Monday, 28 June 2010

What's Wrong With Me?

I seem to have hit a wall...
For the last few weeks my Friday night treat night has turned into a full on eating fest that has carried on into Saturday, and by bedtime on a Saturday I've felt totally fat and bloated, and sick to my stomach. Last week I swore that I wouldn't let it happen again this week... I enjoyed my treats on Friday night and on Saturday morning I was determined it was going to be an on plan day. Well, that lasted til lunchtime and I blew it again, and carried on pigging out til bedtime...
I did get back on plan yesterday morning and went for a good workout at the gym, and I feel back in control again, but these 36hr binges have got to stop....
I managed to still lose 1lb last week which I was very lucky to do, but I can't keep doing it and get away with it, I know that. I've still got 27lbs to lose to get to goal from last Friday's weight, so I can't start acting like the weekends are a free for all. Even if I was on maintenance I still shouldn't be stuffing my face like I am. Relaxing a little at weekends is one thing, but all out binges are not the way to go. On Saturday I was 2lbs up from Friday, and yesterday I was another 1.5lbs up! I'm back down the 1.5lbs this morning, but that means I need to lose the other 2lbs by Friday just to maintain this week.
I started off typing that I wished I knew why I was doing it, but as I thought about it some more I had a very scary revelation. I know why I'm doing it.... Only 11 months ago binging was my way of burying the pain I was feeling in every aspect of my life. Whilst I was eating I could forget the pain and just enjoy the tastes of the food. These binges also usually involved sitting watching mindless tv programmes so that was another way to distract me from the pain.
For the last 10 months I've been so focused on this journey, and I've felt so much better about my life. Don't get me wrong, things have improved massively, but I've realised just this past couple of weeks that getting to my goal weight is not going to solve all of my problems, and it's actually emphasised a couple of them, major ones at that... Those binges on a Friday night and Saturday are my way of burying the negative emotions I'm feeling again, but for now at least I feel even more negative emotions as a result of the binges, which means I can get back in control pretty quick. Wow, when I finished seeing a therapist at the beginning of the year he told me that I had now become my own therapist, who knew he was actually right?
I don't know whether knowing why I'm binging on a weekend is going to help, but I'm hoping that being mindful at the time may help. My goal is to not have a binge this weekend. We are going out for celebratory lunch on Saturday after I've done my first 5k race, so the plan is not to have Friday night as my treat night this week, enjoy my lunch on Saturday and get straight back on track the next meal, not the next day or the day after.
I just hope I can turn this around...


  1. wow, can i relate!! i fall off my "plan" on the wknds and then beat myself up about it. we need to accept our mistakes, forgive ourselves then move on.

    your comment didn't sound good...have you been looked at yet by a doctor? don't push it!! my first thought was that i was going to gain weight by not running but everyone has me excited about how great of a workout swimming is. so you can always find something while you're healing.

  2. You can do this Lisa! You are strong,you know what you want...and you know what you don't want. Kick some butt at your 5k race and enjoy every minute of it! Good luck!
    S :-)