Thursday, 26 May 2011

Before & After Pics

I've been feeling so down this last month or so, I'm really struggling to just get through the day and I know I'm in the grip of depression again because I don't want to do any of the things I usually love doing, like going to the gym, socialising and stitching etc.
I'm now on Day 18 of no binging but it's not getting any easier and to be honest the last couple of days have been harder than ever. I've forced myself to go to the gym each day this week and worked out hard because I know it makes me feel better to release some of the stress, but it seems as soon as I come home and back to reality I sink straight back down to rock bottom. The nights are the worse for the binge urges, and weekends when DH and DD are both home, but right now I'm just trying to take it hour by hour as I can't even think of managing a full day.
I feel very sorry for my DH and DD as they are having to deal with me being so down and not interested in anything, plus I'm very irritable and tearful and they're getting the brunt of it. I do have the odd spell each day when I feel a bit brighter just for a few minutes, and I'm working on trying to extend those spells somehow. I've also been making myself sit down and do my cross stitch on a night, even if only for half an hour, as it helps me relax and takes my mind off things a bit.
I know that the events over the last 4/6 weeks have contributed massively to how I'm feeling, and so I keep putting off going to the doctors because I really don't want medication. I'm not saying I'm against it, I've been treated for depression several times since my teens following events in my childhood which will stick with me for the rest of my life, and when I've had medication it has helped for a while, but I always seem to end up with different problems than what I started with, which isn't really my aim. The counselling I had a couple of years ago was the most helpful, but I'd have to go on a waiting list again I think. Anyway, for now I'm working on the assumption that if I can get through the next couple of weeks and get things turned around at home with all the problems we're having then hopefully my mood might start to improve and the need for a visit to the doctor might lessen.
SO, as a way of trying to reiterate to myself how far I've come in the last almost 2 years and how much better off I am really even with my current problems, I went looking for before and after photos!
The before photos are all from around 2/3 years ago when I was at my heaviest.

And here are some after photos from the last few months! The first is me inside one leg of the jogging pants that I used to live in and were tight back then. That is the only outfit I have kept from my heaviest, it took me a long time to part with my big clothes but I knew it needed to be done. This one outfit though is to always remind me of where I came from...

I'm also desparately in need of a haircut, I always HATED going to the hairdressers because I hated having to look at myself in the mirror the whole time and couldn't stop focusing on my double chins. Even now I'm still nervous of going, but I've been thinking more and more lately about having a complete restyle in the hope that that will help give me a boost. So DD and I are booked in with my hairdresser next Wednesday and I'm going to speak to him then and see what he thinks might work. So watch this space!

Tuesday, 17 May 2011

I'm Back

Well, I didn't really go anywhere, just not posted for ages.
I sort of felt like I've been talking to myself mostly the whole time I've had this blog, and kept thinking why am I posting if no-one is interested. Then when I got to goal I sort of felt like I didn't have anything to write about in maintenance.
BUT, I've learnt since hitting goal in January that maintenance is just another part of the journey, and if I'm going to be successful at keeping the weight off long term I still have a LOT of work to do and demons to deal with.
So I'm back and even though some posts may be very short, some long, the plan is to start posting regularly about how I'm dealing with maintenance and overcoming my binge eating disorder... There, I said it, I have binge eating disorder.... I've had it since some traumatic events in my teens and since then have dealt with my depression and anxiety by binge eating to numb the pain. While losing over 140lbs I thought I'd got it completely under control, like I was cured and would never binge again. But this last few months the binge monster is back with a vengeance. I'm managing to maintain my weight because the binges are counteracted by eating healthy and exercising a lot at other times, but I know I can't go on like this because they leave me so sad and disgusted with myself afterwards.
So a week last Monday I began with Day 1 of no binging and so far we're good to go. Onto Day 9 today and although the events of the last few weeks could quite easily have sent me into a complete tailspin (we've had lots of unexpected expenses, money we don't have, we had to put our cat to sleep last Wed and DD and I are grieving terribly, and then we were in a car accident on Saturday which although not our fault is causing lots of stress arranging hire cars and repairs etc), I've used them as a way to challenge myself and prove to myself I can deal with high stress and anxiety without binging, I CAN get through it.