Sunday, 13 March 2011

If Only I Could Realise That Everytime

This week has been hard. The first couple of days after my huge binge last Sunday were ok, Monday I really didn't want to eat I felt so sick and bloated, but come Wednesday the cravings were back. Thankfully I managed to just tell myself NO and kept going. The Binge Free Lent I've put myself on I think has actually helped me so far because I've just been concentrating on one day at a time and seeing that as a mini victory. I told myself on a weekend I can eat more and have some treats, but I CANNOT let it turn into a binge. Eating more than usual doesn't tip me over the edge emotionally, but binging does, and all the old hate and disgust comes flooding back, so I really really want to try to make binging a thing of the past again, like I did during my weight loss.
Friday DH brought home takeaway for dinner. It was planned and I did eat a fair bit, including dessert, but I made sure to enjoy it all, eat slowly, and once it was finished that was it, I stopped eating and didn't allow myself to think about eating anything else.
Yesterday was fairly easy during the day although I did have thoughts of binging, but I ignored them. Come last night though it got tough. DH made us a dessert after DD had gone to bed. It was quite an indulgent one but even as I ate it, it just wasn't giving me the hit I needed. I savoured each mouthful but it just didn't seem sweet, chocolatey, rich, cold, crunchy, smooth, you name it, ENOUGH.... I was already thinking of what I could eat next that would satisfy the craving. I was actually getting really anxious thinking about it, what would do it, which food would calm that anxiety? Then I suddenly thought, nothing is going to do it... If this dessert hadn't satisfied me, nothing would. It had had several different flavours, textures etc, if none of those had worked, no others were likely to. I could spend the rest of the night try to fill the void inside me with different things, hoping to find "the one", but I suddenly knew that it would be in vain. I just knew I wouldn't be able to fill that void and if I kept trying, I'd instead end up feeling sick, bloated and disgusted with myself like I did last weekend.... And so I stopped at that dessert, Day 4 of being binge free successful. If only I could realise this everytime I can feel the urge to binge coming on...

Wednesday, 9 March 2011

Binge Free For Lent

I've been thinking the last few days since my horrendous binge of maybe trying to give up chocolate for Lent, in the hope that if I could go cold turkey with it the cravings would stop and so would the binges. But I quickly remembered that if I say to myself that I can't have a certain item of food at all that just makes me want it more, so ruled that idea out.
BUT, I just had an idea that maybe rather than cut a certain thing out, I could try to be binge free for Lent? 46 days without a binge? I've done much longer than that during my weight loss journey, so I know it's possible, and maybe it would give me the motivation I need to be able to stop this binging cycle that's got a hold of me again....

Sunday, 6 March 2011

Huge Binge Weekend

This weekend has been awful....
Thursday was DH's Birthday which started off the overeating. Friday wasn't too bad, just overate a little again, but come yesterday the huge binge began and it's now 9pm Sunday night and I've just hit the point where I know I can't eat anymore and it's finally over... At first I tried to talk myself out of it, but if I'm honest I really didn't want to, I just wanted to stuff my face constantly. I've avoided reading weight loss blogs all weekend because I didn't want to think about it, I just wanted to eat and forget...
I feel like my stomach is going to burst and sicker than I remember being in such a long time.
Why did I do this? I really don't know, was feeling so good before the weekend, weight had actually hit a new low, if only slightly, and I felt so strong. Had a fab day Thursday out shopping for new clothes, had my nails and eyebrows done, felt amazing, so what happened? I really have no idea... The only thing I can think is that I binged badly this time last month, so maybe it's got something to do with my cycle, maybe not.
I just know I've got to get back on plan straight away, deal with the withdrawal symptoms I know are going to make my life hell for the next few days, and try to figure out a way to stop this happening over and over again like it currently is.