Friday, 18 February 2011

Challenging Myself

Weigh in day for me today and I'm another 1lb up... I did expect it really, after the binging last weekend I've felt bloated all week so it wasn't a huge surprise, although I am disappointed.
I have now moved over to using my new scales permanently so my goal weight of 137lbs on my old scales is actually 136lbs on the new ones. I've been weighing on both scales for several weeks but it seems silly doing that now, so am just going to use the new ones and as long as I stay at 136lbs or lower I'll be happy. If I go over that then it's back into weight loss mode til it's down again. Last week I was 133.8 and today I'm 134.8 so still under goal which I'll take. Ideally I'd like to get to and stay around the 131lb mark, but first of all I have to get these binges under control.
Which leads me onto this coming weekend. I've managed to get mostly back on track this last few days and am feeling better for it, but in my head I've been dreading the weekend coming around again because I'm scared of what might happen. We have two meals with family and friends planned this weekend, a friend is coming round tonight and bringing an indian meal and on Sunday we're going out for a cantonese buffet to celebrate my mum's Birthday which is on Tuesday. There is also a possibility we'll be going out for lunch on my mum's birthday as well. Now this past few weekends I've taken the cue and let myself loose on a Friday evening and not stopped eating til Sunday night, and as a result I've felt so disgusted with myself. For my sanity I know that this weekend is going to be a huge challenge for me, but one I really need to face, I have to get through the weekend without a binge...
Yesterday I met my mum for coffee in town and she got a pack of two biscuits, one of which she offered me and I ate. At the time I REALLY wanted it, I'd been feeling a bit off all morning and it actually helped settle my stomach, but afterwards I was frustrated with myself because I hadn't planned it. For me the worst bit of binging is that I can feel so strong one second and can refuse anything, then it's like a switch flicks in my brain and I can't seem to physically stop myself from eating, it's like a compulsion. Eating that biscuit on the spur of the moment is how it goes, but on a weekend I can't then seem to stop. So I've really been thinking things through and decided that I'm going to take it one step at a time, it might even have to be one hour at a time, and try to get through the weekend without losing control.
On a Friday morning DD has a family assembly at school, after which there is coffee and biscuits. I usually have a biscuit and today I really wanted one, but I told myself no because I'd had one yesterday, and it seemed to work. Right now I feel pretty strong, but come this evening I'm scared that switch is going to flick and when I start eating the indian food I won't be able to stop. So my goals for the weekend are:-

1. If friends bring wine tonight, have three glasses max then onto water, if not and they and DH are drinking beer then don't open a bottle just for myself, drink water. Put my portion of indian food on my plate and then eat it slowly and savour every mouthful. Do NOT go back for more. Don't eat anything else off plan today.
2. Go to Step class and eat totally on plan Saturday.
3. On Sunday go for the cantonese buffet, but again, fill my plate with small amounts of my choices for each course, eat slowly and savour every mouthful and do NOT go back for more. Offer to drive so that I will only have one glass of wine, if any. Don't eat anything else off plan on Sunday.

If I can get through the weekend without binging and follow through with these goals I will feel so much better because I'll have proved to myself after a few rocky weekends that I can still have my treats, but it doesn't have to turn into a binge.
I'm not going to think as far ahead as Tuesday just now, in fact really I'm just going to start from now and take it one hour at a time and try to get through the weekend, then I'll see how I've done. I know in view of the meals that it's unlikely I will be able to lose any weight this next week, but I'd really love to be able to maintain.
So my goals for the week are to be binge free, and to maintain my weight at 134.8lbs.

ETA: Friday night update. Friends have been and gone, no wine was brought so I stuck with water, and I followed the rules I'd set myself! I had a small portion of each dish and tried to remember to eat slowly. After I'd cleared my plate I was VERY tempted to go back for more and had to have an internal argument with myself, but I didn't let that switch flick over or the binge compulsion takeover, and pushed my plate away. I am now craving something sweet and it would be so easy to say, oh, just have something small, but I've got over the worst hurdle this evening so I'm NOT going to ruin it now. I'm so proud of myself, one huge test for the weekend down, a million more to go!

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