Thursday, 6 January 2011

Not Good Enough

I've been feeling anxious, upset, tearful and angry for a couple of weeks now and really couldn't work out what was wrong with me.
Earlier I finally broke down in tears and had to take myself away from DH and DD to go cry in the bathroom. Whilst in there I kept asking myself what was wrong, and you know what, the answer came back that I'm just not good enough. This whole weight thing right now is getting to me so much, I know I'm obsessed but I don't know how to stop it. I'm fine when the weight is coming off, but when it stops or I gain I totally freak out, and that affects every other aspect of my life. Because it's not going perfectly to plan, I feel out of control and, useless, a failure. I've known for a lot of years I'm a perfectionist, and although I've tried and tried to change that I can't. If I can't do something perfectly, I either don't do it at all, or I beat myself up over it the whole time.
My housekeeping is far from perfect so I'm a bad housewife and end up sitting in front of the pc when I should be doing stuff because, what's the point, it will never be perfect. DD brought some homework home today which was what finally tipped me over the edge. She's 7 years old and I really had no clue how to help her with it so I told her she'd have to ask her dad to help and then went and broke down. Admittedly he said it was totally unsuitable homework for her age and he struggled to help her as well although we are by no means unintelligent people, but in my head it just proves again that I'm a useless mum.
When the weight is coming off I'm fine, but when it's stuck, like now, I feel useless, like a failure, so why should I keep trying. This weight loss journey is the first really hard thing in my life I've stuck with for this long apart from my marriage and being a mum, and sometimes if I could run away from those as well I would.
I just feel that I'm not good enough and I don't know how to change that. How can I give myself a break and move forward instead of being paralysed whenever this perfectionism rears it's ugly head. Because that's how I feel, paralysed. I have so many emotions that seem to be trapped inside me lately and I don't know how to handle them. I used to bury them with food and now I can no longer do that I don't know what else to do...

1 comment:

  1. Oh Lisa, I wish I could give you a big hug I think you REALLY need one right now.

    Many of us are perfectionists deep down inside and its hard not to be. Yeah I've lost almost all of my weight but my body dosen't look like what I dreamed it would... I imagined looking so hot having awesome legs, but I still have hips and thighs and its taken me a long time to come to the realization that I always will.

    You're almost done your journey and you have to just start to get used to and reconcile with the weeks the scale dosen't move, and the weeks it moves in the wrong direction.

    Over the last two years since I reached my goal weight I have gone as high as 6lbs over goal and low as 2 lbs below goal, your weight will fluctuate and its hard to get used to.

    You need to promise yourself that what the scale says does not dictate your feelings or mood.