Wednesday, 22 December 2010


I should be ecstatic. In the last few days I've been seeing numbers on the scale that I NEVER thought I'd see. Under 140 numbers, 137.5 Monday and today in fact, truly amazing to me.
But I'm scared....
Because this last few days I've also not been eating great. At the weekend we had some pre-christmas family celebrations to attend. The meals were completely out of my control so I had decided beforehand to eat healthy the rest of each day and just have small portions at the meals. Saturday night I ate the main course but afterwards I just felt like I wasn't done, felt empty inside still. The dessert was a selection of dutch biscuits, just perfect for this girl's sweet tooth. I ended up having one of each... I tried to make a point to savour each bite, but thinking back I can't remember a lot of it. I also had a couple glasses of mulled wine.
Sunday morning came and I felt bad and was really tempted to say yes to the very unhealthy breakfast that was offered, but I asked for a healthy breakfast instead and went on my way. The Sunday meal came and again I just couldn't seem to get full. I did have lots of vegetables on my plate, but I know they will probably have been cooked with butter... Then even though I had promised myself after Saturday that I wouldn't have a dessert, I did... Now because I'd ended up eating so much at lunch I wasn't hungry so didn't end up eating anything else again Sunday.
Monday was back on plan, and I felt good. But yesterday I struggled again. DH and DD bought me an advent calendar with a choc behind each window. I've not been having one a day but rather have maybe had three or four on a weekend evening, and then let DH or DD have the others. But they've been piling up the last week or so and are right in my path when coming in or out of our lounge. Yesterday, just while preparing dinner, I think I ate maybe 5 of those chocs before I came to my senses and stopped...
Today WILL be totally on plan, I'm determined, and tomorrow, but come Xmas Eve things are going to get hard again. I have fully planned and prepared myself that I will be eating things over the next week or so that I haven't had in a long time, some through choice, some not, and I'm scared. Scared that I'm not going to be able to stick to the small portions of only the things I love and savour every bite. Scared that the one portion of each item I have planned is not going to be enough and that I'm going to still want the rest that is left in the house. Scared that seeing DH and DD eating those leftovers is going to make my inner child have a tantrum and say "it's not fair, I want some". Scared that I'm going to completely lose control and wake up on the 1st Jan with a huge weight gain...
I've fought so hard over the last 17 months to get where I am today. I don't remember ever being this weight my whole adult life, and I love the way I feel about myself now even though my body is not how I hoped it would end up. But I also know that those food cravings are still there just beneath the surface and always will be, and those binges that got me to 274lbs in the first place could start again just like the flicking of a switch. I know I will always have issues with food, always. I am a comfort eater and learnt to eat to block out any bad feelings I had, and I still want to do that on a regular basis, I just don't.
I'm scared that the fog is going to descend on Xmas Eve and I won't be able to fight back...

1 comment:

  1. Lisa, it is hard facing the result of all that hard work! For so long you've had this goal dangling infront of you like a carrot, thinking that you'll never get there. So now that its here ... life is scary. Where do you go next, what do you do next? How can you cope because you've been in the frame of loosing weight for so long that now you don't have to anymore what's next? Its a big chasam infront of you now.

    If you are determined you will not gain your weight back! Yes there are going to be moments and days out of your control and your sccuess then is how you dealt with it.

    If you have a little gain, its a little gain, you know what to do to get it back off again! You know what? Gains do happen! I gained about 6-8 lbs in March and it took me until August to get it off again, but I kept trying and didn't give up.

    That's what you need to do! Congratulations for making it to the end!