Sunday, 9 January 2011

Time For An Attitude Adjustment

I've been struggling since before Christmas really. Daily weighing is no longer working for me now that I'm nearing goal. I just can't handle the daily fluctuations and my mood is up or down dependant on the number I see each morning. It's driving me mad and I really can't carry on like this.
Years ago when I considered myself slim I weighed in the 140-150 range, and when I started this journey I never imagined for a moment I could ever get to weigh less than that. When I first saw the 130's before Christmas something clicked and I've been desparate to get as far away from the number 140 as possible since then to give me room to maneouvre during maintenance, as I decided that 140 would be my red line. But realistically I know that losing another few lbs isn't going to make a big difference to my body shape or size, it's in my head where the problem is.
So I've decided that somehow I need to stop the daily weighing and go back to weekly, rather than desparately trying to find a pattern to my fluctuations to make them bearable. And instead I need to keep doing what I've been doing very successfully for the last 18 months (eating healthy 95% of the time and exercising hard 5/6 days a week for a minimum 45mins) and trust my body to decide where it wants to end up in the number stakes. Ideally I would love to get to 132lbs, but as long as I stay below 140lbs then I will be satisfied. I have to admit I'm really scared of going back to weekly weighing, facing the unknown for the other 6 days each week and worrying in case I'm gaining without knowing about it, but I know for my sanity I really have to.
I'm not sure how I'm going to stop the daily weighing, planned not to weigh this morning but couldn't, but I know it needs doing so watch this space....

Thursday, 6 January 2011

Not Good Enough

I've been feeling anxious, upset, tearful and angry for a couple of weeks now and really couldn't work out what was wrong with me.
Earlier I finally broke down in tears and had to take myself away from DH and DD to go cry in the bathroom. Whilst in there I kept asking myself what was wrong, and you know what, the answer came back that I'm just not good enough. This whole weight thing right now is getting to me so much, I know I'm obsessed but I don't know how to stop it. I'm fine when the weight is coming off, but when it stops or I gain I totally freak out, and that affects every other aspect of my life. Because it's not going perfectly to plan, I feel out of control and, useless, a failure. I've known for a lot of years I'm a perfectionist, and although I've tried and tried to change that I can't. If I can't do something perfectly, I either don't do it at all, or I beat myself up over it the whole time.
My housekeeping is far from perfect so I'm a bad housewife and end up sitting in front of the pc when I should be doing stuff because, what's the point, it will never be perfect. DD brought some homework home today which was what finally tipped me over the edge. She's 7 years old and I really had no clue how to help her with it so I told her she'd have to ask her dad to help and then went and broke down. Admittedly he said it was totally unsuitable homework for her age and he struggled to help her as well although we are by no means unintelligent people, but in my head it just proves again that I'm a useless mum.
When the weight is coming off I'm fine, but when it's stuck, like now, I feel useless, like a failure, so why should I keep trying. This weight loss journey is the first really hard thing in my life I've stuck with for this long apart from my marriage and being a mum, and sometimes if I could run away from those as well I would.
I just feel that I'm not good enough and I don't know how to change that. How can I give myself a break and move forward instead of being paralysed whenever this perfectionism rears it's ugly head. Because that's how I feel, paralysed. I have so many emotions that seem to be trapped inside me lately and I don't know how to handle them. I used to bury them with food and now I can no longer do that I don't know what else to do...

Tuesday, 4 January 2011

What Am I Playing At?!

On Xmas Eve I was at my lowest weight of 137.5lbs. Over Xmas I was pretty good, but ended up on New Year's Eve at 138.5lbs. Then New Year's Eve all hell let loose....
I'd been saying no to so many things I wanted for the week previously and I'd just had enough. So that night (I was on plan all day) I ate all the things I wanted, and by midnight I felt thoroughly stuffed...
Come 1st Jan, I weighed 140lbs, but I was actually ok with that as I knew most would be water and the food from the day before and I was really ready to get back on plan for the New Year and break into new territory.
So why can't I do it? 2nd Jan saw me down to 139lbs but now I'm stuck. I've been really upset and angry that the scales aren't co-operating, but then I really thought about it and I'm not surprised. My usual exercise routine hasn't been happening because of the gym not being open usual hours and my usual classes being cancelled for the holiday, and then I thought about my lunches... DH has been home most of the holiday and we've had different lunches to normal, and then I realised, much higher calorie lunches to normal. I normally just have a sandwich for lunch, but we've had (hides head in shame) Burger King, rich soup with bread & spread, cheese on toast, you get the picture. So why am I blaming the stupid scale? Because it's easier than blaming myself... I've even been mad at DH for being home and "making" me eat these things!
So this morning I told him, no more, as of today I'm going back to my normal lunches, DH and DD can have what they want, but I can't carry on like this. I'm freaking out that the scale won't drop back down again to it's low, but how can I expect it to when I'm eating more calories than I was? I'm also going to the gym in an hour to try a new class Bodycombat. My personal trainer thinks I'll enjoy it as I like the boxing we do, and I used to love Tae Bo years ago, so I thought I'd give it a try. I need to get back to my usual routine as well as mixing things up a bit. I can't be frustrated at those scales for not showing a number I want if I don't do what I know I should do.
Let's hope this works...