Feel Like I'm Adrift In The Ocean

It's been a long while since my last post so it's going to be a LONG post I'm afraid. So much has been going on and I really just can't seem to get my head around any of it. I guess I should update with the main points of what has happened each week since, and take it from there:-

1. The week following my last post my head was in a really bad place. I knew I'd become totally obsessed with the number on the scale and it was affecting everything else. I felt so tired and just seemed to have no energy. On 14th Jan I went for my weekly PT session and I had nothing to give. My PT seemed to sense something was going on so we ended up talking through about half the session, with me confessing how I was feeling and him sort of counselling me lol. However I came out of the session with my head feeling a lot cleared and like a weight had been lifted off me (excuse the pun). During that session I decided that at 137lbs, which I had been that morning, and that number being the magic number I'd dreamed about throughout this journey, I was going to call it goal, and make 140lbs my red line. So on 14th Jan I guess I began maintenance.
2. That first weekend was actually my Birthday and I ended up doing a lot of celebrating, which whilst great fun, made me scared to step on the scales, but I got straight back on plan on the Monday and so it was actually the perfect opportunity to stop the daily weighing. I went a whole week without weighing and although it was hard, with each day it felt more doable. Come 21st Jan I had actually lost another lb taking me to 136lbs and it scared me to think I could eat as I had the previous weekend and still lose weight.
3. The following week I donated blood on the Thur and know from past experience that my weight for a few days afterwards is always falsely low, so when I weighed in at 134lbs on the 28th I didn't really take much notice.
4. The weekend of the 28th was my DD's Birthday and we had another weekend of celebrating, so come my 4th Feb weigh in, seeing 133lbs on the scale was a huge shock. I really couldn't believe that I was still losing weight when in all honesty I'd being having mini binges on a weekend since calling goal. I wasn't sure what to do, should I keep pushing my luck and see if the weight carried on down or I started gaining again, or try to get a grip on myself and the mini binges....
5. That weekend however brought a visit from MIL. Let's just say our relationship is strained at best, and although I try to stay calm and not let her get to me, her visits bring me lots of anxiety. She had been supposed to just come for one night which I was sure I could handle, but ended up informing us of her change of plans and coming a day early.... This sent me into a tailspin and I spent those two days having mini binges again. The worst thing I did was on the Sunday night, after my anxiety level reaching the roof, I told DH and MIL I was tired and was going to bed. I actually went and got two choc bars and some sweets and went to bed and read while stuffing down my anxiety with the food.... The quantity wasn't what broke me, it was the fact I'd deliberately hidden to binge in secret like I used to before I started this journey....
6. On the Monday however I again got straight back on plan. I did give myself a really hard time and told myself I had to be perfect all week to repair the damage, and the secret eating had to stop immediately. I spoke with one of the girls at the gym who told me what I'd done wasn't bad and she'd done it herself often, and lots of people do, but it still didn't make me feel any better. Last Friday when I got weighed I saw 134.5lbs, so up 1.5lbs from the week before, but still 2.5lbs under goal. In a way I was upset to see a gain, but the losses the previous two weeks had confused me, so I really didn't know if it was a gain from the eating the previous weekend, or if the earlier losses had been false. I just figured I needed to stay more on plan for the weekend, make sure the binges weren't allowed to return, and I'd see what happened.
7. Then came my worst weekend yet.... Friday night we were going out with friends to a yearly Beer Festival. I ate sensibly all day, and drank steadily all night, but when the nibbles came out I dived head first into them, and then DH and I even got a pizza on the way home and ate the whole thing between the two of us, which never usually happens. Saturday I was slightly hungover so ended up comfort eating to make myself feel better, however I told DH that Sunday I needed to get back on plan for sure. Sunday came and I ate my healthy breakfast and got to lunchtime, and I just couldn't do it. I sent DH out to get lunch for us, and then continued to eat non-stop for the rest of the day and night, and if I thought the secret eating of the previously Sunday was bad, this was HUGE. I found myself in the kitchen every little while or so sneaking biscuits and sweets while DH and DD were in the lounge, as well as eating all the same stuff that they were. At one point I ate a biscuit and realised straight after that I'd eaten it in three bites and hadn't even tasted it.... But it didn't stop me carrying on binging.... It was like a compulsion, as soon as I'd eaten one thing I had to find the next, I knew I had to get back on plan on the Monday without fail, and this voice inside me was saying "you need to eat all the things you won't be able to have for the next few days NOW, don't waste a minute, get eating". I went to bed in the end feeling huge, bloated, sick to my stomach, and very very angry and sad at what I'd allowed to happen.....

So come Monday morning this week, I was in a mess. Thankfully I was able to get myself back on plan again. I went to the gym and did my workout, talked again to my friend who said she'd eaten in secret herself the day before, but I didn't tell her the extent of what I'd eaten, I was too ashamed. It was like going cold turkey, I had a horrendous sugar withdrawal headache from about lunchtime, my stomach was still huge and bloated but I was starving, and I wanted to cry and scream all day because I was so angry with myself and so scared of what I'd let happen.
Yesterday morning I felt a bit better because I knew I'd got a day of healthy eating back under my belt, and the bloating wasn't quite as bad, but I decided to sit down and use some of the things I'd learnt when I did my Cognitive Behaviour Therapy to try to work out what was going on. I made several notes which I'm going to copy and paste below:-

a) As bad as I think the binges I've had are, I realised I've been eating things because they’re there and available, in the house, the aftermath of christmas chocs etc. Am I struggling with binges right now because of all the stuff in the house and unconsciously thinking if I eat them all quickly and they’re gone then the temptation to binge will be gone? I haven’t been planning binges and going to buy loads of food to eat them like I used to which I guess is a positive.

b) Emotionally rooted - If I’m feeling anxious, afraid, down, not good enough, I eat to block out those feelings because I don’t want to have to deal with them. Avoidance!? I look forward to the weekend, but when it arrives unless we have specific plans for things to do I tend to feel stressed, anxious or just plain bored, and I don't know how to change that. Am I scared that I can’t maintain this goal weight and so because I’m scared, ie emotional, I want to binge to stop myself feeling scared?

c) Maybe these binges are the result of restrictions I’m placing on myself ie exercising so hard all week and being so strictly on plan Mon-Thur - going overboard then on a weekend because I know I’ve got to get back to being PERFECT on Mon and want to stuff as much food down me before then as possible...
Or am I actually doing it because I think I can get away with it by being super strict during the week and so this way I can binge like I used to on some level and not gain all the weight back?

I know some people would maybe say that if I can maintain my weight by binging on a weekend then being super strict during the week then what's the problem, but I really can't do this anymore. I can't handle the feelings of disgust and guilt every Sunday night/Monday, so I have to find another way. So these thoughts then came into my head:-

a) Should I go to one DAY off a week instead or would that mean I’d just binge a whole lot more on that day?

b) Should I stop the weekend off thing and maybe just have a little more each day of the week, so say a couple chocs on a night, or coffee and a biscuit etc, so I’m spreading the food out throughout the week rather than it being a binge and leaving me feeling guilty and fat and bloated every Sunday night/Monday? Or would that make me feel like I’m losing my grip and not in control and guilty everyday for not being perfectly on plan or would I end up eating more over the full week than just the weekend? If I was a little easier on myself eating and exercise wise during the week, would I not feel such desparation to binge on a weekend to reward myself/get the release I need???

c) This one is really scaring me... Although the binges before I lost the weight meant I was in physical and mental pain and hated myself, I loved the binges themselves, all the lovely food, eating alone in front of the tv, going into my own little world, making myself numb. I miss that and although I love my new life and body when it comes down to it I'm still the same me and I still have lots of problems and issues, and I’m really sad that I will never be able to go back to eating the way I used to, so are the weekend binges my way of being able to go back, but stay where I am by the strictness during the week?

So you see why I feel adrift? I don't have any answers, all these thoughts and feelings are just rushing around in my head and I can't make any sense of them. I don't know what to do to make this better, I just know that I CAN'T gain this weight back and I have to stop the binges somehow.
This weekend is going to be another hard weekend. We have friends coming on Friday night and bringing an indian takeaway, Saturday SHOULD be ok, but then Sunday we are out for a meal to celebrate my mum's Birthday next week, and it's a cantonese all you can eat buffet. Need I say more? I really don't know what to do. I'm scared that the scale is going to be up again come Friday and I don't know how I'm going to handle it if it is. Will it send me into a tailspin and head first into the takeaway and binging all weekend? Can I just enjoy sensible portions of those two meals this weekend and say NO to anything else, prove to myself I can go a weekend without binging? Part of me keeps saying, this is life, this is what I've wanted for so long, a social life and the confidence to actually embrace it rather than refusing every invitation like I used to. But when it comes down to it, I've fought too hard to get this weight off and put the daily binges of old behind me, and I am NOT going back. I spent about 15 years gaining the weight, 18months losing it, and now I have to learn how to maintain it, WITHOUT binging. If only I could figure it out...

Time For An Attitude Adjustment

I've been struggling since before Christmas really. Daily weighing is no longer working for me now that I'm nearing goal. I just can't handle the daily fluctuations and my mood is up or down dependant on the number I see each morning. It's driving me mad and I really can't carry on like this.
Years ago when I considered myself slim I weighed in the 140-150 range, and when I started this journey I never imagined for a moment I could ever get to weigh less than that. When I first saw the 130's before Christmas something clicked and I've been desparate to get as far away from the number 140 as possible since then to give me room to maneouvre during maintenance, as I decided that 140 would be my red line. But realistically I know that losing another few lbs isn't going to make a big difference to my body shape or size, it's in my head where the problem is.
So I've decided that somehow I need to stop the daily weighing and go back to weekly, rather than desparately trying to find a pattern to my fluctuations to make them bearable. And instead I need to keep doing what I've been doing very successfully for the last 18 months (eating healthy 95% of the time and exercising hard 5/6 days a week for a minimum 45mins) and trust my body to decide where it wants to end up in the number stakes. Ideally I would love to get to 132lbs, but as long as I stay below 140lbs then I will be satisfied. I have to admit I'm really scared of going back to weekly weighing, facing the unknown for the other 6 days each week and worrying in case I'm gaining without knowing about it, but I know for my sanity I really have to.
I'm not sure how I'm going to stop the daily weighing, planned not to weigh this morning but couldn't, but I know it needs doing so watch this space....

Not Good Enough

I've been feeling anxious, upset, tearful and angry for a couple of weeks now and really couldn't work out what was wrong with me.
Earlier I finally broke down in tears and had to take myself away from DH and DD to go cry in the bathroom. Whilst in there I kept asking myself what was wrong, and you know what, the answer came back that I'm just not good enough. This whole weight thing right now is getting to me so much, I know I'm obsessed but I don't know how to stop it. I'm fine when the weight is coming off, but when it stops or I gain I totally freak out, and that affects every other aspect of my life. Because it's not going perfectly to plan, I feel out of control and, useless, a failure. I've known for a lot of years I'm a perfectionist, and although I've tried and tried to change that I can't. If I can't do something perfectly, I either don't do it at all, or I beat myself up over it the whole time.
My housekeeping is far from perfect so I'm a bad housewife and end up sitting in front of the pc when I should be doing stuff because, what's the point, it will never be perfect. DD brought some homework home today which was what finally tipped me over the edge. She's 7 years old and I really had no clue how to help her with it so I told her she'd have to ask her dad to help and then went and broke down. Admittedly he said it was totally unsuitable homework for her age and he struggled to help her as well although we are by no means unintelligent people, but in my head it just proves again that I'm a useless mum.
When the weight is coming off I'm fine, but when it's stuck, like now, I feel useless, like a failure, so why should I keep trying. This weight loss journey is the first really hard thing in my life I've stuck with for this long apart from my marriage and being a mum, and sometimes if I could run away from those as well I would.
I just feel that I'm not good enough and I don't know how to change that. How can I give myself a break and move forward instead of being paralysed whenever this perfectionism rears it's ugly head. Because that's how I feel, paralysed. I have so many emotions that seem to be trapped inside me lately and I don't know how to handle them. I used to bury them with food and now I can no longer do that I don't know what else to do...

What Am I Playing At?!

On Xmas Eve I was at my lowest weight of 137.5lbs. Over Xmas I was pretty good, but ended up on New Year's Eve at 138.5lbs. Then New Year's Eve all hell let loose....
I'd been saying no to so many things I wanted for the week previously and I'd just had enough. So that night (I was on plan all day) I ate all the things I wanted, and by midnight I felt thoroughly stuffed...
Come 1st Jan, I weighed 140lbs, but I was actually ok with that as I knew most would be water and the food from the day before and I was really ready to get back on plan for the New Year and break into new territory.
So why can't I do it? 2nd Jan saw me down to 139lbs but now I'm stuck. I've been really upset and angry that the scales aren't co-operating, but then I really thought about it and I'm not surprised. My usual exercise routine hasn't been happening because of the gym not being open usual hours and my usual classes being cancelled for the holiday, and then I thought about my lunches... DH has been home most of the holiday and we've had different lunches to normal, and then I realised, much higher calorie lunches to normal. I normally just have a sandwich for lunch, but we've had (hides head in shame) Burger King, rich soup with bread & spread, cheese on toast, you get the picture. So why am I blaming the stupid scale? Because it's easier than blaming myself... I've even been mad at DH for being home and "making" me eat these things!
So this morning I told him, no more, as of today I'm going back to my normal lunches, DH and DD can have what they want, but I can't carry on like this. I'm freaking out that the scale won't drop back down again to it's low, but how can I expect it to when I'm eating more calories than I was? I'm also going to the gym in an hour to try a new class Bodycombat. My personal trainer thinks I'll enjoy it as I like the boxing we do, and I used to love Tae Bo years ago, so I thought I'd give it a try. I need to get back to my usual routine as well as mixing things up a bit. I can't be frustrated at those scales for not showing a number I want if I don't do what I know I should do.
Let's hope this works...

I Think I'm Learning Maintenance!

Since my last post I'm feeling different. I guess because the scared feeling I had has gone. Although the pms is still there and the cravings have been bad for the last few days I've felt in total control of my food and exercise choices and it feels great.
My plan going into the christmas break was to enjoy the foods I knew I would be having, but to only have a small portion of each and to not go back for seconds. So far I've done that and even better, some of the things I had planned to have I didn't end up having at all, although I'll maybe have some of them at some point over the break.
I tried to remember to savour every bite although I did find that hard, but when I considered going back for more of something I just told myself no, and that one portion was enough, and it worked.
Another problem I usually have is that as soon as my routine changes I forget to drink my water. Silly I know, but go figure. So I vowed to try to keep the water intake up and so far I'm not doing too bad. Not as high as normal, but still loads better.
I was supposed to be going to the gym this morning, but hubby was on call til 8am this morning and ended up working 14hrs overnight, so didn't actually get to sleep til 8am. This morning I thought that that was my workout out the window, but when hubby got up at lunchtime he told me if I wanted to go to the gym to go and he'd just watch and film and cuddle on the sofa with Erin. As TOM is due anyday and I know that the first day I always really struggle with horrendous cramps and tiredness I decided that I would go today in case tomorrow is the day, and then I don't have to feel guilty if I really don't feel up to going. So off I took myself to the gym after lunch, did a 5-6min warm up, then ran for an hour on the treadmill at a steady pace, before doing some arm and ab exercises. And now I'm home and tidied and feel great, tired, but happy tired, and all is right with the world lol.
I was 1lb up on the scale this morning from Christmas Eve, but I'm actually fine with that. It could be food, it would be water, it could be TOM, but seriously, it could be a LOT worse, and has been in so many years past when I've just let myself loose on the food and dealt with the consequences in the New Year. Last year I did well, but this year it feels different. Although I still want to lose a few more pounds before I call it goal, this year it feels like I'm learning what maintenance is going to be like. Realising that I can never go back to the way I used to eat or the lack of exercise. But if I am just mindful of what and how much food I put in my mouth and what I do with my body then I can still have foods I like, AND keep the body I'm loving more with each day...

Scared

I should be ecstatic. In the last few days I've been seeing numbers on the scale that I NEVER thought I'd see. Under 140 numbers, 137.5 Monday and today in fact, truly amazing to me.
But I'm scared....
Because this last few days I've also not been eating great. At the weekend we had some pre-christmas family celebrations to attend. The meals were completely out of my control so I had decided beforehand to eat healthy the rest of each day and just have small portions at the meals. Saturday night I ate the main course but afterwards I just felt like I wasn't done, felt empty inside still. The dessert was a selection of dutch biscuits, just perfect for this girl's sweet tooth. I ended up having one of each... I tried to make a point to savour each bite, but thinking back I can't remember a lot of it. I also had a couple glasses of mulled wine.
Sunday morning came and I felt bad and was really tempted to say yes to the very unhealthy breakfast that was offered, but I asked for a healthy breakfast instead and went on my way. The Sunday meal came and again I just couldn't seem to get full. I did have lots of vegetables on my plate, but I know they will probably have been cooked with butter... Then even though I had promised myself after Saturday that I wouldn't have a dessert, I did... Now because I'd ended up eating so much at lunch I wasn't hungry so didn't end up eating anything else again Sunday.
Monday was back on plan, and I felt good. But yesterday I struggled again. DH and DD bought me an advent calendar with a choc behind each window. I've not been having one a day but rather have maybe had three or four on a weekend evening, and then let DH or DD have the others. But they've been piling up the last week or so and are right in my path when coming in or out of our lounge. Yesterday, just while preparing dinner, I think I ate maybe 5 of those chocs before I came to my senses and stopped...
Today WILL be totally on plan, I'm determined, and tomorrow, but come Xmas Eve things are going to get hard again. I have fully planned and prepared myself that I will be eating things over the next week or so that I haven't had in a long time, some through choice, some not, and I'm scared. Scared that I'm not going to be able to stick to the small portions of only the things I love and savour every bite. Scared that the one portion of each item I have planned is not going to be enough and that I'm going to still want the rest that is left in the house. Scared that seeing DH and DD eating those leftovers is going to make my inner child have a tantrum and say "it's not fair, I want some". Scared that I'm going to completely lose control and wake up on the 1st Jan with a huge weight gain...
I've fought so hard over the last 17 months to get where I am today. I don't remember ever being this weight my whole adult life, and I love the way I feel about myself now even though my body is not how I hoped it would end up. But I also know that those food cravings are still there just beneath the surface and always will be, and those binges that got me to 274lbs in the first place could start again just like the flicking of a switch. I know I will always have issues with food, always. I am a comfort eater and learnt to eat to block out any bad feelings I had, and I still want to do that on a regular basis, I just don't.
I'm scared that the fog is going to descend on Xmas Eve and I won't be able to fight back...

I HAVE To Stop Weighing Daily

I really have to stop weighing daily, it's driving me mad. I've weighed daily now for several months, and as long as it's stable or going down then I'm ok, stable days are stable days mood wise, going down days are happy days, but bouncing days are the pits, they immediately set my mood for the day and I can't handle it anymore.
I'm mid cycle at the moment which I think from the last two months is a pattern where I bounce up, to several days later drop back down and then lose a little more. But although I think there's a pattern, I'm still not handling it any better, and I'm freaking out which is NOT good. It's like every sensible brain cell leaves the building when this happens and I just can't believe that the weight is going to drop again. I'm certain that it's just going to keep going up and up til I'm back to my heaviest weight and I already feel in my body like I've gained like 20lbs when it's only 1 or 2. The pattern from the last two months has shown me dropping back down a little by now, but this month it doesn't seem to be happening yet so that's freaking me out even more. I KNOW this is not healthy for me or my head but I feel like I'm trapped in this.
I know that over Christmas the scale is bound to bounce because of family celebrations etc, but it doesn't make it any easier knowing. I'd got my lowest weight down to 140lbs and had set myself a new goal to be under 140lbs by Christmas Eve, a number I don't ever remember seeing as an adult. On Monday I was back up to 141.5lbs and now I'm 141.0lbs. I know this is stupid, I know no-one else will see the difference, but I feel it even if it's only in my head.
I really don't know what to do, now the bounce is in place I have to keep weighing daily for now to make sure it goes again, but I know that it's not a healthy place for me to be going in my head. I got on the scales this morning and seriously was so close to tears, as I am now as I write this, and that's not on. I had planned to move back to weekly weighing, on a Friday, like I did the first part of my weight loss journey, once I hit goal, but still not sure exactly where goal is going to be. Right now I'm thinking 135-137lbs maybe, but the thought of going through these head games everyday til I hit those numbers just makes me want to curl up in a ball and cry. I don't want to spend the entire Christmas season feeling depressed because the number isn't exactly what my head says it should be...
I've even considered not going to the gym this morning and just sitting sulking at home, but I know that's not going to help, so I'll force myself and hope a workout at least gets rid of some of the negative emotions that are flying around my head today.