and a little bit further, 2.6k in total, at which point I told Bob to hang on for a couple of minutes while I re-did my ponytail and admired the view of the harbour while turning around and starting to walk back a little. I then gave Bob another nudge to get going again, and ran 2.4k back to my start point, again at a steadier pace and enjoying the view. What an amazing epiphany I had! I loved every minute of that run, I enjoyed looking at the scenery, didn't struggle to keep my pace, and at the end I felt as if I could have carried on forever!!! So what did I learn from this run?
1. I do love running outside, I've just been pushing myself too hard to keep getting faster or running farther, and as a result lost the enjoyment.
2. I'm hoping it wasn't just a really good run, but actually that slowing down a little and taking a short walk break made a huge difference and resulted in me feeling like I could have kept going.
3. Why did I not realise before that all the blogs I love to read with people posting photos from their runs must mean that sometimes they do actually stop and admire the view and they're not running machines who I will NEVER be able to hold a candle to lol!
4. If stopping to admire the view or taking a walk break means I can go further in the end, then surely that's a good thing because overall I'll burn more calories and increase my endurance.
5. Whatever it takes, if this is what I need to do to get back my love of running then it's worth it. I'm already looking forward to experimenting with another run soon.
6. I've decided that speed work for now for me is going to stay in the gym. I love speed work in the gym, cranking up the speed on the treadmill for a while and REALLY sweating, then backing off and so on, but outside it just takes away the joy of the run for me. So speed work is staying in the gym, and hopefully increasing distance while incorporating walk breaks and admiring my surroundings is going to be outside!
I'm also really happy that I'm now down 3lbs from before we went on holiday which is 3 weeks ago tomorrow and while we were visiting family I went shopping and bought new jeans in a UK14 and a really pretty summer top in a UK12! My ultimate goal in this journey has always been to be able to wear a size 12 comfortably, so that dream is starting to come true.
This week my gym visits have been sporadic because my daughter is on school holidays and hubby is at work, but come Saturday she is going on holiday for a week with my mum and step-dad, so I'm planning on hitting the gym most days to see if I can get another 1lb or so off before she comes back!
Watch this space...

I'm Freaked Out

Last weekend after our holiday seeing the huge gain on the scale upset me although it was expected, but I got straight back on track and knew that I'd have to work hard to repair the damage. I fully expected to spend probably the next 3 weeks doing just that, which would take us up to our next week's holiday. So I'd worked it out in my head that I'd have lost 4 weeks weight loss opportunity up to the next holiday, and then possibly another 4 if the same thing happens again.
Finding that the holiday weight has dropped straight off in 3 days was a real shock although I'm ecstatic about it. Then to see another .5lb loss yesterday was just the icing on the cake. Last night however I felt bloated after dinner and was sure that I was in for a bounce up on the scale this morning. So I was completely freaked out this morning to see another 1lb loss. That means I've lost 7.5lbs in 5 days! I know the holiday weight must have been mostly water and I have been totally on plan since we got back, but still. I do seem to have a trend of having a good loss at the beginning of the month before my period, which slows right down the rest of the month, so that's maybe part of it, plus we did do loads of walking on holiday so I had more exercise than I'd given myself credit for. The weight loss had been slowing down a bit, and I have also wondered if it's like some people say when they've been stuck in a plateau for a while and they change their routine and the weight starts coming off again, maybe last week gave my system a shock because it was so different to how I've been for months and it's kickstarted the loss again. But I'm seriously freaked out by it all. I'm an eternal pessimist and it just seems to be going too well and I'm waiting for the bubble to burst and for me to bounce back up and stay there. I can't help thinking that I should be punished for going so off plan on holiday last week, but instead I'm seeing a lower number on the scale than I've seen in years. This then leads me to panic that because I think I can get away with it, I might be tempted to go off plan more often, which I REALLY don't want to fall into the trap of doing.
On the other side of the coin, it's exciting thinking that there's still a chance I might get to goal before the end of the year, or at least down another size in clothing....

Phew!

I don't know if this is good or bad really in the long run, although it feels great right now lol.
The gain on the scale after our week away had been a massive 6lbs! But I got myself back on plan on Saturday and Sunday saw 2lbs of that gone. Monday saw another 1.5lbs disappear, and then yesterday I was shocked and stunned to see the last 2.5lbs gone!!! I got on and off the scales several times to make sure it wasn't just teasing me, but sure enough all the holiday gain had gone in just 3 days back on plan totally. This morning I actually expected to bounce back up a bit but I found another .5lbs gone and hit the 110lbs/50kg gone mark!!! I still can't quite believe it and think I'll be expecting a bounce for a few days yet, but it feels SO good to have got back on plan and been able to wipe out last week's gain and be on the downward trend again. Really does go to show what I can do when I put my mind to it lol.

Back From Holiday

We got back from our week away on Friday and my scale really did not like me.... Just goes to show that as soon as I stop exercising and start eating like the world is going to end tomorrow that the weight quickly comes back on... Seriously though, I only ran once in 8 days, I had 2 on plan days in those 8, 1 fairly on plan, and the rest were a complete bust, with 2 of those ending with me feeling sick I'd eaten that much, so I knew to expect a big gain...
I had spent the first 3 days of the holiday fighting with myself over whether I should be on plan and miserable because hubby and DD were having all the usual holiday foods, icecream, fish & chips, candyfloss, cream teas etc, or whether I should say that I'm on holiday, I'm SO different to how I was this time last year, and a week is not going to wreck the last year's hard work. Obviously the part of me who wanted to join in with the eating won, and most of the time while we were away I was content with that decision. I enjoyed having some foods I haven't eaten in SO long, and one thing I noticed was that I wasn't ashamed to be eating them in public like I used to be. It was just so nice to actually feel normal/average compared to other people I saw, I was happy with how I looked and was able to do things I wouldn't have dreamt of a year ago, like walking a mile and a half from the car to a castle to look around and then back again, and that was only a couple of hours out of a day, not a full day out sightseeing which we did some days. A year ago I expended as little energy as possible because it was just too hard and too painful....
Anyway, I got back on plan yesterday and went to the gym for a monster workout, and although it was really hard I managed it and feel much better today, plus the scale is being a little friendlier lol. Been to the gym again this morning as well. Was really tired when I woke up and considered not going, but I can't go tomorrow so forced myself. The air con in the gym was broken though so the heat and tiredness combined didn't make for a great workout. I managed an hour and am glad I went, but it definitely wasn't as good a workout as normal.
So what have I learnt in the past week or so? Staying on plan in not the be all and end all in my life anymore. I've made the most massive changes in my life this last 12 months and that shows in my body and mind. I have been SO focused on getting to goal as quickly as possible, even up to this holiday, but a week away has made me see things differently. I've realised that I've now reached the point where I'm actually fairly happy with how I look. I know I still have a way to go to goal and undressed there is still big room for improvement lol, but overall it's so huge an achievement for me to feel NORMAL. I keep looking at photos from our holiday and still find it hard to believe that that person who looks an average size, young and happy, is me... So whilst I'm now back on plan and determined to hit a new low on the scale soon, I've learnt that I can live my life like a normal person, enjoy holidays, celebrations etc, and I WILL still reach my goal. It may not be by the exact date I originally planned, but it will happen and I will not give up until it does. I think I'm finally learning what normal is...