This time tomorrow I'm going to be waiting with hundreds of other women for the start of my first 5k Race!
I can't believe how quick it seems to have come around, and now that it's here I'm SO SCARED! I think part of it is because I'm doing it on my own. I know several other ladies who are doing it, but they are all walking and I'm running. In a way I wish I'd been able to do it with someone, but then again this is a very personal thing for me so I'm probably going to be better off on my own.
The Race is to raise money for Cancer Research and whilst I'm really pleased with the amount I've raised, my main reason for signing up for the Race in the first place was to challenge myself and as a milestone to remember in this weight loss journey.
Only 11 months ago I could barely walk a kilometre without being exhausted, crippled with backache, aching feet and legs. In January when I started running on the treadmill at the gym I could barely manage three x 60sec runs without feeling like I was going to die. And now I regularly run 6k non-stop. When I run I feel SO strong, like I can do anything that I put my mind to, because I know how far I've come to where I am now, and that amazes me....
I am worried about the Race because I've got it into my head that I want to run the whole thing and finish in under 40mins. I do this easily on the treadmill and have done it several times outside as well, but I'm worried that if the weather is hot that will affect me, and not knowing what the crowd is going to be like I'm scared I won't be able to get a steady pace going which will affect my time. Others keep telling me it's the fact I'm doing it that matters and I should be proud of myself whatever happens, and I know they're right, but I still can't stop wanting to achieve these two goals and I know I will feel disappointed with myself if I don't manage them.
I've spent the last couple of days getting everything ready for the morning, music on my Ipod, charging Bob so he can tell me if I'm doing ok, staring at my bib etc. Whilst doing this I keep filling up with tears because I just still find it so hard to comprehend that this is me now, that I'm a runner and I'm about to do my first Race. When I went to see the physio yesterday he treat me like an athlete and it's just so foreign to me. Inside sometimes I still feel like the same morbidly obese, extremely depressed and unhappy, terribly unfit person, then I realise she's gone. If I'd lost this weight by changing my eating alone I could see me going back, but by joining the gym I feel like I've completely changed my future forever. I cannot imagine ever not exercising now. Before I saw the physio and thought he may tell me I had to stop running or even exercising altogether for a while I was absolutely panic stricken. My run yesterday morning before physio, the whole time I just kept thinking, I love this, I love running, please don't make me have to stop and I felt sad at the end because I was scared it would be my last run for a while. I was SO happy when he told me I could carry on as normal as long as things don't get any worse, and I'm going to do everything in my power to make sure that they don't.
I know that I'm going to do a lot of crying tomorrow morning, before, during and after the race probably. Seeing all the other women when I get there and reading the messages on their back signs is going to be humbling. I have songs on my playlist that have helped get me to where I am now, and every step that I take is going to move me closer to another milestone in this journey. Seeing my loved ones cheering me on from the sidelines and being there to hug me and congratulate me when I finish is going to be wonderful, because I know I've also amazed them with how far I've come, and I want to show them how strong I am now and what I can achieve.
And if I manage to achieve my two goals of running the whole way and in under 40mins, then that will be the icing on the cake.....