Monday, 20 September 2010

Highs and Lows

Friday had been such a good day with my PT session even though I was exhausted by nighttime.
Saturday I had planned on maybe going to an early morning step class at the gym, but when I woke up I felt really sore in my arms, shoulders, chest and front thighs. The worst bit was that when I breathed in deeply my chest hurt and I wondered at first if I was getting sick, but then realised the boxing which I've never done before had probably worked chest muscles I haven't used lol. So I decided that as we were going out for the day later as a family and would be walking a fair bit I would give step a miss. We had a great day out although my eating ended up being totally off plan. We went to a fair which we went to 5yrs ago and DH remembered a pic he had taken of DD and I back then, so he decided he wanted to recreate it. I vaguely remembered the pic but it wasn't til we got home and I started going through folders of old photos that I realised how far I've come in this last 14 months. Want a look?

I really couldn't believe there was so much difference and still don't feel inside my head and body like I am so much different, even if the pictures and mirror say so.
Yesterday although I got back on plan I didn't end up working out as I felt really down and tearful all day. I didn't weigh in but had lots of potty breaks during the day and then overnight, so I really expected the scale to show approx the same number it did on Saturday. No such luck, I'm 2lbs up this morning, so 2.5lbs from the lowest I've seen which was Wed or Thur I think. I really can't believe it, I could have thrown the scales out of the bathroom window and then had a good cry. I really don't understand why the number is going up instead of down. I know Saturday wasn't good, but I was perfect yesterday.... Even as I type this I'm struggling not to break down and cry. It's days like this (that I haven't had in a while) where I see the number going up instead of down and I begin to panic that my good luck in losing all this weight has run out and it's all going to start going back on again and there's nothing I can do about it. Realistically I know it isn't good luck and that it's taken hard work to get where I am, but the scared girl inside is terrified that it's all going wrong. I CAN'T go back to where I was, my life was a total mess and I hated myself and was close to a breakdown. This past few months I'm finally learning to love myself, faults and all, and working out how I tick, and I need this to carry on. I need to finish what I started 14 months ago and then continue my journey to maintenance. I'm SO close, yet today it feels like I'll never get there...
Today I just want to go to bed, cry myself to sleep and wake up when this is over. Instead I'm going to go run some errands soon, then go to the gym for my Bodytone and Step classes. I know that I'll probably feel like crying the whole time, but what's the alternative, give in and know that I didn't even fight to keep the girl in that second photo. She's too good not to fight for....

P.S. Just got back from my classes. NOT good, Bodytone was fine but Step was a disaster. Couldn't get the steps right and ended up in tears in the middle of the class. I think only one person noticed, a friend who was concerned, but I couldn't get out of there quick enough today. I really don't know what's wrong with me, I'm so down this past couple of days, and it's not pms. I just feel that everything is out of control.

1 comment:

  1. what a difference, great work! I like to see how far I have come and usually I see them in pictures.