This week has been hard. The first couple of days after my huge binge last Sunday were ok, Monday I really didn't want to eat I felt so sick and bloated, but come Wednesday the cravings were back. Thankfully I managed to just tell myself NO and kept going. The Binge Free Lent I've put myself on I think has actually helped me so far because I've just been concentrating on one day at a time and seeing that as a mini victory. I told myself on a weekend I can eat more and have some treats, but I CANNOT let it turn into a binge. Eating more than usual doesn't tip me over the edge emotionally, but binging does, and all the old hate and disgust comes flooding back, so I really really want to try to make binging a thing of the past again, like I did during my weight loss.
Friday DH brought home takeaway for dinner. It was planned and I did eat a fair bit, including dessert, but I made sure to enjoy it all, eat slowly, and once it was finished that was it, I stopped eating and didn't allow myself to think about eating anything else.
Yesterday was fairly easy during the day although I did have thoughts of binging, but I ignored them. Come last night though it got tough. DH made us a dessert after DD had gone to bed. It was quite an indulgent one but even as I ate it, it just wasn't giving me the hit I needed. I savoured each mouthful but it just didn't seem sweet, chocolatey, rich, cold, crunchy, smooth, you name it, ENOUGH.... I was already thinking of what I could eat next that would satisfy the craving. I was actually getting really anxious thinking about it, what would do it, which food would calm that anxiety? Then I suddenly thought, nothing is going to do it... If this dessert hadn't satisfied me, nothing would. It had had several different flavours, textures etc, if none of those had worked, no others were likely to. I could spend the rest of the night try to fill the void inside me with different things, hoping to find "the one", but I suddenly knew that it would be in vain. I just knew I wouldn't be able to fill that void and if I kept trying, I'd instead end up feeling sick, bloated and disgusted with myself like I did last weekend.... And so I stopped at that dessert, Day 4 of being binge free successful. If only I could realise this everytime I can feel the urge to binge coming on...
Sunday, 13 March 2011
Wednesday, 9 March 2011
Binge Free For Lent
I've been thinking the last few days since my horrendous binge of maybe trying to give up chocolate for Lent, in the hope that if I could go cold turkey with it the cravings would stop and so would the binges. But I quickly remembered that if I say to myself that I can't have a certain item of food at all that just makes me want it more, so ruled that idea out.
BUT, I just had an idea that maybe rather than cut a certain thing out, I could try to be binge free for Lent? 46 days without a binge? I've done much longer than that during my weight loss journey, so I know it's possible, and maybe it would give me the motivation I need to be able to stop this binging cycle that's got a hold of me again....
BUT, I just had an idea that maybe rather than cut a certain thing out, I could try to be binge free for Lent? 46 days without a binge? I've done much longer than that during my weight loss journey, so I know it's possible, and maybe it would give me the motivation I need to be able to stop this binging cycle that's got a hold of me again....
Sunday, 6 March 2011
Huge Binge Weekend
This weekend has been awful....
Thursday was DH's Birthday which started off the overeating. Friday wasn't too bad, just overate a little again, but come yesterday the huge binge began and it's now 9pm Sunday night and I've just hit the point where I know I can't eat anymore and it's finally over... At first I tried to talk myself out of it, but if I'm honest I really didn't want to, I just wanted to stuff my face constantly. I've avoided reading weight loss blogs all weekend because I didn't want to think about it, I just wanted to eat and forget...
I feel like my stomach is going to burst and sicker than I remember being in such a long time.
Why did I do this? I really don't know, was feeling so good before the weekend, weight had actually hit a new low, if only slightly, and I felt so strong. Had a fab day Thursday out shopping for new clothes, had my nails and eyebrows done, felt amazing, so what happened? I really have no idea... The only thing I can think is that I binged badly this time last month, so maybe it's got something to do with my cycle, maybe not.
I just know I've got to get back on plan straight away, deal with the withdrawal symptoms I know are going to make my life hell for the next few days, and try to figure out a way to stop this happening over and over again like it currently is.
Thursday was DH's Birthday which started off the overeating. Friday wasn't too bad, just overate a little again, but come yesterday the huge binge began and it's now 9pm Sunday night and I've just hit the point where I know I can't eat anymore and it's finally over... At first I tried to talk myself out of it, but if I'm honest I really didn't want to, I just wanted to stuff my face constantly. I've avoided reading weight loss blogs all weekend because I didn't want to think about it, I just wanted to eat and forget...
I feel like my stomach is going to burst and sicker than I remember being in such a long time.
Why did I do this? I really don't know, was feeling so good before the weekend, weight had actually hit a new low, if only slightly, and I felt so strong. Had a fab day Thursday out shopping for new clothes, had my nails and eyebrows done, felt amazing, so what happened? I really have no idea... The only thing I can think is that I binged badly this time last month, so maybe it's got something to do with my cycle, maybe not.
I just know I've got to get back on plan straight away, deal with the withdrawal symptoms I know are going to make my life hell for the next few days, and try to figure out a way to stop this happening over and over again like it currently is.
Tuesday, 22 February 2011
Another Successful Day!
Although the sweet cravings hit last night I managed not to cave in. The day had gone fairly well, although the class at the gym I went to was taken by a different instructor and I didn't break a sweat so felt like it had been a waste of time apart from toning. I would have been better making use of the time to do one of my exercise dvd's at home. But never mind, these things are sent to try us. Mid afternoon I was really hungry like I usually am, so I decided to try something new. I made myself a cup of herbal tea and had that and an apple, and it seemed to do the trick, so that I wasn't completely ravenous by dinnertime and last night. I have to admit to being a bit freaked because this little voice kept saying to me, ooh, you've eaten more than normal today, that's bad. But I'm really wanting to try to experiment to see if I can find ways to be less hungry mid morning and afternoon, and see if that helps with the cravings and binges on a weekend.
Today I'm not really sure what to expect. It's my mum's birthday and DD and I are going to spend the day with her and my step-dad, and she is going to colour my hair while we are there (my greys desparately need covering!). She has mentioned that we may go out for lunch, or she will make lunch there. The thing is, although she went on at me for years to lose the weight, now I have she doesn't seem too happy either... She does say I look nice and compliments me, but has said several times I've lost too much, and is always trying to get me to eat now when we are there, which causes me a lot of anxiety. And as it's her birthday I'm aware there could be cake lol. So I've had one of my healthiest breakfasts to get me off to a good start and have a very healthy dinner planned. During the day I'm going to have to play it by ear as I don't know what food I'm going to have to deal with, but I really want to try to stay as on plan as possible. Watch this space...
Today I'm not really sure what to expect. It's my mum's birthday and DD and I are going to spend the day with her and my step-dad, and she is going to colour my hair while we are there (my greys desparately need covering!). She has mentioned that we may go out for lunch, or she will make lunch there. The thing is, although she went on at me for years to lose the weight, now I have she doesn't seem too happy either... She does say I look nice and compliments me, but has said several times I've lost too much, and is always trying to get me to eat now when we are there, which causes me a lot of anxiety. And as it's her birthday I'm aware there could be cake lol. So I've had one of my healthiest breakfasts to get me off to a good start and have a very healthy dinner planned. During the day I'm going to have to play it by ear as I don't know what food I'm going to have to deal with, but I really want to try to stay as on plan as possible. Watch this space...
Sunday, 20 February 2011
I Made It Through The Weekend!!!
It's now 7.30pm on Sunday evening and we're back from my Mum's Birthday meal, and I made it through!!!
I offered to drive as I said I would, so only drank Diet Coke. The first little while we were there I felt so anxious, looking at the huge selection of food that was available on the buffet, I could feel myself getting really jittery and could see in my mind my finger ready to flick that switch to binge mode. But I took a deep breath and in my head told myself to relax and that I could get through it.
I checked out everything that was available, decided on the items I really wanted, the items I could live without, and those that didn't appeal at all, and then chose SMALL portions of only the items I really wanted. I made sure to try and eat slowly and enjoy each mouthful, and I even left some of my main course on my plate which is unknown for me, just because I challenged myself to do it! I felt no guilt for thoroughly enjoying my dessert because I had planned for it all week and not given into the sweet cravings other days because I knew I'd be able to satisfy them today.
Now I'm sat here, full but not stuffed, and certain that I won't be eating anything else tonight. If I was weighing daily the scale would more than likely be up tomorrow, but I had a thoroughly enjoyable meal and I am just so ecstatic to be able to say that I met all the challenges I set myself this weekend and most importantly I DIDN'T BINGE!!!
I'm wondering if this is the key to maintenance for me, at least in part, by making a plan and setting myself goals for dealing with each day. I know the binging runs a lot deeper, but I'm going to give it a try, taking it one day at a time for now. DD is on school half term holidays this next week so it's going to be challenging having her home all the time and my usual exercise routine being messed up, but I'm going to do the best that I can. So for Monday I'm challenging myself to stay totally on plan with no giving into any sweet cravings that may hit, and to make it to one out of two of my usual Monday classes at the gym whilst DD is attending playscheme for a couple of hours.
I offered to drive as I said I would, so only drank Diet Coke. The first little while we were there I felt so anxious, looking at the huge selection of food that was available on the buffet, I could feel myself getting really jittery and could see in my mind my finger ready to flick that switch to binge mode. But I took a deep breath and in my head told myself to relax and that I could get through it.
I checked out everything that was available, decided on the items I really wanted, the items I could live without, and those that didn't appeal at all, and then chose SMALL portions of only the items I really wanted. I made sure to try and eat slowly and enjoy each mouthful, and I even left some of my main course on my plate which is unknown for me, just because I challenged myself to do it! I felt no guilt for thoroughly enjoying my dessert because I had planned for it all week and not given into the sweet cravings other days because I knew I'd be able to satisfy them today.
Now I'm sat here, full but not stuffed, and certain that I won't be eating anything else tonight. If I was weighing daily the scale would more than likely be up tomorrow, but I had a thoroughly enjoyable meal and I am just so ecstatic to be able to say that I met all the challenges I set myself this weekend and most importantly I DIDN'T BINGE!!!
I'm wondering if this is the key to maintenance for me, at least in part, by making a plan and setting myself goals for dealing with each day. I know the binging runs a lot deeper, but I'm going to give it a try, taking it one day at a time for now. DD is on school half term holidays this next week so it's going to be challenging having her home all the time and my usual exercise routine being messed up, but I'm going to do the best that I can. So for Monday I'm challenging myself to stay totally on plan with no giving into any sweet cravings that may hit, and to make it to one out of two of my usual Monday classes at the gym whilst DD is attending playscheme for a couple of hours.
Saturday, 19 February 2011
Today Has Been HARD
I've struggled so much today to stay on plan, but I've almost made it.
This morning was easy, on plan breakfast then straight to the gym for Step class, home, then out again to collect DD from my mum's. We didn't get back til lunchtime so that was the morning taken care of. Had my on plan lunch and got to mid afternoon ok, but then the sweet cravings started setting in. I was so relieved when it got to dinnertime!
During this weight loss journey my taste in food has changed a lot, although I still have my sweet tooth and am sure I always will. Two things I've hated for years are celery and green pickle. DH loves them and always puts them in his salad. Today I decided to try a piece of each again to see if I still hated them as much. I am a convert to both, go figure! So at least that's two new salad veggies to help bulk out my salads in future.
This evening has been SO tough though, the cravings are just horrendous. I am due to get my period early next week, so maybe that is why it's so bad, but doesn't make it any easier to handle.
DH and DD had some chocolate earlier and offered me a piece, but I refused even though I desparately wanted to say yes. I then fought with myself for an hour over whether to have a low-cal chocolate drink or a WW Choc Mousse, but I kept remembering my post from yesterday and my challenge to myself. I even had one of the mousse out of the fridge and stared at it for a minute lol, but I put it back, and am now sat here chewing a piece of sugar free gum!
I know the drink or mousse would only have upped my calories by 40 or 60 respectively, but it's more the fact that they weren't planned for today and I needed to prove to myself that I could follow through with my plan.
So two days of huge challenges down, one to go. All I can say is I'm glad it's bedtime soon!
This morning was easy, on plan breakfast then straight to the gym for Step class, home, then out again to collect DD from my mum's. We didn't get back til lunchtime so that was the morning taken care of. Had my on plan lunch and got to mid afternoon ok, but then the sweet cravings started setting in. I was so relieved when it got to dinnertime!
During this weight loss journey my taste in food has changed a lot, although I still have my sweet tooth and am sure I always will. Two things I've hated for years are celery and green pickle. DH loves them and always puts them in his salad. Today I decided to try a piece of each again to see if I still hated them as much. I am a convert to both, go figure! So at least that's two new salad veggies to help bulk out my salads in future.
This evening has been SO tough though, the cravings are just horrendous. I am due to get my period early next week, so maybe that is why it's so bad, but doesn't make it any easier to handle.
DH and DD had some chocolate earlier and offered me a piece, but I refused even though I desparately wanted to say yes. I then fought with myself for an hour over whether to have a low-cal chocolate drink or a WW Choc Mousse, but I kept remembering my post from yesterday and my challenge to myself. I even had one of the mousse out of the fridge and stared at it for a minute lol, but I put it back, and am now sat here chewing a piece of sugar free gum!
I know the drink or mousse would only have upped my calories by 40 or 60 respectively, but it's more the fact that they weren't planned for today and I needed to prove to myself that I could follow through with my plan.
So two days of huge challenges down, one to go. All I can say is I'm glad it's bedtime soon!
Friday, 18 February 2011
Challenging Myself
Weigh in day for me today and I'm another 1lb up... I did expect it really, after the binging last weekend I've felt bloated all week so it wasn't a huge surprise, although I am disappointed.
I have now moved over to using my new scales permanently so my goal weight of 137lbs on my old scales is actually 136lbs on the new ones. I've been weighing on both scales for several weeks but it seems silly doing that now, so am just going to use the new ones and as long as I stay at 136lbs or lower I'll be happy. If I go over that then it's back into weight loss mode til it's down again. Last week I was 133.8 and today I'm 134.8 so still under goal which I'll take. Ideally I'd like to get to and stay around the 131lb mark, but first of all I have to get these binges under control.
Which leads me onto this coming weekend. I've managed to get mostly back on track this last few days and am feeling better for it, but in my head I've been dreading the weekend coming around again because I'm scared of what might happen. We have two meals with family and friends planned this weekend, a friend is coming round tonight and bringing an indian meal and on Sunday we're going out for a cantonese buffet to celebrate my mum's Birthday which is on Tuesday. There is also a possibility we'll be going out for lunch on my mum's birthday as well. Now this past few weekends I've taken the cue and let myself loose on a Friday evening and not stopped eating til Sunday night, and as a result I've felt so disgusted with myself. For my sanity I know that this weekend is going to be a huge challenge for me, but one I really need to face, I have to get through the weekend without a binge...
Yesterday I met my mum for coffee in town and she got a pack of two biscuits, one of which she offered me and I ate. At the time I REALLY wanted it, I'd been feeling a bit off all morning and it actually helped settle my stomach, but afterwards I was frustrated with myself because I hadn't planned it. For me the worst bit of binging is that I can feel so strong one second and can refuse anything, then it's like a switch flicks in my brain and I can't seem to physically stop myself from eating, it's like a compulsion. Eating that biscuit on the spur of the moment is how it goes, but on a weekend I can't then seem to stop. So I've really been thinking things through and decided that I'm going to take it one step at a time, it might even have to be one hour at a time, and try to get through the weekend without losing control.
On a Friday morning DD has a family assembly at school, after which there is coffee and biscuits. I usually have a biscuit and today I really wanted one, but I told myself no because I'd had one yesterday, and it seemed to work. Right now I feel pretty strong, but come this evening I'm scared that switch is going to flick and when I start eating the indian food I won't be able to stop. So my goals for the weekend are:-
1. If friends bring wine tonight, have three glasses max then onto water, if not and they and DH are drinking beer then don't open a bottle just for myself, drink water. Put my portion of indian food on my plate and then eat it slowly and savour every mouthful. Do NOT go back for more. Don't eat anything else off plan today.
2. Go to Step class and eat totally on plan Saturday.
3. On Sunday go for the cantonese buffet, but again, fill my plate with small amounts of my choices for each course, eat slowly and savour every mouthful and do NOT go back for more. Offer to drive so that I will only have one glass of wine, if any. Don't eat anything else off plan on Sunday.
If I can get through the weekend without binging and follow through with these goals I will feel so much better because I'll have proved to myself after a few rocky weekends that I can still have my treats, but it doesn't have to turn into a binge.
I'm not going to think as far ahead as Tuesday just now, in fact really I'm just going to start from now and take it one hour at a time and try to get through the weekend, then I'll see how I've done. I know in view of the meals that it's unlikely I will be able to lose any weight this next week, but I'd really love to be able to maintain.
So my goals for the week are to be binge free, and to maintain my weight at 134.8lbs.
ETA: Friday night update. Friends have been and gone, no wine was brought so I stuck with water, and I followed the rules I'd set myself! I had a small portion of each dish and tried to remember to eat slowly. After I'd cleared my plate I was VERY tempted to go back for more and had to have an internal argument with myself, but I didn't let that switch flick over or the binge compulsion takeover, and pushed my plate away. I am now craving something sweet and it would be so easy to say, oh, just have something small, but I've got over the worst hurdle this evening so I'm NOT going to ruin it now. I'm so proud of myself, one huge test for the weekend down, a million more to go!
I have now moved over to using my new scales permanently so my goal weight of 137lbs on my old scales is actually 136lbs on the new ones. I've been weighing on both scales for several weeks but it seems silly doing that now, so am just going to use the new ones and as long as I stay at 136lbs or lower I'll be happy. If I go over that then it's back into weight loss mode til it's down again. Last week I was 133.8 and today I'm 134.8 so still under goal which I'll take. Ideally I'd like to get to and stay around the 131lb mark, but first of all I have to get these binges under control.
Which leads me onto this coming weekend. I've managed to get mostly back on track this last few days and am feeling better for it, but in my head I've been dreading the weekend coming around again because I'm scared of what might happen. We have two meals with family and friends planned this weekend, a friend is coming round tonight and bringing an indian meal and on Sunday we're going out for a cantonese buffet to celebrate my mum's Birthday which is on Tuesday. There is also a possibility we'll be going out for lunch on my mum's birthday as well. Now this past few weekends I've taken the cue and let myself loose on a Friday evening and not stopped eating til Sunday night, and as a result I've felt so disgusted with myself. For my sanity I know that this weekend is going to be a huge challenge for me, but one I really need to face, I have to get through the weekend without a binge...
Yesterday I met my mum for coffee in town and she got a pack of two biscuits, one of which she offered me and I ate. At the time I REALLY wanted it, I'd been feeling a bit off all morning and it actually helped settle my stomach, but afterwards I was frustrated with myself because I hadn't planned it. For me the worst bit of binging is that I can feel so strong one second and can refuse anything, then it's like a switch flicks in my brain and I can't seem to physically stop myself from eating, it's like a compulsion. Eating that biscuit on the spur of the moment is how it goes, but on a weekend I can't then seem to stop. So I've really been thinking things through and decided that I'm going to take it one step at a time, it might even have to be one hour at a time, and try to get through the weekend without losing control.
On a Friday morning DD has a family assembly at school, after which there is coffee and biscuits. I usually have a biscuit and today I really wanted one, but I told myself no because I'd had one yesterday, and it seemed to work. Right now I feel pretty strong, but come this evening I'm scared that switch is going to flick and when I start eating the indian food I won't be able to stop. So my goals for the weekend are:-
1. If friends bring wine tonight, have three glasses max then onto water, if not and they and DH are drinking beer then don't open a bottle just for myself, drink water. Put my portion of indian food on my plate and then eat it slowly and savour every mouthful. Do NOT go back for more. Don't eat anything else off plan today.
2. Go to Step class and eat totally on plan Saturday.
3. On Sunday go for the cantonese buffet, but again, fill my plate with small amounts of my choices for each course, eat slowly and savour every mouthful and do NOT go back for more. Offer to drive so that I will only have one glass of wine, if any. Don't eat anything else off plan on Sunday.
If I can get through the weekend without binging and follow through with these goals I will feel so much better because I'll have proved to myself after a few rocky weekends that I can still have my treats, but it doesn't have to turn into a binge.
I'm not going to think as far ahead as Tuesday just now, in fact really I'm just going to start from now and take it one hour at a time and try to get through the weekend, then I'll see how I've done. I know in view of the meals that it's unlikely I will be able to lose any weight this next week, but I'd really love to be able to maintain.
So my goals for the week are to be binge free, and to maintain my weight at 134.8lbs.
ETA: Friday night update. Friends have been and gone, no wine was brought so I stuck with water, and I followed the rules I'd set myself! I had a small portion of each dish and tried to remember to eat slowly. After I'd cleared my plate I was VERY tempted to go back for more and had to have an internal argument with myself, but I didn't let that switch flick over or the binge compulsion takeover, and pushed my plate away. I am now craving something sweet and it would be so easy to say, oh, just have something small, but I've got over the worst hurdle this evening so I'm NOT going to ruin it now. I'm so proud of myself, one huge test for the weekend down, a million more to go!
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