Time To Face It, I'm In A Mess

I'm afraid this post could be very long and rambly, not sure, but I somehow need to get these thoughts out of my head and onto the screen.
The last few months, since hitting my weight loss goal really, I've not been happy. We've had lots of things go wrong at home which have put us under lots of stress, and caused us financial worries, and I've kept telling myself I've been feeling anxious, angry, irritable, upset and depressed because of that and that once these things got sorted I'd start to feel better. It hasn't happened....
Losing the weight now I look back seemed really easy, I exercised hard, ate healthily and if I wanted something off plan per say I just told myself no and it worked.
However since I hit goal I can't seem to find a balance at all. I needed to start eating more to stop me losing more weight, but that's where the problems started. I think my brain is a mess because whenever I eat something which would formerly be off plan it's as if a switch is flicked and this voice says oh well, you've been bad now, you might as well keep eating, all those things you wanted and didn't have much while losing, get them all and eat them quick because you need to go back on plan tomorrow. And so those small extras have been turning into huge binges. Up to 4 days in a row on one occasion... I then tried eating a little more during the week, a small extra snack on a night, in the hope that not feeling as deprived mid week would stop me ending up binging on a weekend, but that hasn't worked either, it's just meant I've eaten even more overall...
My lowest weight was 130.2lbs but I haven't seen that number in weeks now. The number on the scale shoots up over the weekend when I'm binging, then I work desparately hard during the week to get it back down again, but I'm still not able to get it back that low before the next binge hits. If I'm honest I'd say I'm averaging about 135lbs now so up about 5lbs. I know a lot would say that 5lbs is nothing to stress over, but I am stressed over it. I don't feel like I'm in control anymore, like I can't fight the binges long enough to make any headway in losing those extra pounds. I feel like I'll never see that low weight again and it's just a matter of time before all the 140+ pounds I lost will be back on...
I realised this morning that I feel like my slim body (albeit with lots of sagging skin which really upsets me and cannot be rectified without surgery, which we can't afford) is actually just a disguise and I'm putting on an act, and it's still the same me hiding inside, sad, depressed, lonely etc, and it's only a matter of time before the weight goes back on and everyone realises what a fraud I am... I made so many new friends while losing the weight, at the gym etc, and deep down I feel like if I gain the weight back they will no longer want be my friends, like the instructors who were so encouraging will be disgusted with me, like the people who have said I'm an inspiration will be disappointed in me, and those people who didn't think I'd do it will rub their hands together and laugh at me behind my back and say they knew I couldn't keep it off.
So I feel under such huge pressure to keep the weight off and so maintain this disguise. During the week I have to keep up the facade because I'm at the gym, seeing all these people each day, then on a weekend when it's usually just DH, DD and I, and the pressure is off I feel like I can't keep up the front anymore and the binge takes hold. I lost this weight for me and me alone, so why do I now feel such a huge responsibility to keep it off because I'm so terrified of what other people will think? Why can't I be proud and happy with what I achieved and enjoy where I am? Why can't I get the me inside to be at peace with the me outside?
This last week has been the worst week mood wise and I hit rock bottom last night while watching tv with DH when I suddenly had some very vivid suicidal thoughts. I haven't had suicidal thoughts in about 3 years, so this shocked me to the core. I made an excuse to go to bed and just broke down when I got upstairs. I haven't cried like that in as long as I can remember, and when DH came to bed even though I'd dried my face etc he knew something was very wrong and I ended up blurting everything out. He did listen and try to help, but he really doesn't understand my depression or my weight issues. I explained that I desparately don't want to go back on anti-depression medication as while they have worked short term in the past, in the end they've just made me numb to everything, and I've had one hell of a time getting off them afterwards. Cognitive behaviour therapy worked well for me for other issues so I agreed I would ring my old therapist today and see if I could arrange to go and see him again.
There is no answer on the number I have for him this morning and a search of the internet hasn't brought anything up either so I'm now assuming he is no longer there, although I am going to keep trying. I'm that desparate that I've rung my doctor and have made an appointment for next Monday to see him. I could see someone else sooner but I don't trust anyone else like I do him and he helped me so much in the past. I just don't know if I can actually get through the next week, and even then I can only see him giving me medication which I really don't want, so what's the alternative?
The only saving grace today is that DD is off school sick with a high temp, headache and iffy tummy, so I'm having to hold it together for her sake. Left to my own devices today I know there would be lots more tears and black thoughts....

Before & After Pics

I've been feeling so down this last month or so, I'm really struggling to just get through the day and I know I'm in the grip of depression again because I don't want to do any of the things I usually love doing, like going to the gym, socialising and stitching etc.
I'm now on Day 18 of no binging but it's not getting any easier and to be honest the last couple of days have been harder than ever. I've forced myself to go to the gym each day this week and worked out hard because I know it makes me feel better to release some of the stress, but it seems as soon as I come home and back to reality I sink straight back down to rock bottom. The nights are the worse for the binge urges, and weekends when DH and DD are both home, but right now I'm just trying to take it hour by hour as I can't even think of managing a full day.
I feel very sorry for my DH and DD as they are having to deal with me being so down and not interested in anything, plus I'm very irritable and tearful and they're getting the brunt of it. I do have the odd spell each day when I feel a bit brighter just for a few minutes, and I'm working on trying to extend those spells somehow. I've also been making myself sit down and do my cross stitch on a night, even if only for half an hour, as it helps me relax and takes my mind off things a bit.
I know that the events over the last 4/6 weeks have contributed massively to how I'm feeling, and so I keep putting off going to the doctors because I really don't want medication. I'm not saying I'm against it, I've been treated for depression several times since my teens following events in my childhood which will stick with me for the rest of my life, and when I've had medication it has helped for a while, but I always seem to end up with different problems than what I started with, which isn't really my aim. The counselling I had a couple of years ago was the most helpful, but I'd have to go on a waiting list again I think. Anyway, for now I'm working on the assumption that if I can get through the next couple of weeks and get things turned around at home with all the problems we're having then hopefully my mood might start to improve and the need for a visit to the doctor might lessen.
SO, as a way of trying to reiterate to myself how far I've come in the last almost 2 years and how much better off I am really even with my current problems, I went looking for before and after photos!
The before photos are all from around 2/3 years ago when I was at my heaviest.


And here are some after photos from the last few months! The first is me inside one leg of the jogging pants that I used to live in and were tight back then. That is the only outfit I have kept from my heaviest, it took me a long time to part with my big clothes but I knew it needed to be done. This one outfit though is to always remind me of where I came from...

I'm also desparately in need of a haircut, I always HATED going to the hairdressers because I hated having to look at myself in the mirror the whole time and couldn't stop focusing on my double chins. Even now I'm still nervous of going, but I've been thinking more and more lately about having a complete restyle in the hope that that will help give me a boost. So DD and I are booked in with my hairdresser next Wednesday and I'm going to speak to him then and see what he thinks might work. So watch this space!

I'm Back

Well, I didn't really go anywhere, just not posted for ages.
I sort of felt like I've been talking to myself mostly the whole time I've had this blog, and kept thinking why am I posting if no-one is interested. Then when I got to goal I sort of felt like I didn't have anything to write about in maintenance.
BUT, I've learnt since hitting goal in January that maintenance is just another part of the journey, and if I'm going to be successful at keeping the weight off long term I still have a LOT of work to do and demons to deal with.
So I'm back and even though some posts may be very short, some long, the plan is to start posting regularly about how I'm dealing with maintenance and overcoming my binge eating disorder... There, I said it, I have binge eating disorder.... I've had it since some traumatic events in my teens and since then have dealt with my depression and anxiety by binge eating to numb the pain. While losing over 140lbs I thought I'd got it completely under control, like I was cured and would never binge again. But this last few months the binge monster is back with a vengeance. I'm managing to maintain my weight because the binges are counteracted by eating healthy and exercising a lot at other times, but I know I can't go on like this because they leave me so sad and disgusted with myself afterwards.
So a week last Monday I began with Day 1 of no binging and so far we're good to go. Onto Day 9 today and although the events of the last few weeks could quite easily have sent me into a complete tailspin (we've had lots of unexpected expenses, money we don't have, we had to put our cat to sleep last Wed and DD and I are grieving terribly, and then we were in a car accident on Saturday which although not our fault is causing lots of stress arranging hire cars and repairs etc), I've used them as a way to challenge myself and prove to myself I can deal with high stress and anxiety without binging, I CAN get through it.

If Only I Could Realise That Everytime

This week has been hard. The first couple of days after my huge binge last Sunday were ok, Monday I really didn't want to eat I felt so sick and bloated, but come Wednesday the cravings were back. Thankfully I managed to just tell myself NO and kept going. The Binge Free Lent I've put myself on I think has actually helped me so far because I've just been concentrating on one day at a time and seeing that as a mini victory. I told myself on a weekend I can eat more and have some treats, but I CANNOT let it turn into a binge. Eating more than usual doesn't tip me over the edge emotionally, but binging does, and all the old hate and disgust comes flooding back, so I really really want to try to make binging a thing of the past again, like I did during my weight loss.
Friday DH brought home takeaway for dinner. It was planned and I did eat a fair bit, including dessert, but I made sure to enjoy it all, eat slowly, and once it was finished that was it, I stopped eating and didn't allow myself to think about eating anything else.
Yesterday was fairly easy during the day although I did have thoughts of binging, but I ignored them. Come last night though it got tough. DH made us a dessert after DD had gone to bed. It was quite an indulgent one but even as I ate it, it just wasn't giving me the hit I needed. I savoured each mouthful but it just didn't seem sweet, chocolatey, rich, cold, crunchy, smooth, you name it, ENOUGH.... I was already thinking of what I could eat next that would satisfy the craving. I was actually getting really anxious thinking about it, what would do it, which food would calm that anxiety? Then I suddenly thought, nothing is going to do it... If this dessert hadn't satisfied me, nothing would. It had had several different flavours, textures etc, if none of those had worked, no others were likely to. I could spend the rest of the night try to fill the void inside me with different things, hoping to find "the one", but I suddenly knew that it would be in vain. I just knew I wouldn't be able to fill that void and if I kept trying, I'd instead end up feeling sick, bloated and disgusted with myself like I did last weekend.... And so I stopped at that dessert, Day 4 of being binge free successful. If only I could realise this everytime I can feel the urge to binge coming on...

Binge Free For Lent

I've been thinking the last few days since my horrendous binge of maybe trying to give up chocolate for Lent, in the hope that if I could go cold turkey with it the cravings would stop and so would the binges. But I quickly remembered that if I say to myself that I can't have a certain item of food at all that just makes me want it more, so ruled that idea out.
BUT, I just had an idea that maybe rather than cut a certain thing out, I could try to be binge free for Lent? 46 days without a binge? I've done much longer than that during my weight loss journey, so I know it's possible, and maybe it would give me the motivation I need to be able to stop this binging cycle that's got a hold of me again....

Huge Binge Weekend

This weekend has been awful....
Thursday was DH's Birthday which started off the overeating. Friday wasn't too bad, just overate a little again, but come yesterday the huge binge began and it's now 9pm Sunday night and I've just hit the point where I know I can't eat anymore and it's finally over... At first I tried to talk myself out of it, but if I'm honest I really didn't want to, I just wanted to stuff my face constantly. I've avoided reading weight loss blogs all weekend because I didn't want to think about it, I just wanted to eat and forget...
I feel like my stomach is going to burst and sicker than I remember being in such a long time.
Why did I do this? I really don't know, was feeling so good before the weekend, weight had actually hit a new low, if only slightly, and I felt so strong. Had a fab day Thursday out shopping for new clothes, had my nails and eyebrows done, felt amazing, so what happened? I really have no idea... The only thing I can think is that I binged badly this time last month, so maybe it's got something to do with my cycle, maybe not.
I just know I've got to get back on plan straight away, deal with the withdrawal symptoms I know are going to make my life hell for the next few days, and try to figure out a way to stop this happening over and over again like it currently is.

Another Successful Day!

Although the sweet cravings hit last night I managed not to cave in. The day had gone fairly well, although the class at the gym I went to was taken by a different instructor and I didn't break a sweat so felt like it had been a waste of time apart from toning. I would have been better making use of the time to do one of my exercise dvd's at home. But never mind, these things are sent to try us. Mid afternoon I was really hungry like I usually am, so I decided to try something new. I made myself a cup of herbal tea and had that and an apple, and it seemed to do the trick, so that I wasn't completely ravenous by dinnertime and last night. I have to admit to being a bit freaked because this little voice kept saying to me, ooh, you've eaten more than normal today, that's bad. But I'm really wanting to try to experiment to see if I can find ways to be less hungry mid morning and afternoon, and see if that helps with the cravings and binges on a weekend.
Today I'm not really sure what to expect. It's my mum's birthday and DD and I are going to spend the day with her and my step-dad, and she is going to colour my hair while we are there (my greys desparately need covering!). She has mentioned that we may go out for lunch, or she will make lunch there. The thing is, although she went on at me for years to lose the weight, now I have she doesn't seem too happy either... She does say I look nice and compliments me, but has said several times I've lost too much, and is always trying to get me to eat now when we are there, which causes me a lot of anxiety. And as it's her birthday I'm aware there could be cake lol. So I've had one of my healthiest breakfasts to get me off to a good start and have a very healthy dinner planned. During the day I'm going to have to play it by ear as I don't know what food I'm going to have to deal with, but I really want to try to stay as on plan as possible. Watch this space...