Sunday, 26 December 2010

I Think I'm Learning Maintenance!

Since my last post I'm feeling different. I guess because the scared feeling I had has gone. Although the pms is still there and the cravings have been bad for the last few days I've felt in total control of my food and exercise choices and it feels great.
My plan going into the christmas break was to enjoy the foods I knew I would be having, but to only have a small portion of each and to not go back for seconds. So far I've done that and even better, some of the things I had planned to have I didn't end up having at all, although I'll maybe have some of them at some point over the break.
I tried to remember to savour every bite although I did find that hard, but when I considered going back for more of something I just told myself no, and that one portion was enough, and it worked.
Another problem I usually have is that as soon as my routine changes I forget to drink my water. Silly I know, but go figure. So I vowed to try to keep the water intake up and so far I'm not doing too bad. Not as high as normal, but still loads better.
I was supposed to be going to the gym this morning, but hubby was on call til 8am this morning and ended up working 14hrs overnight, so didn't actually get to sleep til 8am. This morning I thought that that was my workout out the window, but when hubby got up at lunchtime he told me if I wanted to go to the gym to go and he'd just watch and film and cuddle on the sofa with Erin. As TOM is due anyday and I know that the first day I always really struggle with horrendous cramps and tiredness I decided that I would go today in case tomorrow is the day, and then I don't have to feel guilty if I really don't feel up to going. So off I took myself to the gym after lunch, did a 5-6min warm up, then ran for an hour on the treadmill at a steady pace, before doing some arm and ab exercises. And now I'm home and tidied and feel great, tired, but happy tired, and all is right with the world lol.
I was 1lb up on the scale this morning from Christmas Eve, but I'm actually fine with that. It could be food, it would be water, it could be TOM, but seriously, it could be a LOT worse, and has been in so many years past when I've just let myself loose on the food and dealt with the consequences in the New Year. Last year I did well, but this year it feels different. Although I still want to lose a few more pounds before I call it goal, this year it feels like I'm learning what maintenance is going to be like. Realising that I can never go back to the way I used to eat or the lack of exercise. But if I am just mindful of what and how much food I put in my mouth and what I do with my body then I can still have foods I like, AND keep the body I'm loving more with each day...

Wednesday, 22 December 2010


I should be ecstatic. In the last few days I've been seeing numbers on the scale that I NEVER thought I'd see. Under 140 numbers, 137.5 Monday and today in fact, truly amazing to me.
But I'm scared....
Because this last few days I've also not been eating great. At the weekend we had some pre-christmas family celebrations to attend. The meals were completely out of my control so I had decided beforehand to eat healthy the rest of each day and just have small portions at the meals. Saturday night I ate the main course but afterwards I just felt like I wasn't done, felt empty inside still. The dessert was a selection of dutch biscuits, just perfect for this girl's sweet tooth. I ended up having one of each... I tried to make a point to savour each bite, but thinking back I can't remember a lot of it. I also had a couple glasses of mulled wine.
Sunday morning came and I felt bad and was really tempted to say yes to the very unhealthy breakfast that was offered, but I asked for a healthy breakfast instead and went on my way. The Sunday meal came and again I just couldn't seem to get full. I did have lots of vegetables on my plate, but I know they will probably have been cooked with butter... Then even though I had promised myself after Saturday that I wouldn't have a dessert, I did... Now because I'd ended up eating so much at lunch I wasn't hungry so didn't end up eating anything else again Sunday.
Monday was back on plan, and I felt good. But yesterday I struggled again. DH and DD bought me an advent calendar with a choc behind each window. I've not been having one a day but rather have maybe had three or four on a weekend evening, and then let DH or DD have the others. But they've been piling up the last week or so and are right in my path when coming in or out of our lounge. Yesterday, just while preparing dinner, I think I ate maybe 5 of those chocs before I came to my senses and stopped...
Today WILL be totally on plan, I'm determined, and tomorrow, but come Xmas Eve things are going to get hard again. I have fully planned and prepared myself that I will be eating things over the next week or so that I haven't had in a long time, some through choice, some not, and I'm scared. Scared that I'm not going to be able to stick to the small portions of only the things I love and savour every bite. Scared that the one portion of each item I have planned is not going to be enough and that I'm going to still want the rest that is left in the house. Scared that seeing DH and DD eating those leftovers is going to make my inner child have a tantrum and say "it's not fair, I want some". Scared that I'm going to completely lose control and wake up on the 1st Jan with a huge weight gain...
I've fought so hard over the last 17 months to get where I am today. I don't remember ever being this weight my whole adult life, and I love the way I feel about myself now even though my body is not how I hoped it would end up. But I also know that those food cravings are still there just beneath the surface and always will be, and those binges that got me to 274lbs in the first place could start again just like the flicking of a switch. I know I will always have issues with food, always. I am a comfort eater and learnt to eat to block out any bad feelings I had, and I still want to do that on a regular basis, I just don't.
I'm scared that the fog is going to descend on Xmas Eve and I won't be able to fight back...

Thursday, 16 December 2010

I HAVE To Stop Weighing Daily

I really have to stop weighing daily, it's driving me mad. I've weighed daily now for several months, and as long as it's stable or going down then I'm ok, stable days are stable days mood wise, going down days are happy days, but bouncing days are the pits, they immediately set my mood for the day and I can't handle it anymore.
I'm mid cycle at the moment which I think from the last two months is a pattern where I bounce up, to several days later drop back down and then lose a little more. But although I think there's a pattern, I'm still not handling it any better, and I'm freaking out which is NOT good. It's like every sensible brain cell leaves the building when this happens and I just can't believe that the weight is going to drop again. I'm certain that it's just going to keep going up and up til I'm back to my heaviest weight and I already feel in my body like I've gained like 20lbs when it's only 1 or 2. The pattern from the last two months has shown me dropping back down a little by now, but this month it doesn't seem to be happening yet so that's freaking me out even more. I KNOW this is not healthy for me or my head but I feel like I'm trapped in this.
I know that over Christmas the scale is bound to bounce because of family celebrations etc, but it doesn't make it any easier knowing. I'd got my lowest weight down to 140lbs and had set myself a new goal to be under 140lbs by Christmas Eve, a number I don't ever remember seeing as an adult. On Monday I was back up to 141.5lbs and now I'm 141.0lbs. I know this is stupid, I know no-one else will see the difference, but I feel it even if it's only in my head.
I really don't know what to do, now the bounce is in place I have to keep weighing daily for now to make sure it goes again, but I know that it's not a healthy place for me to be going in my head. I got on the scales this morning and seriously was so close to tears, as I am now as I write this, and that's not on. I had planned to move back to weekly weighing, on a Friday, like I did the first part of my weight loss journey, once I hit goal, but still not sure exactly where goal is going to be. Right now I'm thinking 135-137lbs maybe, but the thought of going through these head games everyday til I hit those numbers just makes me want to curl up in a ball and cry. I don't want to spend the entire Christmas season feeling depressed because the number isn't exactly what my head says it should be...
I've even considered not going to the gym this morning and just sitting sulking at home, but I know that's not going to help, so I'll force myself and hope a workout at least gets rid of some of the negative emotions that are flying around my head today.