Monday, 20 June 2011

Time To Face It, I'm In A Mess

I'm afraid this post could be very long and rambly, not sure, but I somehow need to get these thoughts out of my head and onto the screen.
The last few months, since hitting my weight loss goal really, I've not been happy. We've had lots of things go wrong at home which have put us under lots of stress, and caused us financial worries, and I've kept telling myself I've been feeling anxious, angry, irritable, upset and depressed because of that and that once these things got sorted I'd start to feel better. It hasn't happened....
Losing the weight now I look back seemed really easy, I exercised hard, ate healthily and if I wanted something off plan per say I just told myself no and it worked.
However since I hit goal I can't seem to find a balance at all. I needed to start eating more to stop me losing more weight, but that's where the problems started. I think my brain is a mess because whenever I eat something which would formerly be off plan it's as if a switch is flicked and this voice says oh well, you've been bad now, you might as well keep eating, all those things you wanted and didn't have much while losing, get them all and eat them quick because you need to go back on plan tomorrow. And so those small extras have been turning into huge binges. Up to 4 days in a row on one occasion... I then tried eating a little more during the week, a small extra snack on a night, in the hope that not feeling as deprived mid week would stop me ending up binging on a weekend, but that hasn't worked either, it's just meant I've eaten even more overall...
My lowest weight was 130.2lbs but I haven't seen that number in weeks now. The number on the scale shoots up over the weekend when I'm binging, then I work desparately hard during the week to get it back down again, but I'm still not able to get it back that low before the next binge hits. If I'm honest I'd say I'm averaging about 135lbs now so up about 5lbs. I know a lot would say that 5lbs is nothing to stress over, but I am stressed over it. I don't feel like I'm in control anymore, like I can't fight the binges long enough to make any headway in losing those extra pounds. I feel like I'll never see that low weight again and it's just a matter of time before all the 140+ pounds I lost will be back on...
I realised this morning that I feel like my slim body (albeit with lots of sagging skin which really upsets me and cannot be rectified without surgery, which we can't afford) is actually just a disguise and I'm putting on an act, and it's still the same me hiding inside, sad, depressed, lonely etc, and it's only a matter of time before the weight goes back on and everyone realises what a fraud I am... I made so many new friends while losing the weight, at the gym etc, and deep down I feel like if I gain the weight back they will no longer want be my friends, like the instructors who were so encouraging will be disgusted with me, like the people who have said I'm an inspiration will be disappointed in me, and those people who didn't think I'd do it will rub their hands together and laugh at me behind my back and say they knew I couldn't keep it off.
So I feel under such huge pressure to keep the weight off and so maintain this disguise. During the week I have to keep up the facade because I'm at the gym, seeing all these people each day, then on a weekend when it's usually just DH, DD and I, and the pressure is off I feel like I can't keep up the front anymore and the binge takes hold. I lost this weight for me and me alone, so why do I now feel such a huge responsibility to keep it off because I'm so terrified of what other people will think? Why can't I be proud and happy with what I achieved and enjoy where I am? Why can't I get the me inside to be at peace with the me outside?
This last week has been the worst week mood wise and I hit rock bottom last night while watching tv with DH when I suddenly had some very vivid suicidal thoughts. I haven't had suicidal thoughts in about 3 years, so this shocked me to the core. I made an excuse to go to bed and just broke down when I got upstairs. I haven't cried like that in as long as I can remember, and when DH came to bed even though I'd dried my face etc he knew something was very wrong and I ended up blurting everything out. He did listen and try to help, but he really doesn't understand my depression or my weight issues. I explained that I desparately don't want to go back on anti-depression medication as while they have worked short term in the past, in the end they've just made me numb to everything, and I've had one hell of a time getting off them afterwards. Cognitive behaviour therapy worked well for me for other issues so I agreed I would ring my old therapist today and see if I could arrange to go and see him again.
There is no answer on the number I have for him this morning and a search of the internet hasn't brought anything up either so I'm now assuming he is no longer there, although I am going to keep trying. I'm that desparate that I've rung my doctor and have made an appointment for next Monday to see him. I could see someone else sooner but I don't trust anyone else like I do him and he helped me so much in the past. I just don't know if I can actually get through the next week, and even then I can only see him giving me medication which I really don't want, so what's the alternative?
The only saving grace today is that DD is off school sick with a high temp, headache and iffy tummy, so I'm having to hold it together for her sake. Left to my own devices today I know there would be lots more tears and black thoughts....


  1. Hi Lisa - I am a totally new reader to your blog, came across while looking for inspiration re weight loss and your journey has certainly inspired me..

    However it sounds like you are having a really hard time at the moment, i appreciate that you would prefer to see your own gp as he knows you best but i would really urge you to reconsider either seeing another doctor at your surgery or attend your local A&E department in the meantime if you are really struggling - most A&E departments will have a liaison psych team who could help you go in the right direction.

    Here's to a better week..

  2. Just sending you some love and hugs Lisa. I'm glad you've taken the step to see your doctor as you can't do this on your own. I thought I could and look where it got me. Absolutely nowhere!

  3. Big hugs Lisa! I can understand the feeling of pressure to keep the weight off. Everyone says we're a success and inspiration meanwhile every little bit the scale goes up is like a stake through the heart! I have more extra lbs on than I care to have right now. They say 5lbs is the warning mark... but I'm beyond that and its not easy. Its not easy to say no, its not easy to stay motivated.

    I'm glad you're seeking help, especially since you mentioned having suicidal thoughts. Recognizing you need help is a huge step and I hope your Dr. refers you to the right person to get you level again!

  4. Hi Lisa, just found you via the 3FC website...I know it's been almost a year since you posted on your blog, but I was just wondering how things are going now. I hope you're feeling much better than you were when you posted this. I understand the binge struggle. I've never managed to lose my weight, do about half a stone then start to binge. You should be proud of the hard work you did to achieve your weight loss..even if you've regained it would be good to read an update from you.