Sunday, 28 November 2010

Calming Down But Still Got Head Work To Do

After my last post I'm really happy to say that things have improved.
My weight loss pattern of the last three months came into play again and after being stuck for almost 3 weeks I lost 4lbs in a week, and am now averaging 142.5lbs which I'm really happy about. It's funny though, because when I saw the elusive 145lbs there wasn't the huge excitement that I thought there would be...
I've had time to give this a lot of thought recently and I know the reason is that 16 months ago when I started this journey 145lbs seemed impossible, but in my head that 145lbs also brought up a picture of a perfect body... No loose skin, flat stomach, toned limbs etc... Well, let me just say that that picture isn't what I ended up with. Although clothed I am ecstatic with the reflection in the mirror, naked is another thing. I have a LOT of loose skin after losing over 130lbs, especially on my stomach, but also my arms, thighs, knees etc... I am now working with a personal trainer once a week and am definitely seeing improvements from combining those sessions with my usual workouts and a programme he has made for me, but I know in reality that perfect body isn't going to happen, and that's left me thinking, what do I do now?
As 145lbs is the very top of the healthy BMI range for me and the weight is still coming off steadily each month, although it seems in spurts, I've decided to revise my goal to 135-137lbs and see where that takes me, then think again.
Although the number on the scale is still a high priority for me, through these PT sessions and talking with my trainer I'm learning that my body shape needs to become a higher priority now I've reached this point, so I'm trying to take the focus off the number a little, although not really sure how to do it yet.
I'm stuck in a vicious cycle with my weighing I know that. I used to weigh weekly on a Friday am, but then moved to daily weighing, but have to say I'm struggling with that. Earlier in this journey weekly weighing was great because I saw a loss almost every week, so little fluctuations weren't really a problem. But now I'm nearing where I think I want to be I know my weight can alter between half to two pounds each day, and seeing as I'm losing about 4lbs a month now in spurts it's likely that at least a couple of those weekly weigh ins I could likely see the same number or even see a gain. Weighing daily I can see the ups and downs and as long as the general trend is down over a week or two I'm happy. But weighing every day is also frustrating for me as well because I'd be lying if I said it didn't help set my mood for the day.
In an ideal world I'd go back to weighing weekly on a Friday, and just be happy that if I knew I was staying on my eating and exercise plan, I could trust that the weight would keep coming off and my body would keep improving. Any ideas on how I can make this transition?

Thursday, 11 November 2010

I Will Not Give In

The scale is still showing 146.5lbs this morning. It's shown the same number for almost a week now which never happens for me...
I'm really scared that it's going to start going up again or that hubby was right the other day when he said that maybe this is the weight I'm meant to be.
I HAVE to get to 145lbs at the most, this journey is not over til I do, that was the impossible goal I set myself and I have to prove to myself now that it's not impossible.
So although I'm scared I'm determined to keep going with my plan as normal and I've promised myself that my usual weekly treat will not be happening until I see a new lower number on the scale.... But did I tell you I was scared? I don't want 146.5lbs to be the end... or the start or an upward trend.

Tuesday, 9 November 2010

I Want Off This Rollercoaster

Last Thur I saw a number on the scale which put me in shock, 10st 5.5lbs/145.5lbs, only 0.5lbs away from my original goal I set myself just over 15 months ago. I just couldn't believe I was so close, then Friday I was back up to 146.5lbs and that's where I've stayed everyday since...
Granted I didn't have a great weekend, socialising and no exercise because I was still sick from the cold, but still. Yesterday however I went back to my usual double class at the gym and ate totally on plan. I was really sure that this morning I'd see a lower number on the scale but nope, same again...
I looked back at my weigh in records from about a month ago and it's looking like I could be coming up to the time when the scale usually starts bouncing for a week or so, before dropping again and taking another pound or two with it, but I'm not sure. I know it's a pattern that I seem to have found and that as long as I keep to my plan it will all work out in the long run, but still, it's driving me mad!!!
This fight I'm having with my scale really needs to stop. I still want to go back to weekly weigh ins only but there never seems to be a good time to do it. Right now I probably should do it so that the bouncing doesn't push me over the edge, but then again I'm scared that if I don't keep an eye on it it might bounce up and up even though I've not changed anything. I know it doesn't make sense, but I have this irrational fear that if I don't keep an eye on those scales they're going to revolt on me and start showing me higher numbers each weigh in, until I'm right back at 274lbs....
This pattern feels like I'm getting on a rollercoaster each month. There's the slow climb on the scale for several days/a week, the peak at the very top where my heart is in my mouth and I'm scared to death of what's going to happen next, then there's the sudden steep descent at the other side where I'm clinging on for dear life. I know the adrenaline rush after the descent is amazing, but really I wish I didn't have to get on this same ride each month....

Wednesday, 3 November 2010

Still Here

Was away from Mon-Fri last week and got sick when we came home so the last 10 days or so have been a blur.
While we were away I was actually pretty good with my planned treats, and had two great runs, but getting sick when we came home really threw and spanner in the works. Friday I felt dreadful and am ashamed to say that this lead to a weekend of serious comfort eating (binging). I've learnt over the last 15 months that comfort eating doesn't actually make me feel better and most of the time I have it under control, but this information seemed to conveniently disappear as soon as I got sick. All that was in my head was "I want a nice cup of coffee and some biscuits (cookies), they'll make me feel better", they didn't, so I tried something else. By Sunday night I'd tried most of the old favourites and although the tastes were just as good as I remembered, none of them actually made me feel better....
So on Monday I forced myself to get back on plan and went to the gym for my usual two classes. I really struggled through them both with my breathing etc but made it by doing them lower impact. Yesterday I went for a gym workout but gave up after struggling to just do an incline walk on the treadmill and came home.
Today I got on the scale for the first time in several days, hoping I might see a number just a bit above where I was when we went away, having had a couple of good days to repair some damage. Imagine my surprise when I saw it was between 0.5-1.0 lower still! So that really cheered me up. My breathing is also a little better today so I went to step at lunchtime and survived although it was still a struggle. Tomorrow is a gym workout and I should be having another PT session on Friday but when I saw my PT yesterday he said he thought it might be a good idea to cancel this week and rearrange when I'm 100% so as not to waste it, which I think is probably a good thing. I had hoped I'd have recovered enough for it by then, but I still only feel about 50% today and can't see me improving so much in another 48hrs.
The main thing I'm focusing on right now is getting back to feeling 100% so I can ramp up my workouts again, and the thought that I'm now only 2lbs from my original goal weight of 145lbs and a healthy BMI of 24.9 after over 15 years! I know now that this isn't going to be my final goal (I think 135-137 may be) but 15 months ago I couldn't even imagine being 245 let alone 145 or lower....