Sunday, 18 July 2010

Overwhelmed & Panicking

After trying the new Body Tone class at the gym last Monday I spent the next 4 days hardly being able to walk lol. It definitely proved to have been a good workout, and glutton for punishment that I am I'm going back tomorrow to give it another go! Then on Friday I had a programme review with one of the instructors at the gym. He is nicknamed the drill sergeant and I would say that that nickname is a bit tame lol. I have NEVER had such a hard workout in my life! I seriously think he was getting great pleasure from seeing my face get redder and redder and the sweat dripping off me. At one point on the stationary bike I really didn't think I could keep going but he just kept pushing me. At the end my whole body ached and felt like jelly, and my heart rate was the highest it's been since more or less when I started this journey. I really don't know if I could do it all again without him there by my side pushing me, but I will give it a try. One thing he has put on my programme which I didn't have time to actually try was a quicker treadmill run. Over the months I've worked up and can now do 6k on the treadmill at 8kph with no incline. Drill sergeant is expecting me to do 2.4k at 9kph with a 1% incline!!! I have done intervals up to 9kph, but that's only been about 3min intervals, going back down to 8kph for recovery. There is NO way that I can do this then do the rest of the workout he had me do on Friday, so I've decided on Tuesday to go do my warmup, then give the run my best shot, and if that's all I manage so be it. I'll tackle the rest of the workout another day and work up to being able to do it all at some point in the future, or maybe never lol.
Now onto the title of this post. DD's school finishes for the summer holidays on Wed for just over 6 weeks.
I began this journey on the 27th July last year so was only just easing myself into it during the school holiday, and really started to increase the workouts etc after.
Currently I go to the gym Mon-Fri while DD is at school and get my workouts done, then I sometimes go one day on a weekend depending on what we have planned. I find it fairly easy to stick with my eating plan during the week when DD and hubby are both at school and work, but weekends are much harder because when I see them eating some things it's very tempting.
During the 6 weeks break we are also going away for two separate weeks in our caravan, the first one being next week.
SO, by Friday of this coming week I need to have all my usual jobs done at home, my usual workouts, shopping and packing the caravan for a week away. I feel totally overwhelmed, like I've got so much to do and don't know how I'm going to get it all done. I can't say anything to hubby because I know he would say that I should miss a couple of gym sessions if I don't have time for the other things, and that is NOT going to happen lol. So I'm just keeping my mouth shut, gritting my teeth and trying to stay calm although right now I feel totally overwhelmed.
But that leads me onto the panic I'm feeling, and if I'm honest, terror. I am so used to going to the gym at least 5 days a week for at least 45mins, how am I going to cope over the next six weeks when I can't do that? I have the two weeks when we are away when I obviously won't be able to go to the gym at all which is freaking me out lol! I love going to the gym, some days are harder than others, but I feel so strong after my workouts and I get antsy when I don't go for some reason... I'm taking all my running kit on holiday with me and having researched the area we are going to for our first week it seems that, weather permitting, it should be good for me to go for a run every couple of days at least, so that might keep me sane hopefully. I'm also going to research the area for our second week and see how promising that is. Then there are about 10 days when DD is going away with MIL or my mum so I'm planning on having some mammoth gym sessions then. But the other two weeks hubby is going to be working and I've no childcare so I won't be able to go to the gym at all, unless I can go on a night once hubby is home and DD is in bed. I do have various exercise dvd's and the wii fit which I could do if I can convince DD to play in her bedroom for a little while, but I'm never motivated to do them on my own which is why I joined the gym in the first place.
And as for healthy eating, how am I going to stay focused for the next six weeks with two weeks holiday and the other weeks my routine being totally shot to bits?! I've thought about just trying to maintain my weight during this period, but I really don't want to do that. I still have 21lbs to go to my initial goal weight and I need to keep the momentum going if I'm going to get to goal before the end of the year which is my aim. It's like I have an angel and a devil in my head at the moment. The angel is saying, just treat it like normal, find some way to exercise everyday, eat on plan, just have your Friday treat night, or change that night to another if necessary, but no more than one treat night. Then the devil is saying, you're going on holiday for goodness sake, have a good time, you deserve a few treats, and as for the exercise, you deserve a rest!!! See my problem? Any ideas? How can I stop it all from spinning out of control over the next six weeks?

Monday, 12 July 2010

Knew It Wouldn't Last

I knew that last week was going too well lol.
On Friday I went to my first Fitball class. After seeing some of the photos of my legs during my 5k race I realised it's time now after losing 107lbs to start with some serious toning lol. I wore my HRM and was disappointed to find that I burned less than 100 calories during the class, but I really did sweat and it definitely felt like hard work.
Then on Friday night my planned treats were sharing a chinese takeaway with hubby and have a little chocolate. Thing is hubby decided to go over the top and got us a fancy starter as well so I ended up eating far more than I'd planned and was mad at myself straight after.
I did however figure I'd be going to the gym first thing Saturday for a monster workout which would repair some of the damage. What I didn't figure on was the way I felt on Saturday morning when I got up. As soon as I got out of bed I felt like I was going to fall over. I felt horrendously dizzy and nauseous and even when I kept still I felt like my insides were still moving. I felt like I was on a boat on a rough sea and just wanted to get to shore. I decided I'd force some breakfast down me and sit for an hour at home and hope the feeling would pass, then I'd do my JM 30 Day Shred. That never happened either. It took everything I had to get myself dressed and drive to my mum's to collect DD and bring her home. When hubby got home from work he said I looked awful (thanks!) and sent me straight to bed. I stayed there for a couple of hours then forced myself to get up again and ate a sandwich hubby had made me. By this time the nausea had gone but the dizzyness was still the same and I had a flashing in my left eye. I figured I was going to get a migraine but that didn't happen. Then it was dinnertime and because I'd not been in a fit state to decide on dinner in the morning we had nothing ready to make quickly. So hubby and DD voted to get another takeaway, curry this time (I wasn't happy as we hardly ever have takeaways now since I started this journey, but I was in no real fit state to argue). Now I know I could have either not eaten anything or just put a measured portion on my plate and dealt with it but no, what did I do, I pigged out...
So by yesterday morning I was 2.5lbs up on the scale and pretty annoyed with myself. Luckily I was feeling a good bit better, but still didn't trust myself to try to workout so although I got back on plan food wise, I still ended up spending the day on the sofa.
This morning I was happy to see that one of those lbs had gone but I'm still angry with myself. Why do I do this? I know I feel so much happier when I stay on plan, so why do I blow it like this? I think this episode of veering off plan was due to me feeling so ill, and the old excuse I used to use of making myself feel better with food came back to haunt me. I know it was hubby who brought the food in the house and I could have refused it, but I just felt too weak physically and mentally at the time. Somethine else I guess I need to be more aware of in future. Plus it's made me see I need to stock the cupboards and freezer with more things that I or hubby can prepare quickly in this situation.
Anyway, I tried another new class this morning, Body Tone, which is the class right before my usual Step class. Even if I hadn't used my HRM I'd have known that this was a much harder class. There was an aerobic warmup and the whole class kept my heart rate much higher than the Fitball one. At the end my legs were like jelly and I really wasn't sure for the first 10mins of my Step class whether I'd be able to get through that as well lol. I made it though and tonight am feeling satisfyingly tired and achey and feel that I've at least gone a tiny bit of the way to making up for the weekend. I'm not sure if I will stick with the Fitball classes as, although I could feel the muscles I'd worked all weekend, it just didn't seem to do it for me if you know what I mean lol, but if I have the time I'm definitely going to try to do the Body Tone followed by Step on a Monday from now on. It's a great workout after the weekend, as Sunday is my usual rest day anyway, and hopefully I might start to see results.
I'm also in the process of trying to get my gym programme revamped. I've realised this past few weeks that apart from my treadmill runs, I'm totally bored with the rest of my gym circuit and need a change. It's got to the point where I don't want to go on a Tue and Thur which are my gym circuit days, so it's time for a change. I need to catch one of the instructors who they nickname the drill sergeant and arrange an appointment with him so he can hopefully sort me out a new routine which will excite and challenge me again, but I think I need to make sure I can still walk tomorrow and the next day after today's two classes lol.

Wednesday, 7 July 2010

Things Are Going Really Well

So while I wait for it all to fall apart around my ears I'm trying to make the most of it lol.
After my 5k race on Saturday we went out for a celebratory lunch and I had my planned treats and really enjoyed them. The rest of the day I was absolutely shattered though, I think partly from the race but also partly due to the state I'd got myself into in the build up to it. The best thing though was that I got straight back on plan later in the day instead of "treating myself" for the rest of the day or even into Sunday like I have been doing, and it's the first weekend in well over a month I think that the scale hasn't shot up only for me to have to work like mad to get it back down again during the week. I also had the best night's sleep on Saturday night I've had in ages lol.
Sunday I had a rest day but Monday I was back in the gym for my step class, yesterday was a mammoth gym workout including a 6k treadmill run, and I've just got back from THE best step class I've had in ages. I love our instructor and the music she chooses is fab, although I sweat buckets while doing the routine I LOVE how motivating the beat is.
I also saw a new stone on the scales this morning, one I don't remember seeing in a LONG time. I really feel like I'm actually getting to where I want to be, and that goal isn't an immeasurable distance in the future. I think if I keep focused and make sure the weekend pig outs don't return I can actually get there before the end of the year! And I think I'm getting close to needing to go down another size in clothes, to a UK14!!!! I have a whole suitcase up in our loft full of 14's from at least 10 years ago I think, most of which have been hardly worn and thankfully aren't outdated, so I think that will have to come down soon for me to have a trying on session and see how close I am.
My leg is also feeling a little better. I've kept icing it and doing some stretching and a few of the strengthening exercises the physio gave me, and yesterday when I did my treadmill run I tried to lengthen my stride like he suggested and the discomfort didn't seem as bad as normal. Then today I went in the gym before my step class and did the stretches and one set of the strengthening exercises and they really felt to warm it up nicely and now a couple of hours after my step class it doesn't feel bad at all. I'm seeing him again in the morning for a gait analysis and hoping it goes well, and that if I carry on doing as I'm told the worst might be over. I'm still a bit upset I can't sign up for a 10k yet, but we'll see how the next couple of weeks go and hope it's not going to be too long before I can increase my distance again. I know the main thing is to get this injury sorted and ensure it doesn't happen again, and I need to remember that a week ago I thought I might have to stop running altogether for a while, so should think myself lucky.
I'm also going to try a new toning class on Friday, Fitball! Been wanting to try some new classes for a while but was a scaredy cat and also wanted to concentrate on the running til the race, but now I think the time's now come to find a toning class to add into the mix and this one fits in with my timetable. I'm nervous of what to expect but the girls I've spoken to who do it say it's really good, so I just hope I don't fall off the ball too many times and make a complete fool of myself lol.

Saturday, 3 July 2010

I Did It!!!!

Today I ran my first 5k race and am still in a bit of a daze I think!
Last night I was really tired so went to bed early in the hope of getting at least a little sleep. Managed to sleep til 2.45am then just dozed til 6am when I decided enough was enough and got up. Had my usual pre-run breakfast, sliced banana and yoghurt and caffeine fix, and distracted myself by watching tv for a while. Once I started getting ready though the nerves really kicked in.
Hubby drove me down an hour before the start time so I could get my bearings, then he went to collect DD and my mum. It was at that point I felt lonely. Everyone seemed to have somebody with them and they were laughing and having fun and I didn't want to be on my own. After a while I met up with some people I know and felt a little better. They asked if I wanted to do the course with them, but they were all walking and even though I know I'd have had fun with them I had to try to achieve my goal. Then I saw hubby, DD, my mum and even my step-dad so that cheered me up a bit more.
When the time came to line up at the start I fell in with the joggers and tried to get to one side. Once the horn went to start the race I knew there was no turning back lol. I was conscious of thinking I had to keep a steady pace and I felt to be running really slowly, but when I looked at Bob for the first time I was actually doing a 6.54k pace when my usual pace is 7.30. I did think about slowing down, but decided just to try to push myself and see how I managed. It wasn't til I'd run the first 1k that I realised I didn't have my ipod on lol. I frantically struggled to get my earphones in and switch it on as I ran, but for once I didn't seem to need the music to motivate me, I was running on pure adrenaline I think.
At one point the sun was really hot and I could feel myself tiring but I just pushed on and soon the clouds appeared again and the breeze gave me a bit of relief.
One other difficulty I had was due to the fact that this race had runners, joggers and walkers. The announcers at the beginning had asked anyone walking or taking a walk break to move to the left to let others pass them, but people didn't seem to be taking any notice so I had to weave in and out to pass people a lot.
It wasn't until I reached the last 1/2k that I realised I was so close to the end and decided to go for it and speed up. As I was running along the home straight I had my day made by seeing my gym instructor on the sidelines waving and cheering me on! I know she was probably there to cheer others friends on, but the fact that she saw me running so well right at the end and cheered me on made it really special for me. It made it all seem a bit more real for me because it's through going to the gym and her encouragement that I've got to this point.
When I crossed the finish line I stopped Bob, went to get my medal, goody bag and water and headed to the meeting point. As I'd crossed the finish line the race clock had said 32.10, but I was even happier when I looked at Bob to see I'd done it in 31.49. However it turned out that the course had only been 4.51k which made me feel as if I hadn't really done the job I'd set out to do. But I felt like I could have run a lot further, not just another 1/2k, so I did some quick calculations and based on my average pace worked out that my time would have been 35.15 for 5k which still smashed my 40min goal!
Hubby and family then appeared with a bottle of pink sparkly wine to toast my success, and then it was time to head back to the car.
When we got home I plugged Bob in who was happy to report that my average page was 7.03 which confirmed the 35.15 5k. Not surprising my heart rate during the race was higher than normal, but who cares lol. I did it!
Overall this was a great experience. I was disappointed that the atmosphere wasn't as good as I'd hoped, but that was maybe due to me feeling nervous and lonely, and I wish it had of been a full 5k. But the main thing is I ran my first race, achieved my goal of running the whole way and smashed my goal of an under 40min finish!!!
And I think this race officially made me a runner because if the physio hadn't told me on Thursday that I shouldn't increase my running distance past the 6k I'm doing regularly til we get this tendonitis sorted, I'd have come straight up and found a 10k to sign up for in a few months!

Friday, 2 July 2010

Less Than 24Hrs!

This time tomorrow I'm going to be waiting with hundreds of other women for the start of my first 5k Race!
I can't believe how quick it seems to have come around, and now that it's here I'm SO SCARED! I think part of it is because I'm doing it on my own. I know several other ladies who are doing it, but they are all walking and I'm running. In a way I wish I'd been able to do it with someone, but then again this is a very personal thing for me so I'm probably going to be better off on my own.
The Race is to raise money for Cancer Research and whilst I'm really pleased with the amount I've raised, my main reason for signing up for the Race in the first place was to challenge myself and as a milestone to remember in this weight loss journey.
Only 11 months ago I could barely walk a kilometre without being exhausted, crippled with backache, aching feet and legs. In January when I started running on the treadmill at the gym I could barely manage three x 60sec runs without feeling like I was going to die. And now I regularly run 6k non-stop. When I run I feel SO strong, like I can do anything that I put my mind to, because I know how far I've come to where I am now, and that amazes me....
I am worried about the Race because I've got it into my head that I want to run the whole thing and finish in under 40mins. I do this easily on the treadmill and have done it several times outside as well, but I'm worried that if the weather is hot that will affect me, and not knowing what the crowd is going to be like I'm scared I won't be able to get a steady pace going which will affect my time. Others keep telling me it's the fact I'm doing it that matters and I should be proud of myself whatever happens, and I know they're right, but I still can't stop wanting to achieve these two goals and I know I will feel disappointed with myself if I don't manage them.
I've spent the last couple of days getting everything ready for the morning, music on my Ipod, charging Bob so he can tell me if I'm doing ok, staring at my bib etc. Whilst doing this I keep filling up with tears because I just still find it so hard to comprehend that this is me now, that I'm a runner and I'm about to do my first Race. When I went to see the physio yesterday he treat me like an athlete and it's just so foreign to me. Inside sometimes I still feel like the same morbidly obese, extremely depressed and unhappy, terribly unfit person, then I realise she's gone. If I'd lost this weight by changing my eating alone I could see me going back, but by joining the gym I feel like I've completely changed my future forever. I cannot imagine ever not exercising now. Before I saw the physio and thought he may tell me I had to stop running or even exercising altogether for a while I was absolutely panic stricken. My run yesterday morning before physio, the whole time I just kept thinking, I love this, I love running, please don't make me have to stop and I felt sad at the end because I was scared it would be my last run for a while. I was SO happy when he told me I could carry on as normal as long as things don't get any worse, and I'm going to do everything in my power to make sure that they don't.
I know that I'm going to do a lot of crying tomorrow morning, before, during and after the race probably. Seeing all the other women when I get there and reading the messages on their back signs is going to be humbling. I have songs on my playlist that have helped get me to where I am now, and every step that I take is going to move me closer to another milestone in this journey. Seeing my loved ones cheering me on from the sidelines and being there to hug me and congratulate me when I finish is going to be wonderful, because I know I've also amazed them with how far I've come, and I want to show them how strong I am now and what I can achieve.
And if I manage to achieve my two goals of running the whole way and in under 40mins, then that will be the icing on the cake.....