Saturday, 12 June 2010

Really Down Today

I had a great week up to last night with the healthy eating and exercise. Lost another 2.5lbs this week to take me to 99.5lbs. Only half a pound to go and I hit three milestones in one fell swoop, but will wait til that happens before I expand on it.
Others may disagree with my plan, but throughout this ten and a half month journey Friday night has been my treat night. It's not off plan because my plan incorporates Friday as my treat night. Hubby and I have whatever we want for dinner, so we may go to eat out or have a takeaway, or I may cook something a little higher cal/fat than normal, and we have a dessert or a little choc later. I've done this for ten and a half months and have lost on average 2lbs per week. It works for me because I can quiet down the cravings all week by telling them "just wait til Friday night, you can have it then". Then when it comes to Friday I just decide what it is I want most out of all the things that I've been craving. So out of maybe 20 cravings in a week, I get to indulge a couple of them on a Friday night, and it seems to do the trick.
Emotionally though I've been a mess this week. I've had severe PMS and have felt anxious, angry, down, tearful, you name it. I've felt like I wanted to cry all week but just couldn't....
This morning I had planned to get up early and go to the gym, but last night when we went to bed I never even set my alarm. Lately I've been waking up early each morning so part of me figured I'd wake up in my own time and just go then. I hadn't got my gym bag or clothes ready though... Then this morning when I woke up, I looked at the time, turned over and went straight back to sleep... I really just couldn't be bothered. I have to get up early 5 days a week to get DD ready and to school, then on a Saturday it's usually early to the gym before picking her up from grandma where she stays most Friday's, and Sunday she is up early so I hardly ever get to wake up and go back to sleep and doze for a couple of hours like I used to. Usually that doesn't bother me, it's become a habit and I just do it, but today I just couldn't....
We'd said we'd take DD swimming today so when I did get up I had breakfast and started getting our swimming gear ready. I couldn't find DD's costume and I don't know why, but I got into a total state, felt really anxious and ended up sat on the bed sobbing. I wasn't even crying for the lost costume. I was crying the tears that I'd wanted to cry all week. I was crying because I'd made a choice not to go to the gym this morning and although the lie in was great, I was angry with myself because I'd not done my workout. I was crying because even after 99.5lbs lost and ten and a half months of going to the gym on average 6 times a week, I still can't give myself a break unless I stick exactly to my plan and achieve all the goals I set myself. My perfectionism rearing it's ugly head yet again... I realised then that I was also crying because I'm scared of what's going to happen once I do reach my goal... For ten and a half months this has been my main focus and it probably will be for another six months or more, but what then? I've been morbidly obese for so long, probably about 13 years, I'm not sure what to expect from my life once I get to goal.... There are lots of things in that statement that I really can't voice right now, and don't know if I'll ever be able to, they're things that I'm scared to even think about...
But what can I do? What other choice do I have? Being here is better than being where I was, so I just have to keep going and try to be a little less hard on myself. I have to trust that I'll find a way to make sense of where the rest of my life is meant to go, I just need to take it one day at a time....
So even though I wanted to get back in my bed and cry myself to sleep, and stay there for the rest of the day, I found DD's costume, packed our bag and we went swimming. The pool was quiet so I actually attempted a bit of backstroke, which I haven't done in maybe 20 years. Wow, I was out of breath and had jelly legs and arms after that!
And even though I still want to go to bed and cry myself to sleep, instead I'm about to go make a healthy dinner for my family....


  1. oh Lisa, I feel your pain, i too get hard on myself and when the loses aren't there I feel like a complete failure. To help this I look at my before pictures, read blogs for inspiration and some how I just keep going, because the alternative is just not possilble.
    Does you workout always have to be at the gym, could you maybe go for a walk instead in the afternoon or throw in a workout dvd. I find sometimes when I can't fit a run in a quick workout makes me feel better and I still have done something.
    Chin up girl, you have done amazing and this is just a little bump in the road.

  2. Hang in there Lisa. I know about perfectionism, it's a nasty creature. But as upset as you were about not going to the gym, well look at how you handled it! By going swimming with your daughter and having a healthy meal with your family. We're going to have bad days, we're going to do things that we beat ourselves up for, that is just a fact of's how we handle it that is the most important part. And it sounds like you handled it great! You should be proud of yourself!