Saturday, 29 May 2010

Feeling Out Of Control

I've felt so anxious and panicky this last week or so, like I've lost control of everything and all the hard work of the last 10 months is blowing up in my face.
I read on another blog recently that usually when you start to feel out of control with healthy eating or exercising it's because other things in your life are out of control. For me right now that's so true. Lots of things are stressing me out and I don't have control over the outcomes for most of them, and I HATE that.
I've found it a real struggle to make myself go to the gym each day, although I've had a good workout when I've got there. The number on the scale is just frustrating me so much this week.
I know realistically that the 4lb loss last week was false as I'd given blood the day before weigh in. Then we went away for the weekend and I ate off plan for 2 full days, as well as missing the gym. But I've exercised everyday since, hard workouts, and I'm 2lb up... I had got used to daily weighing and was less obsessed by it, but this week it's driving me mad seeing the same numbers on the scale every morning, makes me want to scream! I've thought about trying to stay off it again til Friday but I don't know if I can handle that either.
The realisation the other day that I was bored with my workouts scared me as well. I'm terrified that I'm losing my motivation to exercise. I had a bit of a lightbulb moment when I thought about my running. I realised I really do prefer to exercise with other people, or at least where other people are who I can have a quick chat with, like in the gym or my step class. When I go for a run on my own outside although I feel great afterwards, I miss the company of others. When I completed the C25K programme in March I really thought there was no stopping me with my running, that I'd do the Race For Life this year, a 10k next, half marathon the year after and then a marathon when I'm 40. Now I'm thinking this isn't going to happen... I started running so I'd have a way to exercise still when we're away, but think I got carried away. Running is something I've never done, even at school I hated it, so when I found out I could do it and built up to being able to run 45mins on the treadmill non-stop I felt invincible, so strong and like I could do anything I put my mind to. Running still makes me feel like that, when I get an endorphin rush I feel like I'm flying and could run forever, but most of the time it's still SO hard.
Maybe I'm just impatient for progress like I am with everything else. I'm trying to run too fast and too far too soon... That makes sense lol
Today we were supposed to be going for a long walk, DH, DD and I, and I figured it would be a good way for some gentle exercise, but when we got up this morning it was pouring down so that plan went out the window. DH asked if I wanted to go to the gym instead and I really didn't.... What I wanted to do was go back to bed and have a good cry, you know, woe is me and all that. The scale isn't going down and I'm going to sulk and stamp my feet.....
Anyway, DD has been asking to go swimming and we haven't taken her for ages, so found a session at a pool nearby and off we went. I haven't been swimming for a few weeks because I swapped my Friday swim for a run outside to help my training for the RFL, and I'd forgotten how it makes me feel. I love feeling my body working in the water and like to think of it toning my body with each stroke. I really need to start going swimming again, even if it's only once a month...
DD and DH always go on the water slide but I've always avoided it like the plague. Today was different, one thing getting so much fitter and losing so much weight has done is make me want to push myself to try new things, even things that terrify me. Last week was giving blood for the first time, today I suddenly decided I was going on that slide. When I told DD she was so excited. I followed her up the steps and felt sick to my stomach. My legs were shaking and I didn't think I'd be able to go through with it. I haven't been on water slides since I was a teenager lol! But the new strong me said there was no way I was leaving today without going on that slide. I watched DD go down before me and then it was my turn. The first bit, I was so scared the water was going to go in my mouth and up my nose and I wouldn't be able to breathe, but once I got going I realised I was going to be okay and started to enjoy it! I ended up going on a second time and loved it then! So another NSV for me, going on a water slide! I think I really need to focus on NSV's at the moment until the scale stops playing games with my head.
Then on the way home we went to get a few bits from the shops and I saw a skirt in one of the charity shops that I liked. Size 16, tried it on and it fit perfect and was really flattering. Told DH I'd no idea when I'd wear it though, he asked how much it was, £3, and he said oh well, better put it back, it's far too expensive lol. Can you tell he loves to be sarcastic? Another thing I have done hardly for years is wear skirts, always hid my legs in trousers, and only wore skirts for special occasions lol. Well I bought that skirt and I'm going to wear it one day next week, just because I can. Another NSV...

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