After my last post I'm really happy to say that things have improved.
My weight loss pattern of the last three months came into play again and after being stuck for almost 3 weeks I lost 4lbs in a week, and am now averaging 142.5lbs which I'm really happy about. It's funny though, because when I saw the elusive 145lbs there wasn't the huge excitement that I thought there would be...
I've had time to give this a lot of thought recently and I know the reason is that 16 months ago when I started this journey 145lbs seemed impossible, but in my head that 145lbs also brought up a picture of a perfect body... No loose skin, flat stomach, toned limbs etc... Well, let me just say that that picture isn't what I ended up with. Although clothed I am ecstatic with the reflection in the mirror, naked is another thing. I have a LOT of loose skin after losing over 130lbs, especially on my stomach, but also my arms, thighs, knees etc... I am now working with a personal trainer once a week and am definitely seeing improvements from combining those sessions with my usual workouts and a programme he has made for me, but I know in reality that perfect body isn't going to happen, and that's left me thinking, what do I do now?
As 145lbs is the very top of the healthy BMI range for me and the weight is still coming off steadily each month, although it seems in spurts, I've decided to revise my goal to 135-137lbs and see where that takes me, then think again.
Although the number on the scale is still a high priority for me, through these PT sessions and talking with my trainer I'm learning that my body shape needs to become a higher priority now I've reached this point, so I'm trying to take the focus off the number a little, although not really sure how to do it yet.
I'm stuck in a vicious cycle with my weighing I know that. I used to weigh weekly on a Friday am, but then moved to daily weighing, but have to say I'm struggling with that. Earlier in this journey weekly weighing was great because I saw a loss almost every week, so little fluctuations weren't really a problem. But now I'm nearing where I think I want to be I know my weight can alter between half to two pounds each day, and seeing as I'm losing about 4lbs a month now in spurts it's likely that at least a couple of those weekly weigh ins I could likely see the same number or even see a gain. Weighing daily I can see the ups and downs and as long as the general trend is down over a week or two I'm happy. But weighing every day is also frustrating for me as well because I'd be lying if I said it didn't help set my mood for the day.
In an ideal world I'd go back to weighing weekly on a Friday, and just be happy that if I knew I was staying on my eating and exercise plan, I could trust that the weight would keep coming off and my body would keep improving. Any ideas on how I can make this transition?
Sunday, 28 November 2010
Thursday, 11 November 2010
I Will Not Give In
The scale is still showing 146.5lbs this morning. It's shown the same number for almost a week now which never happens for me...
I'm really scared that it's going to start going up again or that hubby was right the other day when he said that maybe this is the weight I'm meant to be.
I HAVE to get to 145lbs at the most, this journey is not over til I do, that was the impossible goal I set myself and I have to prove to myself now that it's not impossible.
So although I'm scared I'm determined to keep going with my plan as normal and I've promised myself that my usual weekly treat will not be happening until I see a new lower number on the scale.... But did I tell you I was scared? I don't want 146.5lbs to be the end... or the start or an upward trend.
I'm really scared that it's going to start going up again or that hubby was right the other day when he said that maybe this is the weight I'm meant to be.
I HAVE to get to 145lbs at the most, this journey is not over til I do, that was the impossible goal I set myself and I have to prove to myself now that it's not impossible.
So although I'm scared I'm determined to keep going with my plan as normal and I've promised myself that my usual weekly treat will not be happening until I see a new lower number on the scale.... But did I tell you I was scared? I don't want 146.5lbs to be the end... or the start or an upward trend.
Tuesday, 9 November 2010
I Want Off This Rollercoaster
Last Thur I saw a number on the scale which put me in shock, 10st 5.5lbs/145.5lbs, only 0.5lbs away from my original goal I set myself just over 15 months ago. I just couldn't believe I was so close, then Friday I was back up to 146.5lbs and that's where I've stayed everyday since...
Granted I didn't have a great weekend, socialising and no exercise because I was still sick from the cold, but still. Yesterday however I went back to my usual double class at the gym and ate totally on plan. I was really sure that this morning I'd see a lower number on the scale but nope, same again...
I looked back at my weigh in records from about a month ago and it's looking like I could be coming up to the time when the scale usually starts bouncing for a week or so, before dropping again and taking another pound or two with it, but I'm not sure. I know it's a pattern that I seem to have found and that as long as I keep to my plan it will all work out in the long run, but still, it's driving me mad!!!
This fight I'm having with my scale really needs to stop. I still want to go back to weekly weigh ins only but there never seems to be a good time to do it. Right now I probably should do it so that the bouncing doesn't push me over the edge, but then again I'm scared that if I don't keep an eye on it it might bounce up and up even though I've not changed anything. I know it doesn't make sense, but I have this irrational fear that if I don't keep an eye on those scales they're going to revolt on me and start showing me higher numbers each weigh in, until I'm right back at 274lbs....
This pattern feels like I'm getting on a rollercoaster each month. There's the slow climb on the scale for several days/a week, the peak at the very top where my heart is in my mouth and I'm scared to death of what's going to happen next, then there's the sudden steep descent at the other side where I'm clinging on for dear life. I know the adrenaline rush after the descent is amazing, but really I wish I didn't have to get on this same ride each month....
Granted I didn't have a great weekend, socialising and no exercise because I was still sick from the cold, but still. Yesterday however I went back to my usual double class at the gym and ate totally on plan. I was really sure that this morning I'd see a lower number on the scale but nope, same again...
I looked back at my weigh in records from about a month ago and it's looking like I could be coming up to the time when the scale usually starts bouncing for a week or so, before dropping again and taking another pound or two with it, but I'm not sure. I know it's a pattern that I seem to have found and that as long as I keep to my plan it will all work out in the long run, but still, it's driving me mad!!!
This fight I'm having with my scale really needs to stop. I still want to go back to weekly weigh ins only but there never seems to be a good time to do it. Right now I probably should do it so that the bouncing doesn't push me over the edge, but then again I'm scared that if I don't keep an eye on it it might bounce up and up even though I've not changed anything. I know it doesn't make sense, but I have this irrational fear that if I don't keep an eye on those scales they're going to revolt on me and start showing me higher numbers each weigh in, until I'm right back at 274lbs....
This pattern feels like I'm getting on a rollercoaster each month. There's the slow climb on the scale for several days/a week, the peak at the very top where my heart is in my mouth and I'm scared to death of what's going to happen next, then there's the sudden steep descent at the other side where I'm clinging on for dear life. I know the adrenaline rush after the descent is amazing, but really I wish I didn't have to get on this same ride each month....
Wednesday, 3 November 2010
Still Here
Was away from Mon-Fri last week and got sick when we came home so the last 10 days or so have been a blur.
While we were away I was actually pretty good with my planned treats, and had two great runs, but getting sick when we came home really threw and spanner in the works. Friday I felt dreadful and am ashamed to say that this lead to a weekend of serious comfort eating (binging). I've learnt over the last 15 months that comfort eating doesn't actually make me feel better and most of the time I have it under control, but this information seemed to conveniently disappear as soon as I got sick. All that was in my head was "I want a nice cup of coffee and some biscuits (cookies), they'll make me feel better", they didn't, so I tried something else. By Sunday night I'd tried most of the old favourites and although the tastes were just as good as I remembered, none of them actually made me feel better....
So on Monday I forced myself to get back on plan and went to the gym for my usual two classes. I really struggled through them both with my breathing etc but made it by doing them lower impact. Yesterday I went for a gym workout but gave up after struggling to just do an incline walk on the treadmill and came home.
Today I got on the scale for the first time in several days, hoping I might see a number just a bit above where I was when we went away, having had a couple of good days to repair some damage. Imagine my surprise when I saw it was between 0.5-1.0 lower still! So that really cheered me up. My breathing is also a little better today so I went to step at lunchtime and survived although it was still a struggle. Tomorrow is a gym workout and I should be having another PT session on Friday but when I saw my PT yesterday he said he thought it might be a good idea to cancel this week and rearrange when I'm 100% so as not to waste it, which I think is probably a good thing. I had hoped I'd have recovered enough for it by then, but I still only feel about 50% today and can't see me improving so much in another 48hrs.
The main thing I'm focusing on right now is getting back to feeling 100% so I can ramp up my workouts again, and the thought that I'm now only 2lbs from my original goal weight of 145lbs and a healthy BMI of 24.9 after over 15 years! I know now that this isn't going to be my final goal (I think 135-137 may be) but 15 months ago I couldn't even imagine being 245 let alone 145 or lower....
While we were away I was actually pretty good with my planned treats, and had two great runs, but getting sick when we came home really threw and spanner in the works. Friday I felt dreadful and am ashamed to say that this lead to a weekend of serious comfort eating (binging). I've learnt over the last 15 months that comfort eating doesn't actually make me feel better and most of the time I have it under control, but this information seemed to conveniently disappear as soon as I got sick. All that was in my head was "I want a nice cup of coffee and some biscuits (cookies), they'll make me feel better", they didn't, so I tried something else. By Sunday night I'd tried most of the old favourites and although the tastes were just as good as I remembered, none of them actually made me feel better....
So on Monday I forced myself to get back on plan and went to the gym for my usual two classes. I really struggled through them both with my breathing etc but made it by doing them lower impact. Yesterday I went for a gym workout but gave up after struggling to just do an incline walk on the treadmill and came home.
Today I got on the scale for the first time in several days, hoping I might see a number just a bit above where I was when we went away, having had a couple of good days to repair some damage. Imagine my surprise when I saw it was between 0.5-1.0 lower still! So that really cheered me up. My breathing is also a little better today so I went to step at lunchtime and survived although it was still a struggle. Tomorrow is a gym workout and I should be having another PT session on Friday but when I saw my PT yesterday he said he thought it might be a good idea to cancel this week and rearrange when I'm 100% so as not to waste it, which I think is probably a good thing. I had hoped I'd have recovered enough for it by then, but I still only feel about 50% today and can't see me improving so much in another 48hrs.
The main thing I'm focusing on right now is getting back to feeling 100% so I can ramp up my workouts again, and the thought that I'm now only 2lbs from my original goal weight of 145lbs and a healthy BMI of 24.9 after over 15 years! I know now that this isn't going to be my final goal (I think 135-137 may be) but 15 months ago I couldn't even imagine being 245 let alone 145 or lower....
Wednesday, 20 October 2010
Bouncing Again & A Possible Pattern
The number on the scale has been bouncing again for the last week, which is frustrating to say the least. TMI, but I think I'm starting to see a pattern. I had sort of come to the conclusion that I seem to lose weight at the end of one month and beginning of the next, then mid month I stall. This last two cycles though it seems that the number starts to rise mid cycle by about 1-3lbs, combined with me feeling completely irrational, upset and angry, which is what happened over the weekend lol. Then last month all of a sudden I started living in the bathroom for potty breaks day and night and being absolutely starving all the time, followed by the number on the scale dropping back to it's original number and then carrying on down for a small whoosh. Well the potty breaks and being ravenous started overnight and the scale was back to it's original number this morning. So I'm hoping that I'm going to see a new low in the next couple of days! If it does happen then I really think I might have hit upon a pattern, which might make the bounces more bearable, I say might lol. I'm still contemplating trying to go back to weekly weighing only, but it never seems like the right time to stop getting weighed the next morning. We are away from Mon-Fri next week and I won't be able to weigh then, so maybe I could use that as a starting point?
I'm happy to say that I ran 8k on the treadmill in 59.39 yesterday so my furthest yet in under an hour. It seemed harder than the first time I did it (7.95k in 60mins) but then again I had no-one to talk to the whole time. So this combined with the faster 5k's has me hoping that I really am making some progress. I'm taking my running kit with me next week and hoping to at least go for 1 run, hopefully more, so we'll see what effect all the training has had on my outside running. I still haven't got to the point where I can just run and enjoy it, each run still seems so hard and it's sheer stubborness that keeps me going, but the feeling afterwards is worth it, and I am holding out the hope that now I'm running further, 5k might start to feel more enjoyable soon.
I'm happy to say that I ran 8k on the treadmill in 59.39 yesterday so my furthest yet in under an hour. It seemed harder than the first time I did it (7.95k in 60mins) but then again I had no-one to talk to the whole time. So this combined with the faster 5k's has me hoping that I really am making some progress. I'm taking my running kit with me next week and hoping to at least go for 1 run, hopefully more, so we'll see what effect all the training has had on my outside running. I still haven't got to the point where I can just run and enjoy it, each run still seems so hard and it's sheer stubborness that keeps me going, but the feeling afterwards is worth it, and I am holding out the hope that now I'm running further, 5k might start to feel more enjoyable soon.
Tuesday, 12 October 2010
A Huge Grin
Today I went to the gym for my workout as usual. Tuesday is a gym cardio/strength day depending on my mood and how sore I am from two classes on a Monday. Today I felt a little sore and tired and wasn't sure what to do, a treadmill run or the new programme my PT designed for me which is cardio/strength intervals. I decided to make a start on my PT programme and just see how I felt.
Whilst in the main gym my PT came over and asked how I was doing and two other people who I talk to often commented that I looked like I'd lost more weight and was looking really good. One of them asked me about my PT sessions and on my recommendation has booked a course of them himself! I was also really happy that I managed to run at my fastest speed yet for one of the intervals on the treadmill, 11.5kph, and my rowing intervals were also faster than ever before, one being 129.
I then went into the small "mans" gym which is where most of the weights are, to do my upper body workout, and there were several men in there doing their own thing. I've often seen one of them but he's never even acknowledged me before, until today lol. It was only a smile and a nod but it was like I was suddenly visible to him lol.
Finally I went to the floor area to do my final ab exercises and then my stretches, and as I was stood on one leg stretching my quads I looked in the full length mirror in front of me and this girl was looking back. She looked slim, fit and toned, and her face just looked so healthy, energetic, glowing and happy and I suddenly realised that that girl looking back was me! My mouth immediately started to widen into a huge grin and although I felt a bit silly grinning at myself in the mirror I just couldn't stop. I looked back at myself and felt SO proud of myself for how far I've come and what I've achieved in fourteen and a half months. I still have some weight to lose, but I'm actually fitter now than I've ever been in my life, and it feels amazing!
Whilst in the main gym my PT came over and asked how I was doing and two other people who I talk to often commented that I looked like I'd lost more weight and was looking really good. One of them asked me about my PT sessions and on my recommendation has booked a course of them himself! I was also really happy that I managed to run at my fastest speed yet for one of the intervals on the treadmill, 11.5kph, and my rowing intervals were also faster than ever before, one being 129.
I then went into the small "mans" gym which is where most of the weights are, to do my upper body workout, and there were several men in there doing their own thing. I've often seen one of them but he's never even acknowledged me before, until today lol. It was only a smile and a nod but it was like I was suddenly visible to him lol.
Finally I went to the floor area to do my final ab exercises and then my stretches, and as I was stood on one leg stretching my quads I looked in the full length mirror in front of me and this girl was looking back. She looked slim, fit and toned, and her face just looked so healthy, energetic, glowing and happy and I suddenly realised that that girl looking back was me! My mouth immediately started to widen into a huge grin and although I felt a bit silly grinning at myself in the mirror I just couldn't stop. I looked back at myself and felt SO proud of myself for how far I've come and what I've achieved in fourteen and a half months. I still have some weight to lose, but I'm actually fitter now than I've ever been in my life, and it feels amazing!
Thursday, 7 October 2010
It Was Real
I'm happy to say that the scale numbers last week were real, and have been constant since then. I'm still 10st 12.5lbs/152.5lbs over a week later, so I think it's here to stay. I must admit to being a bit frustrated that it hasn't gone down any lower as it's official weigh in day again tomorrow, but then I keep telling myself that I was stuck before and then lost 4.5lbs in just a few days, and I've got to give my body chance to settle before it moves on. It appears that the constant steady losses I was having are over now and that my weight is staying pretty level with a whoosh down every now and again and I'm just going to have to live with it. I'm still holding out hope that I can reach my initial goal of 145lbs by Christmas, so we'll see.
So whilst I'm trying to get my head around the number on the scale or rather take my focus off it, I'm trying to concentrate instead on my exercise. I had to cancel my PT session last Friday as I was ill and didn't end up exercising at all for 3 days, but started back again on Monday and have been working hard all week so far. Had my rescheduled PT session on Tuesday which was HARD and I'm still sore from, did Step class yesterday and then today I've had a breakthrough! The furthest I've managed to run non-stop so far was 7k (actually think that included some walk breaks but can't remember) and I've been a bit frustrated that although the shorter distances I am slowly getting quicker at, I am still finding increasing the distance so hard. So today I was tired and decided after a 10min warm up on the cross trainer just to start running on the treadmill and if I felt like it to get off after 10mins and move onto something else. Well today I was enjoying my music and rather than counting songs which I usually do to gauge my time without actually watching it I just listened and when the next song came on I thought, ooh I like this one, I'll run to the end of this one. Then my friend came over after she'd finished her run (she is fast and runs 11.5k in an hour) to ask how I was getting on and I was telling her about struggling to run farther. She said that it's always easier to run alongside someone as talking distracts you, so in future if I want to to go on the treadmill next to her if she's on when I get there. She talked to me for about 10mins I think and then I put my music back on and carried on. When I started to feel really tired I decided to run to the end of the current song then see how I was doing on time. When I put the time back on the screen I'd run over 55mins!!! So that spurred me on to run the full 60mins and I finished up doing 7.95k in total, non-stop!!!! I was and still am elated that I managed to do it, run a whole hour without stopping and no walk breaks. It's been a goal of mine in the back of my head since I did my 5k race that my next challenge was to be able to run an hour non-stop, and I did it!!!
So even if the steady losses on the scales are gone, the steady progress in my fitness hasn't which I'm really happy about. I just have to have faith that if I keep doing what I've been doing, it will all work out in the end.
So whilst I'm trying to get my head around the number on the scale or rather take my focus off it, I'm trying to concentrate instead on my exercise. I had to cancel my PT session last Friday as I was ill and didn't end up exercising at all for 3 days, but started back again on Monday and have been working hard all week so far. Had my rescheduled PT session on Tuesday which was HARD and I'm still sore from, did Step class yesterday and then today I've had a breakthrough! The furthest I've managed to run non-stop so far was 7k (actually think that included some walk breaks but can't remember) and I've been a bit frustrated that although the shorter distances I am slowly getting quicker at, I am still finding increasing the distance so hard. So today I was tired and decided after a 10min warm up on the cross trainer just to start running on the treadmill and if I felt like it to get off after 10mins and move onto something else. Well today I was enjoying my music and rather than counting songs which I usually do to gauge my time without actually watching it I just listened and when the next song came on I thought, ooh I like this one, I'll run to the end of this one. Then my friend came over after she'd finished her run (she is fast and runs 11.5k in an hour) to ask how I was getting on and I was telling her about struggling to run farther. She said that it's always easier to run alongside someone as talking distracts you, so in future if I want to to go on the treadmill next to her if she's on when I get there. She talked to me for about 10mins I think and then I put my music back on and carried on. When I started to feel really tired I decided to run to the end of the current song then see how I was doing on time. When I put the time back on the screen I'd run over 55mins!!! So that spurred me on to run the full 60mins and I finished up doing 7.95k in total, non-stop!!!! I was and still am elated that I managed to do it, run a whole hour without stopping and no walk breaks. It's been a goal of mine in the back of my head since I did my 5k race that my next challenge was to be able to run an hour non-stop, and I did it!!!
So even if the steady losses on the scales are gone, the steady progress in my fitness hasn't which I'm really happy about. I just have to have faith that if I keep doing what I've been doing, it will all work out in the end.
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